Violated by MIL

[Workaholic99]

My MIL kissed the back of my neck.

Today i was hosting a birthday party for DD2 and had invited MIL because it's the right thing to do (not because I wanted her there).

When MIL arrived she completely ignored me - for the whole party barely more the 5 words were exchanged between us! (great, no complaints from me) however, as she was leaving I had my DD on my lap and so couldn't easily get up to say good bye, so she comes from my behind and plants a slobbery kiss on the back of my neck. There was nothing to stop her coming around to my front to say bye.

I was never felt more cringed or violated in my life. It doesn't help that I really detest the woman. My DH said he saw the whole exchange and thought it was very weird.

How should I handle that in future? I never want to be in that situation again

Ugh yourself. I've been violated and this is not it!

This, 100%

I'm sorry that you have been violated. Many women on here will identify with that - myself included.

I will ALWAYS listen to other women. I will NEVER minimize their experience or feelings of violation.

The comments on this thread are horrible.

Well , you should have got up and said goodbye to her . But as you detest her , you couldn’t be bothered.

I completely understand, OP. It’s icky.

I’d feel the same if anyone but my husband kissed me on the neck in an ambush.

It's definitely ick. I'd have hated that too.

Not sure she meant to "violate" you though. Seems an extreme description of something that she may have meant well.

If she ever does it or anything similar again tell her clearly you don't like it.

And you are so incredibly fortunate to have never felt more violated in your life. I hope you never find out what being violated really feels like - and that's not sarcasm.

Dial the hyperbole down if telling other people about it, that's why you are getting pushback here.

And you are so incredibly fortunate to have never felt more violated in your life. I hope you never find out what being violated really feels like - and that's not sarcasm

How do you know a damn thing about what the OP has experienced?

Many women who have experienced a 'more serious' (according to this thread) violation might react more profoundly to a perceived 'minor' transgression of their boundaries.

Can we please stop making assumptions?

I actually couldn’t be in the same room as her again. There’s something quite wrong with her.

I'm sorry that you have been violated. Many women on here will identify with that - myself included.

I will ALWAYS listen to other women. I will NEVER minimize their experience or feelings of violation.

The comments on this thread are horrible.

Well said. Some of the comments in this thread are disgusting.

Trigger Warning!!!

Yes. Myself. I was r*ped when I was at university.

If the OP feels violated by a kiss on the neck then she has every right to feel violated. I would too if someone did that to me. Nobody should shame her or undermine her feelings. Nobody.

If that's the case, then she would have known this was a shitty thing to do to OP. If you can't talk to someone, you definitely don't get to kiss them on the neck. Proves the point how disgusting it was.

This 😂

I generally don't discuss the time I was throttled nearly to death or the other horrific things that have happened to me, because it's not, actually, relevant and I'm not trying to silence anyone else.

Being sexually assaulted, raped and violently beaten is common. Has happened to many of us.

That doesn't, in any way, give anybody the right to tell other women how to speak, feel or what opinions to give.

If we were walking up to the OP and, uninvited, telling her not to be so ridiculous that would be one thing.

But the OP posted and the OP will receive responses.

She herself stated "never felt more cringed or violated in my life".

Hope her good fortune continues, no sarcasm intended.

You don't get to shout other women down because of your own experiences.

If she stops being so hyperbolic more people will have sympathy for her. Fact.

I am dreading being a MIL seeing the way some DIL’s talk about them. No doubt had she not bothered doing anything you’d complain about that too. I think many women see their MIL as competition and no doubt some MIL see their DIL as competition. Son’s can love more than 1 person simultaneously.

@honestyISkind That doesn't, in any way, give anybody the right to tell other women how to speak, feel or what opinions to give.

I was asked the question of “Have you ever known anyone who has been violated?” And I answered it.

I stand by what I said in my previous post - no one has the right to tell the OP she is being OTT. If she feels violated, then she feels violated, and she shouldn’t be undermined. Especially by other women. But I’m hardly surprised at some of these comments. Mumsnet never fails to disgust me.

I'm not dreading being an MIL at all, despite mumsnetters pointing out often that their mother's in law are appalling people and reading so many family issues on here.

That's because I can maintain boundaries, I don't try to steamroller new mums, I never try to appropriate what's not mine, I am respectful and compassionate, I don't think I am more important than other people in my family, and if my daughter in law turns out to be unpleasant I will keep my distance, maintain a great relationship with my son and manage it like an adult rather than trying to constantly win.

And I stand by mine. Everyone has the right to tell her she is OTT. I think she is OTT. Don't ask for opinions if you don't want to hear them.

Instructing one set of women to shut up while telling them that another woman you happen to agree with must never be told she is wrong is illogical.

Yes, mumsnetters do indeed often disgust me too.

The OP didn’t ask for opinions on how she reacted, or how she felt, or how she should feel.

Her actual question was: How should I handle that in future? I never want to be in that situation again?

Imagine reading a post from a woman, sharing an experience where they felt uncomfortable and violated, and other women totally shut her down and undermine her. “Oh OP you’re so OTT. Poor MIL”.

Feeling violated, no matter if you received an unsolicited cat-call or peck on the neck, or if you’ve experienced extreme physical or sexual violence, should never be met with condescending and undermining comments.

Some of the comments on this thread just shows how truly fucked up society is. Sickening.

@Workaholic99 please NEVER ever, let anyone undermine your experiences or tell you how you should feel.

Yes, there are indeed many fucked, up, sickening women who try to shout other women down and try to silence any opinions they disagree with.

Dreadful behaviour.

You post online on an opinion site, you get opinions. End.

I am dreading being a MIL seeing the way some DIL’s talk about them. No doubt had she not bothered doing anything you’d complain about that too. I think many women see their MIL as competition and no doubt some MIL see their DIL as competition. Son’s can love more than 1 person simultaneously.

If MIL wanted to interact with OP, the thing to do would have been to talk to her, not kiss her on the neck. How does that need explaining?

@Workaholic99 maybe she'd had a bit too much sherry on departure and felt affection but didn't want to disturb you.
But omw my mil wasn't a fan of mine and had she done that I'd have shuddered for a decade at least 😐

Ah I see it.

You think it’s totally acceptable for people to undermine the OP and call her OTT. That her own feelings and experiences are invalid?

She should just be a good woman shouldn’t she? Just sit back, put up and shut up, take the “opinions” on the chin?

But any comments that challenge these unkind and unhelpful comments are trying to “silence” and shouldn’t be shared?

Yeah, I’m glad to end our discussion here too. Goodnight.

You see nothing.

As stated, the OP was OTT. Most agree. She will continue to be told that by me.

It's irrational to tell some women to shut up and insist that nobody is allowed to tell the OP they disagree.

No amount of attempted escalation on your part will shift my simple, fair view.

Keep burbling on, I will just keep stating the same thing and not rise to the attempted goading and logical fallacies.

She posted on an opinion site. She will receive opinions. End.