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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if it’s bad to send your children to childcare when you’re not working?

204 replies

lilacfield · 26/07/2024 16:16

I probably know the answer but feel a bit guilty as both cried when I dropped them off. They go 3 days a week but I don’t work in school holidays.

OP posts:
ll09sm · 27/07/2024 13:23

Fine as long as you pay for it yourself rather than expecting working people to pick up the tab.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/07/2024 13:39

FolkSongSweet · 27/07/2024 11:43

OP is planning on putting them both in nursery though - no 1-1 with either child.

I don’t know any teachers who did this. And I don’t know any parents who took multiple days of annual leave per week without their kids.

For all those who say breaks to get housework done and for maternal mental health are essential etc - what do you think non-teacher parents do? I work full
time and have no family support and DH and I use one day of annual leave per year to do our Xmas shopping and go for a nice lunch. The idea that we should need or expect multiple child free days per week is just completely unrealistic.

If I had the absolute luxury available to me to have paid time off that I could spend with my small children I would be grabbing it with both hands.

But OP is a teacher. She doesn’t need to make life harder for herself just because not every parent is a teacher.

zzar45 · 27/07/2024 13:39

ll09sm · 27/07/2024 13:23

Fine as long as you pay for it yourself rather than expecting working people to pick up the tab.

Does working term time separate you from “working people”?

Salumthecat · 27/07/2024 14:10

I understand why you posted OP and that you were feeling guilty about your decision, I’ve read all your posts and you are starting to annoy me now…

You are a working mother with two kids and the usual everyday tasks that need doing, how often do you get time to yourself?

Being a mother is a hard enough job and with working as well you essentially spend the majority of your life having no time to unwind and relax. This is an opportunity for you to have a bit of extra time for yourself and you should not feel guilty for choosing to take advantage of that. Just because you are a mother doesn’t mean that you never get to put yourself first and look after your own well being and mental health, I think it makes you a better parent as you will be less tired and stressed, have more patience and enjoy your time with your kids more.
The fact you are even worrying about this shows you are a good mum, you aren’t going to scar your kids for life for having the extra time in childcare, if you had to work you wouldn’t be questioning it, your kids won’t even remember this in a few months!
You obviously trust nursery to look after them whilst you are working so they will be fine when you aren’t.

You are continuously justifying decisions you’ve made as a parent on this thread to people whose opinions don’t matter, I understand this is because you are feeling guilty but you know yourself you have no reason to. You will always get people who disagree when you ask for opinions, sometimes it’s helpful to get another perspective but in this case you are just focusing on the negative posts when you don’t need to. You are making a choice that suits you and if you take advice to the contrary you are just making your own life difficult.
If you were seeking validation then you have plenty of people who support your decision and are of a similar mindset. There is no right or wrong in this situation but you don’t know peoples agenda for posting comments here, they could be jealous that you have this opportunity, just want to argue for the sake of it or have just been conditioned to believe that being a good mother means never being apart from your children.
Have you asked people you are close to and know your situation for their opinion? It’s better to take advice from people who genuinely want to support you and who want the best for you rather then strangers on the internet.

There are a million and one reasons why mothers feel guilty and most of the time it’s unnecessary. If your kids are fed, loved, happy and healthy then you are doing great, however you also need to take care of yourself, you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you don’t take this time this summer I think you will regret it later when you don’t have a minute for yourself.

It’s not like you are going abroad and leaving your kids behind, you said you have household jobs that need doing as well, it’ll be much easier for you to crack on with those when your kids are at nursery, it’s better to get on top of it now rather then having to do it whilst juggling work and entertaining small people! If not it’s just hanging over you all summer.
Men get praised for doing the bare minimum as parents but women are made to feel guilty unless they dedicate their whole lives to their children.

I maybe have a different perspective because I’m childfree, I watch my friends who are parents beating themselves up unless they put their kids before them in every single situation, society has conditioned them to feel like they have to, they feel guilty for having any wants and needs that aren’t related to parenthood. Quite often their husbands and partners do whatever they want and don’t think twice about childcare, if they look after or “babysit” their own kids they act like they deserve a medal.

Enjoy the free time, get on top of your household jobs and spend the rest doing things that make you happy, it’s a few hours a week and your kids are in nursery not down a mine!

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 14:25

I'm in a term time only role and I just cannot imagine not wanting to spend my holiday time with my 1 year old. Especially if she wasn't keen on nursery. I can teach her more than nursery can anyway. But you do you.

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 14:27

I agree it would maybe unsettle them to take them out but just mornings would keep them used to it. Full days aren't necessary.

Bustedpoon · 27/07/2024 14:27

Lazy parenting

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 14:29

Btw I'm referring to the 1 yo just because I also have a 1 year old daughter, not because I'm discounting your three year old. However the benefits of nursery for three year olds are more obvious. For babies/very young toddlers most research suggests they're better off with a primary caregiver.

Bbq1 · 27/07/2024 14:34

lilacfield · 27/07/2024 10:18

More likely sort the laundry and nap!

I am surprised that people are fussing about DD actually - there is no way it would be sensible or kind to do 3 weeks in, 6 weeks out then there for the foreseeable.

There IS an argument for taking ds out and that’s where I possibly am being a bit selfish.

So why did you ask the question? It's clear that your me time is more important to you than giving your 3 yo some 1-1 time or keeping a baby at home for a few more weeks. You clearly don't like the fact that not everybody is agreeing with you. Do what you want, you clearly will anyway.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/07/2024 14:34

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 14:27

I agree it would maybe unsettle them to take them out but just mornings would keep them used to it. Full days aren't necessary.

OP has already said that it won’t be full days.

Green777 · 27/07/2024 14:39

Personally, any time I could spend with my children when they were younger was a treat. With all the stresses of life and having to work and be so busy, prioritising time with them was something I have never regretted.

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 14:45

She said short days. Not half days. I just can't imagine wanting to miss time with my kids to sit and watch a boxset in the summer holidays but we're all different.

zzar45 · 27/07/2024 14:51

Bbq1 · 27/07/2024 14:34

So why did you ask the question? It's clear that your me time is more important to you than giving your 3 yo some 1-1 time or keeping a baby at home for a few more weeks. You clearly don't like the fact that not everybody is agreeing with you. Do what you want, you clearly will anyway.

OP has at least 4, mostly 5 days with them for the next month and a half. I’m sure she will get plenty of quality time in.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/07/2024 14:53

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 14:45

She said short days. Not half days. I just can't imagine wanting to miss time with my kids to sit and watch a boxset in the summer holidays but we're all different.

Oh, I can. Especially if I was still going to be spending plenty of time with them anyway.

You’re right. Everyone is different.

SunQueen24 · 27/07/2024 17:31

lilacfield · 27/07/2024 09:55

I think that very much depends on the mum @SunQueen24 !

Thanks for responses. As I’ve said they will mostly just be doing two days a week through the summer, it’s only this next week they are doing three. I think that’s probably a good balance.

I kept my eldest in 3 days during mat leave with my second. I wouldn’t have managed otherwise.

zzar45 · 27/07/2024 18:27

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 14:45

She said short days. Not half days. I just can't imagine wanting to miss time with my kids to sit and watch a boxset in the summer holidays but we're all different.

So you’ve never done anything for yourself ever that doesn’t involve your children?

FolkSongSweet · 27/07/2024 20:10

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/07/2024 13:39

But OP is a teacher. She doesn’t need to make life harder for herself just because not every parent is a teacher.

Personally I wouldn’t consider spending time with my children “making my life harder” - as I said in my posts I would view this as an absolute luxury and wish I had this opportunity.

My point was that it’s really not normal to have or need multiple days off a week from your children when you are a parent, especially when the kids are small. I don’t know a single parent who would book 2-3 days of annual leave a week for weeks on end for some “me time”.

All the working parents I know, teachers included, want to maximise the time that they have with their kids.

Missmarymack2 · 27/07/2024 21:31

Of course I always send my ds to childcare when I am not working. I have to pay for it anyway so use the time to do things for myself like relaxing hikes etc and catching up on housework. Or I will meet my parents for some child free time with them. To be honest I will often collect him earlier than usual though because I feel guilty!

BurbageBrook · 27/07/2024 21:34

@zzzar45 I have a long bath with a book or a run for myself most days which only takes an hour while DH has DD. No need to put them in nursery for hours on end to do that. I watch boxsets in the evening when she is asleep in bed! Would I want my daughter looked after by a nursery worker rather than me just so I could watch some TV and do some housework? Absolutely not. Also, it's not that hard to do housework with kids around anyway. It takes longer but they enjoy 'helping' and you can have time in the baby's naps too. Just seems crazy to me to prefer institutionalised childcare but there you are.

SouthLondonMum22 · 27/07/2024 22:10

FolkSongSweet · 27/07/2024 20:10

Personally I wouldn’t consider spending time with my children “making my life harder” - as I said in my posts I would view this as an absolute luxury and wish I had this opportunity.

My point was that it’s really not normal to have or need multiple days off a week from your children when you are a parent, especially when the kids are small. I don’t know a single parent who would book 2-3 days of annual leave a week for weeks on end for some “me time”.

All the working parents I know, teachers included, want to maximise the time that they have with their kids.

OP will still have her children the vast majority of the time during the summer. She will spend plenty of time with them.

Followyouinto · 27/07/2024 22:54

I think it’s pretty shocking to leave them in for the full 9-4 @lilacfield Are you saying your one year old can tell the time? Why can’t you maintain consistency by dropping off for 9 and collecting at 12? You still get a few hours to yourself. Maybe a bit more adjustment will be needed to go back to full day but you’ve already said baby isn’t settled in so surely they’ll benefit more from that time with you? All going well I am expecting number 2 and I will be dropping my 2 year old down to mornings only. I can’t imagine leaving her in all day.

Definitely children benefit from school and childcare but let’s be honest there is a reason school isn’t 9-5 or even 9-4. It’s too much on young children. That’s the reality. I know that and I send my DD as I don’t have a choice which is why I don’t understand you not grabbing the chance to spend more time with them when you can. Especially your poor baby who is only just 1. Are you really a ‘better mother’ by purposely keeping them away from the person they love most and feel most secure with for s as full day 2/3 days a week when they don’t need to be….

LameBorzoi · 28/07/2024 01:17

Followyouinto · 27/07/2024 22:54

I think it’s pretty shocking to leave them in for the full 9-4 @lilacfield Are you saying your one year old can tell the time? Why can’t you maintain consistency by dropping off for 9 and collecting at 12? You still get a few hours to yourself. Maybe a bit more adjustment will be needed to go back to full day but you’ve already said baby isn’t settled in so surely they’ll benefit more from that time with you? All going well I am expecting number 2 and I will be dropping my 2 year old down to mornings only. I can’t imagine leaving her in all day.

Definitely children benefit from school and childcare but let’s be honest there is a reason school isn’t 9-5 or even 9-4. It’s too much on young children. That’s the reality. I know that and I send my DD as I don’t have a choice which is why I don’t understand you not grabbing the chance to spend more time with them when you can. Especially your poor baby who is only just 1. Are you really a ‘better mother’ by purposely keeping them away from the person they love most and feel most secure with for s as full day 2/3 days a week when they don’t need to be….

Picking up at lunchtime isn't a good idea. I thought I'd might be nice to do this for my kid, who was normally very happy at daycare. When I went back to full days,the educators they got confused and upset after lunch. The knowledge that I stood pick them up at a certain time made them feel secure. Switching that around wasn't good.

Alli88 · 28/07/2024 03:03

Of course it's wrong. I can't even begin to understand why you'd have children if you're not going to spend time with them and have a stranger bring them up. It's wrong and completely selfish and self centred. Poor kids

Alli88 · 28/07/2024 03:12

lilacfield · 27/07/2024 11:04

Gosh, there are some remarkably unpleasant posters on this thread.

It is you that is unpleasant trying to justify the fact that there's you don't want to be a mother to your children. Your priority is yourself and you post nonsense about resettling your baby being difficult if you take her out or your son not learning if he's not at nursery all of which are excuses for wanting nap time and to sort the house out after being off work for a year. Yeah right. Your children are babies who need and obviously want to be at home with their mum but their mother doesn't want to be with them. Shame on you.

zzar45 · 28/07/2024 03:25

Alli88 · 28/07/2024 03:12

It is you that is unpleasant trying to justify the fact that there's you don't want to be a mother to your children. Your priority is yourself and you post nonsense about resettling your baby being difficult if you take her out or your son not learning if he's not at nursery all of which are excuses for wanting nap time and to sort the house out after being off work for a year. Yeah right. Your children are babies who need and obviously want to be at home with their mum but their mother doesn't want to be with them. Shame on you.

Children being in childcare 2 days a week during OP’s 6 week holiday doesn’t mean the OP doesn’t want to be a mother. Fucking hell what a nasty comment.

It’s funny because I’m sure most of these people would have no issue if granny picked the kids up 2 days a week.
Apparently mothers as only allowed a break if they have family around to do free childcare on tap. If you don’t have that luxury and therefore probably need the break even more then you’re demonised!

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