Aibu to not simply give DB half of this money??

[Gcn]

Years ago (prob around 15 years ago), DM set up a joint savings account with me. At the time she said she and her mum had one and that I should consider the money mine. It's a 40 day notice account. Early on I put some money in, but she put in the lion's share. When I was a king big purchases (e.g. New kitchen, car) she'd say to take it from that account. I never did - too much hassle to withdraw money. Over the past 10 is years it's just sat there, I've put in the odd £50 to keep it active. But it's gaining no interest now, so I wanted to move it to another account. When I mentioned it to mum to get her permission as joint account holder she agreed and has written a letter to bank to that effect.

Anyway DB is visiting for a few days and he mentioned how dm is anxious about the money, that she can't remember where the money came from, and that she wants to split it between him and me.

Aibu to disagree? It's not all her money to decide what to do with. If I'd used it when she'd suggested then there'd be very little left. There about £13k in it, mum will have put in around £6k I think, but have no statements from when it was opened. DM is terminally ill. If I hadn't mentioned the account to her it would have just come to me when she dies. She wants it sorted out and wants me to give £6.5k to DB.

7k of this is what OP put in. So that gets transferred initially.

Mum's 6k is then split between them. If it's all given to DB, then that means that OP gets nothing from her mum. So they get 3k each.

Why should the DB get 100% of the mother's contribution? In the best case scenario, he should get 1/2 of what DM put in and not a penny more.

I have a feeling DB has strong-armed his DM and twisted her into this.

Hang on a minute. How much did she give him for his wedding. Might want to remind them both of that.

Absolutely this! It sounds as if the brother is being unfair to the OP, rather than vice versa.

It's not 500 pounds though. If Mom wants to be fair, the DB is only "entitled" to one half of his mother's contribution (so about 3-3.5K). Any other way screws the OP out of anything from her DM. I bet the funeral will cost at least 6K, so OP should take her part out that she contributed and then tell DB, we can split the remainder but each of us will be responsible for 1/2 of mother's funeral/final expenses.

That is, if OP's DM ever even said to split it.

That would not be wise because if DB is being manipulative, he could then "get" all of their DM's contribution and then OP is out her share.

Why is it that so many want to acquiesce totally to "the man" in the scenario?
Misogyny run so deep! Don't upset the man even if it means the woman suffers. 🙄

Don't you think there will be resentment when DM paid for the DB's wedding, which was probably more than DM contributed to the bank acct.?

It's always the woman who should "give" to the man so as not to create a fuss.

@Gcn You need to talk to your mother while it's still possible. Inform her of the facts and don't forget to remind her that she paid for your DB's wedding, so how would she like that split?
At the most generous, your DB can have one half of ONLY your DM's contribution. Your half, and half of DMs, is all yours.
Also, find out how your DB found out about this acct. Has he been nosing all through your DM's things? For what reason? Is he with your DM right now?

Men can get abused too and may need these funds just as much

In this case I think her mother’s share should be split between OP and her brother if not what’s the point of keeping her money stuck in the joint account all this years?

And I agree it’s a very strange setup.

Keep it it's yours and was an arrangement between you and your mum how they all come out the woodwork is very sad indeed

She gave her permission and your DB is questioning it?! It sounds like he's heard about the bank account and wants a share. It is your money and you don't know how much money she's given him over the years. Just set up the new account without it being a joint one.

I have/had a joint account with my mom and my nan when I was younger. I didn’t pay into it at all as they were set up as kiddie savers when I was a baby. When I hit 18 it had to be transferred to an ISA which I then started paying into. I couldn’t tell you how much I put in or how much my Nan and mom paid in to them but when I moved out my mom told me what was in our joint account was mine. The one I had with my Nan was for me to go to uni with but as I didn’t go my second car was bought with the money that was in it. when she died I got what was in it regardless of what I’d put into it.

ask the bank for statements, work out what money is yours and then split your moms share with your brother

I don't think you're being unreasonable completely. If anything your DB should perhaps get half of your mums contribution this means both of you are getting half of the 6k
Giving your DB half of what's in the account isn't fair on you, this means your DM is giving all her shares to DB, I'd mention this to your DM. Good luck

Not at all an odd thing to do between mothers and daughters - very common amongst some mining families where I grew up as a way for the women of the family to manage their money.OP - if you haven't needed to touch the money before then account for only what your mother contributed and split with your brother. Show him the payments history into the account. Not worth the long term hassle for a few thou.

that she can't remember where the money came from

Have you talked to her directly about this?

As I said upthread. How much have you both had ? If this is basically all you have had and he has had a wedding paid for are you actually worse off. I’d want to be fair to my DC and maybe she’s forgotten

If I were you, I'd withdraw the lot and give DB a couple of grand to keep him happy!

👆🏻 this! I would speak to your mum directly.

Get the money out first and foremost and in your name. I think your brother is coming it here. You need to have a chat to your Mum and ask what’s been said. Also find out how much she gave him for the wedding. That amount should be taken from the balance if he want to be ‘fair’

Then you need to have a family meeting and lead a conversation with your DB, in front of your mother, about the costs of what was given to him as a gift for his wedding and how this was your gift. You need to tell him not all the money in the account was contributed by your mother and that what was is x… therefore, based on the fact he’s had that or more for a wedding he is not owed anything unless of course your mothers contribution to you was more than this in which case whoever has received the upper amount needs to split the difference in the interest of parity.

Is explain to DB that x is yours that you put in. Whatever is left should be split

I call it an out of town account. Has your mum written a will? Yes get your money out & split her half

Time and again I've seen families get embroiled in disputes over money, including the least likely "suspects". All of a sudden they have a voice and for this reason I'm sorry but I would question your brothers motivation in bringing it up. As said before , how did he find out. Be careful he make just talk your mum into getting half. Sounds ruthless but do what you have to do to get your money you paid in for a start, now before it's too late. Literally do not trust anyone when it comes to money - from experience and 2nd hand observation. He could be genuine but do you want to find out the hard way that he's not. DM paid for his wedding fair enough, so why should he be bothered about an arrangement between you and your DM.

Did DM pay for your wedding? Or eg give you money for a deposit or similar?

If not, I'd be tempted to point out to him how he has financially gained where you haven't.

Keep it - your mother wanted you to have it for good reason, she would be aware as a single mum how unequal women's finances often are.