Violated by MIL

[Workaholic99]

My MIL kissed the back of my neck.

Today i was hosting a birthday party for DD2 and had invited MIL because it's the right thing to do (not because I wanted her there).

When MIL arrived she completely ignored me - for the whole party barely more the 5 words were exchanged between us! (great, no complaints from me) however, as she was leaving I had my DD on my lap and so couldn't easily get up to say good bye, so she comes from my behind and plants a slobbery kiss on the back of my neck. There was nothing to stop her coming around to my front to say bye.

I was never felt more cringed or violated in my life. It doesn't help that I really detest the woman. My DH said he saw the whole exchange and thought it was very weird.

How should I handle that in future? I never want to be in that situation again

What would have happened if you had stood up?

A hug?
Kiss on the cheek?

Is a kiss normal as a good bye?

I don't think I would raise it after the event but if it happens again I would address it in the moment

Was she drunk?

I agree with the poster saying it was probably a clumsy goodbye. You clearly don’t like her so I don’t think you’d have been happy with any interaction. She’s probably mortified (if it was an accident)

as for the “violated” debate. Violating someone can be done many ways - not just SAs. Violating is a disrespectful act or crossing someone’s boundaries - surely what Mil done (if on purpose) is just that?

You don't like her, anything she does will be wrong!

For those saying I'm not very nice myself, I understand why it may look like that. But for context she made my cry whilst 9 months pregnant because she started spreading malicious lies about me at a wedding after I said she couldn't watch me give birth. Since then i have done everything possible to avoid her. x

If someone I liked randomly sloppy kissed me from
behind on the back of my neck I’d be grossed out …

No she wasn't drunk. In fact she had refused all food and drink apart from cake and had sat in the corner the entire time

I doubt your mother-in-law thought it out and she was rather clumsy with her 'goodbye' kiss, however I'm sure she meant not harm and 'violated' is a ridiculously strong word. You obviously don't like her and probably convey that to her, which would make her quiet and nervous around you.

Try to put it behind you, you haven't been abused.

It was a weird power play.

It was actually a gift. Now you don’t have to have her in your house ever again.

Thank you for all for comments. You've given me a lot to reflect on.

OP you made perfectly clear from the start that you don’t like your MIL. You seem very hostile towards her and l think there’s a backstory that’s colouring your judgement. You haven’t been violated by her, she just did something unexpected and which you didn’t like. You even explained to a certain extent why she did it - you had DD on your lap and couldn’t easily get up. She probably did the easiest thing to enable her to leave quickly and didn’t give it a second thought. Neither should you.

Well it's a bit repulsive, but I really doubt it will happen again. She was saying goodbye, you were in an awkward position so she just clumsily planted a kiss on the bit of you that was available.

I don't think there is any need for confrontation etc. In the unlikely event it ever does happen again, ask her not to do it.

I get the impression that confrontation is exactly what OP is looking for. There’s a backstory here because it’s clear OP doesn’t like her MIL. If OP shows her the same open hostility on display here it’s no wonder MIL is awkward around her and doesn’t make conversation.

Your comment made me smile. 😂

OP has said that her MIL had made her cry whilst she was 9 months pregnant, and spread rumours because she wasn’t allowed to watch her give birth.

I’d be hostile to a nut job like that.

She sounds absolutely deranged. I thought at first it was maybe clumsy goodby too, but she clearly has no sense of boundaries and a weird sense of ownership and entitlement towards you.

I’d try to keep away from her too OP. In fact, I just would keep away from her.

There is indeed a backstory, I possibly should have given more context before writing the post. At the risk of making myself look worse, yes I don't like the woman and she doesnt appear to like me (and that's fine), all this grief started when I was pregnant and she wanted to be in the birthing suite. I'd said no and since then I've have received so much vitriol from her including on my DD birthday last year when she sent my DD1 a pack of skewers for her birthday.

How do you know she was spreading lies - was the source of the information reliable ? Late pregnancy would have been an awkward time for these issues to arise but surely you’ve had time to reflect, and without the raging hormones you may now be able to see things more objectively. The mature thing to do would be to bring it up with her, hear her side of things, and try to sort it out. The alternative will be a lifetime of avoidance and hostility which will affect your DH and your childrens’ relationships with her.

Because it came to a head in a screaming match between my DH and his Sister that MIL was also crying because she wasn't getting her own way.

Wooooow this thread 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

OP told she is OTT for feeling violated by an unsolicited kiss on her neck from a woman she doesn’t like.

OP told she can’t possibly dislike said woman who was malicious to her as she probably had raging hormones and couldn’t think clearly.

WHAT THE FUCK.

How old is she OP ? Are there any other odd, or out of character behaviours ? What was your relationship like before things took this turn ? Because if my MIL sent my DD a packet of skewers for her birthday, l wouldn’t be thinking strange, l’d be thinking the onset of dementia.

MIL is in her 50s and no other events to suggest she's losing her marbles prior or since then.

What ? I’m not saying she can’t dislike her if there’s reason to. I was simply wondering whether, without the raging hormones, things may look different and that talking it out and sorting it may be preferable to the alternative. Clearly, from OP’s recent replies that’s not possible. Sorry, l forgot, this is MN. MILs are always wrong and open hostility is always preferable to mature discussion and resolution.

This thread is batshit. Do some of you get paid to gatekeep, or is it a passion protect you commit to on a voluntary basis?

OP, YANBU. What she did was fucking weird, and it’s not at all surprising that you’ve taken issue with it.

No, this thread is yet another MN example of the intolerance of those who have a different viewpoint from ourselves. As you’ve just clearly demonstrated.