Aibu to not simply give DB half of this money??

[Gcn]

Years ago (prob around 15 years ago), DM set up a joint savings account with me. At the time she said she and her mum had one and that I should consider the money mine. It's a 40 day notice account. Early on I put some money in, but she put in the lion's share. When I was a king big purchases (e.g. New kitchen, car) she'd say to take it from that account. I never did - too much hassle to withdraw money. Over the past 10 is years it's just sat there, I've put in the odd £50 to keep it active. But it's gaining no interest now, so I wanted to move it to another account. When I mentioned it to mum to get her permission as joint account holder she agreed and has written a letter to bank to that effect.

Anyway DB is visiting for a few days and he mentioned how dm is anxious about the money, that she can't remember where the money came from, and that she wants to split it between him and me.

Aibu to disagree? It's not all her money to decide what to do with. If I'd used it when she'd suggested then there'd be very little left. There about £13k in it, mum will have put in around £6k I think, but have no statements from when it was opened. DM is terminally ill. If I hadn't mentioned the account to her it would have just come to me when she dies. She wants it sorted out and wants me to give £6.5k to DB.

Op isn't ghosting. Thanks for the advice.

Nobody owes anyone an update.

Give him 3k half your mums contribution. Sorry your mum's poorly 😢

The timing of your mother's inexplicable confusion and change of heart around this money is all rather odd, don't you think, coming as it does when she is terminally ill and your brother just so happens to be visiting her for a few days?

Anyway - I would go to the bank, explain that you need to share the money out and you need all the bank statements for the account as far back as they can possibly go. Once you have those, you can work out who paid in what (if they don't go back all the way just divide the earliest balance you have as 50/50. Then calculate what percent was paid in by each of you. Use that percentage split on the current balance (which includes interest) and that will tell you how much is yours, and how much is hers.

As to what you do with that knowledge, well that's up to you.

But depending on her other assets, should she need residential care in the future then her savings will be taken into account. And if she's given any of it away, then the authorities might want it back to pay for her care. They could see it as deprivation of assets.

She's terminal. Do whatever she wants.

Do you know why she has an account with a kid on it? So you have access to money if she needs something. Something of hers needs paying and you can do it easily. So it would appear you have more assets when applying for credit. There is that benefit. That is why she put the lions share in. It’s a risk to her if you have a debt they could attach that account to collect their money. I don’t know why you put money in there at all. Can’t you open your own account? You already knew she could withdrawal all but £5. Leaving any money you put in gone. You knew there was a chance none of the money would be your use. Why did you put money in there yourself at all? Why are you entitled to an extra 6K that your brother is not entitled to. You don’t take more than your sibling put save a penny when it can’t be completely divided equally.

Just tell brother shes forgotten but its your cash and tell her mum you have obv forgotten but this is the cash you gave me with my cash added in.
Unless shes batshit crazy she will remember

i totally missed all this. How did you get this from OPs statements?

Mum and me had a joint bank account as she trusted me to sort out her finances when she became frail and couldn't get out to the branch very often (before online banking). Dad was useless with money and as she had a always worked and had a good savings pot and pension she kept her finances separate from his. No brothers or sisters so everything was down to me. The bank manager told us that having this joint account would make things much easier for us should anything happen to either of us. So not a weird set up especially between female family members. Mothers, daughters and grandmothers its a way of looking out for you. A joint account is exactly that so ensure that your brother gets just half of your mums share, your share is totally yours

HVfan you sound angry, as if it's coming out your pocket.
Why should DB get half of what's in the account, I'd be more inclined to say he should get half of what his DM put in, if he was to get any more then he'd be getting more than OP coz she put her half in. Personally I'd give him zero

If the mother had intended the brother to have a share, his name would be on the account. He has not contributed anything to the account so why should he think he is entitled to any of it.?

If the father and brother had a joint account, would the daughter be entitled to any of that money?

What does DM , DD and DP and all these things mean? Why can´t people just type names and words. I cannot understand a single post in this forum with all the code letters. I cannot comment as I have no bloody idea who these letters are and what they mean. Families can be tricky though, especially when it comes to money. Old people can be easily manipulated.

The bank will hold the statements get them then work out what is your payments and split the remainder with your DB. Unless of course you want a family quarrel which money always causes. My two DS haven't spoken to me in 3 years because I stuck to the letter of my DM will and refused to sell her house for far less than its worth to one of the nephews (Who didn't have a mortgage anyway!). Think about it do you want to alienate you DB. Don't be greedy be fair.

The D usually stands for Darling or Dear, M for Mother, so DM = Darling Mother
Equally, DS = son, DD = daughter, DP = partner, DH = husband etc
Then OH = other half
WFT = what the fuck, WTAF = wtactualf
Never sure if BF is best friend or boyfriend, probably depends on context.
ExH = ex-husband, STBExH = soon to be ex-husband
OP = original poster, ie the person who instigated the thread

Sometimes you just go with a best guess as to what it all means. After a while it starts to make a sort of sense and then something comes up which throws a spanner in.

I have been on google to find out and there is a list of most of them. There is probably a glossary on mumsnet website. The more you read the easier it will get.

Good luck getting your head around it.

You've just joined an established community, @BabyBlue777. You may have to make a bit of effort to understand how it works, just like the rest of us did when new.

Abbreviations here: www.mumsnet.com/i/acronyms

Almost any mother who went through women being at the husbands mercy financially would do this for a daughter. It is a bug out fund. Men didn't need one. It is a perfectly reasonable thing to me. I suspect at almost 60 I recall a different world than younger women. While my daughter won't need this I certainly would have left my first marriage ( where I made most of the money, but he controlled it) much sooner if I'd had this. The world has changed. Mom wanted this for her daughter's safety.

And you might to be a bit more welcoming.

So at least you can now quantify how much your brother's relationship is worth to you... somewhere less than £7500. What a wonderful human you are

It's quite disgusting that you say that men can't be in an abusive relationship

Plenty of so-called family relationships are worth a great deal less.

How about how her brother quantifies his relationship with her. She's got this money (which I've not contributed to) and I want it. What a grabby, avaricious human he is. If he was halfway decent he wouldn't have suggested it in the first place.

Have you conveniently forgotten that he had his wedding paid for, which would have been considerably more than £7.5K.

Why should she acquiesce to his demands? The account was set up by the Mother so that her Daughter had a running away fund to help her if she was ever in trouble. He was free to have a similar arrangement with his Father, but didn't. Was he like this when they were children, demanding all her presents and toys?

The money in this account is nothing to do with him and it sounds like he has got in his Mother's ear and made suggestions that he is somehow "entitled" to it.

It wasn't said that men can't be in abusive relationships, I know of some who have, but generally the man has the greater income and control of the family money, even more so when the OP's mother and grandmother were young, meaning that a woman needs this cushion more than a man. When push comes to shove, literally as well as figuratively a man is more able to defend himself against a woman.

If you think she put in 6k ish then Just give her the money to give to db as it’s what she put in plus it’ll keep happy relations x