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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to not simply give DB half of this money??

173 replies

Gcn · 27/07/2024 16:26

Years ago (prob around 15 years ago), DM set up a joint savings account with me. At the time she said she and her mum had one and that I should consider the money mine. It's a 40 day notice account. Early on I put some money in, but she put in the lion's share. When I was a king big purchases (e.g. New kitchen, car) she'd say to take it from that account. I never did - too much hassle to withdraw money. Over the past 10 is years it's just sat there, I've put in the odd £50 to keep it active. But it's gaining no interest now, so I wanted to move it to another account. When I mentioned it to mum to get her permission as joint account holder she agreed and has written a letter to bank to that effect.

Anyway DB is visiting for a few days and he mentioned how dm is anxious about the money, that she can't remember where the money came from, and that she wants to split it between him and me.

Aibu to disagree? It's not all her money to decide what to do with. If I'd used it when she'd suggested then there'd be very little left. There about £13k in it, mum will have put in around £6k I think, but have no statements from when it was opened. DM is terminally ill. If I hadn't mentioned the account to her it would have just come to me when she dies. She wants it sorted out and wants me to give £6.5k to DB.

OP posts:
Lupina12 · 27/07/2024 16:29

Why did she not set up a joint savings account with your brother? What’s the history there?

Noshowlomo · 27/07/2024 16:29

Did your brother have similar?

MulberryBushRoundabout · 27/07/2024 16:30

This is a very odd set up OP.

Sorry but I think YABU, if it’s a joint account it’s joint money and she gets to decide what happens to her half of it.

millymollymoomoo · 27/07/2024 16:33

Ask the bank for statements

work out your contributions plus interest, the that and the rest split between you and your brother

Longhotsummers · 27/07/2024 16:34

But she’s not asking you to give your £6.5k, she’s asking you to give him her share of it. You are being grabby if you ignore her wishes.

Lmnop22 · 27/07/2024 16:34

You need to go to the bank and get statements printed - this is easy enough. Figure out how much she put in and how much you put in.

Then, when your mother dies, give your brother half of what she put in because it’s her money (despite offering you the use of it years ago) and she’s been clear what she wants to happen to it.

If you dig your heels in over £3k or so, you’ll cause drama and potentially alienate your brother.

pingpongding · 27/07/2024 16:35

Op, that is such a strange set up and also the information that this was done with your DM and your grandmother makes it more so. Just why?

To answer your question though, it's between you and your DM and nothing to do with DB but he's right to find the whole arrangement weird.

Sunshineafterthehail · 27/07/2024 16:36

So db can have half of dm's half surely?

discoballdave · 27/07/2024 16:38

Why can't your DB have your mum's half as it's a joint savings account? It's not all yours. It doesn't matter what you would have or wouldn't have done with the money several years ago. You didn't. The money's still there and half is hers legally as a joint account.

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 27/07/2024 16:44

It sounds like DM and DGM had a joint account for DMs benefit, and DM wanted to do the same for you.

Is it basically a 'fuck off' fund that she wanted you to have access to, if you needed to leave a relationship in future, but her name on it so a husband couldn't take it in a divorce? Something she and her DM did as women would have been (and often still are) very financially disadvantaged compared to men?

If you've paid in a chunk of the money yourself, I'd be telling DB that that's why she doesn't know where all the money has come from, because what she doesn't know about has come from you!

Does she actually want this money shared, or is it DB that saying she does? It sounds like he's got wind of it and has decided it's not fair and he wants a slice of the pie, and DM had no desire for it to be shared until he got involved.

LittleGreenDragons · 27/07/2024 16:45

DB has half her share. You keep all of yours and half hers. Although I would question why she set up this account with you and not do one for her other child at the same time. I definitely would question that.

EDIT - I reread after another poster, if your grandmother had similar with your mother then I agree, it's a running away from abusive marriage fund. Men don't need these funds which is probably why she didn't set one up for DB.

Gcn · 27/07/2024 16:46

It's more that I think DM is treating it all as her money to choose what to do with - when it isn't just hers. It's mine too. There would be nothing (legally) to stop me from withdrawing it all and moving it to my own account. A joint account isn't just split 50/50.

It was set up originally as a bit of an escape fund - my mum was a single parent who thought it was important that I had some money to rely on if dp and I separated.

I don't know whether DB has similar, I'd doubt it though.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/07/2024 16:47

Lmnop22 · 27/07/2024 16:34

You need to go to the bank and get statements printed - this is easy enough. Figure out how much she put in and how much you put in.

Then, when your mother dies, give your brother half of what she put in because it’s her money (despite offering you the use of it years ago) and she’s been clear what she wants to happen to it.

If you dig your heels in over £3k or so, you’ll cause drama and potentially alienate your brother.

Do this.

Ponoka7 · 27/07/2024 16:51

pingpongding · 27/07/2024 16:35

Op, that is such a strange set up and also the information that this was done with your DM and your grandmother makes it more so. Just why?

To answer your question though, it's between you and your DM and nothing to do with DB but he's right to find the whole arrangement weird.

Traditionally it was so women had their own money because often money would be left to the eldest son and women at the mercy of their husband. Women earned less, there was no maternity leave etc etc. It also gave an aging woman a little nest egg, which if she had to move in with her DD it made her more welcome.

OP she is getting confused. It's fine to share her half but make it clear that you've put into this account as well.

MattSmithsBowTie · 27/07/2024 16:52

Just tell him you used it for the kitchen and there’s only £500 left…

YorkshireTeaBiscuits · 27/07/2024 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AffableApple · 27/07/2024 16:53

Have you tried reminding your mum this was a "fuck off fund", set up in a similar fashion to what she had with her mother from the older female generationto the younger? If that doesn't ring any bells then you'll have to do as a PP suggested and dissect it with the bank. The contributions she made should be split 50/50. This is ridiculous though.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/07/2024 16:55

Have you heard these words xome from your mother's own mouth?

AffableApple · 27/07/2024 16:56

Also take out the kitchen money as per PP

ExtraOnions · 27/07/2024 16:56

Ask the bank for all the statements - you may need to pay for this depending how far back they need to go. Then highlight the money you have put in, and the money your mother has put in.

Despair1 · 27/07/2024 16:58

MulberryBushRoundabout · 27/07/2024 16:30

This is a very odd set up OP.

Sorry but I think YABU, if it’s a joint account it’s joint money and she gets to decide what happens to her half of it.

I agree with this.

PaleSunshineOfHope · 27/07/2024 17:02

Is that actually what your mum says, or just what your brother has told you?

Cherrysoup · 27/07/2024 17:03

Is your mum able to tell you to your face what she wants done with the money? I suggest you check the legalities, your brother can’t just have half. Is she in care? Her accounts may be looked at post mortem (sorry to be brutal, sorting out dm’s accounts currently)if she needs financial assistance eg she’s in care/has carers in or needs them soon.

HowDidThisHappenDinesh · 27/07/2024 17:03

Hang on... your DB mentioned she was anxious about it? She hasn't mentioned it you herself, and has given you a letter agreeing you can withdraw it?
Are you sure your brother is not just making stuff up and being grabby?

Gloooooop · 27/07/2024 17:03

It sounds like
You are being unreasonable and unkind to your dying Mum. Unless there is a whole back story.