To ask if it’s bad to send your children to childcare when you’re not working?

[lilacfield]

I probably know the answer but feel a bit guilty as both cried when I dropped them off. They go 3 days a week but I don’t work in school holidays.

So I take my baby out, let her forget the staff, then resettle her in September only leading to further confusion and distress. My three year old is further pushed out as I drop him off and take his sister away. That’s in absolutely no one’s best interests. And you do know this.

Well it’s definitely not in your best interests - that’s clear.

If she forgets the staff then there is no confusion in September. If she remembers them then there’s no distress. You really don’t know how any of it would actually pan out. If you were genuinely concerned about that for your 3yo you could just keep him
off as well.

Just accept that this is all about putting yourself first. You want to do this. And you wanted loads of people to validate your decision. Just own it.

There is lots of evidence that the benefits of nursery kick in at 2.5. There is no evidence of any benefit before then.

Thats not the question here though - are you seriously suggesting that a 1 yo wouldn’t prefer being with their mum than in nursery? OP’s baby has been in this nursery for 3 weeks - she doesn’t have a secure attachment with anyone there.

I think it would be far more selfish to take DD out of nursery and resettle her. There is a possible argument for taking DS out to give him some one to one time but the insistence that it’s in a baby’s best interests to go somewhere for three weeks, out for six, back for good is baffling. That would be devastating from a settling point of view.

Yeah, selfish and devastating to not send your baby to nursery…keep telling yourself that.

She never will if she’s in and out and out and in.

Unfortunately, she was born a couple of weeks earlier than would have been ideal from a working point of view. She arrived on literally the last week of term last year, so my twelve months maternity leave ran out at the beginning of July (went off at 38 weeks.) If she’d arrived two weeks later then nursery would have been in September.

However, as things stand it’s quite a nice ‘ease her in gently’ way. Two days a week in August and short days at that.

I do think the focus on DD here is misplaced, given I have to work (albeit part time) it’s not in her best interest to be in and out and out and in. DS now, he’s had a year of adjusting to a new baby and could probably use some one to one. I guess he’s not got the same emotive pull, though?

Gosh, there are some remarkably unpleasant posters on this thread.

There is no evidence of any difference caused by sending kids to nursery before 2.5. In particular, there's no evidence of harm.

There is evidence of benefit from good maternal wellbeing.

And of course the 1yo would prefer not to be dropped at nursery. They'd also prefer to live on lollies and not wear clothes, but that's not what's best for them and the whole family.

If you’re suggesting that OP is incapable
of providing better care than the nursery setting that’s quite an accusation.

Pay no attention. As you said, some people on here will always find anything to be against nurseries. Especially for younger children.

There’s no way at all that I’d pull my child out of nursery for the summer when I’d already started the settling in process just to start over again after the summer.

You’d think by some comments that you will be sending them 8-6 5 days a week. 🙄

You’ll still have so much time to spend with them.

Have you ever been in this situation? Kids of this age can't read a calendar. They don't have the language to understand "tomorrow " and "the day after". They do, however, have a really good understanding of routine. They use it to understand what's going to happen next. Chopping and changing is distressing.

She’s not going to be in and out though, is she? She’s going to be in full time
from September.

There are definite benefits for your 3yo but of course would still be fine if you didn’t send them. It is selfish from your point of view. Of course you don’t like hearing that but you also know that’s the case otherwise you wouldn’t have posted in the first place.

She’s not in a routine - she’s 12 months old and has been going for a few weeks, most likely not even full
time as there will have been a ramp up
settling period. She hasn’t a clue what’s going on.

No @JumpinJellyfish that isn’t what she’s saying or suggesting.

What she is saying is that having a bit of time to do the mundane but necessary - the laundry, the housework, the hospital appointments, the sleep - it does matter - frees up time you do spend with them to be meaningful.

I know there are women (and let’s face it, it almost always is women) who have to do it 365 days a year 24/7. I also know women who have an extensive support network. I’m neither of these. If I want a break (and sometimes I do) I pay for it: it is that simple.

She knows the workers in the baby room. For the first time on Wednesday she didn’t cry at drop off and held her arms out to the key worker.

I am not disrupting that. I also am faintly amused at how DS has been dropped from this discussion. I suppose three year old boys don’t tug on the heartstrings as much as baby girls.

Of course I'm not saying that!

I'm just saying that there is this idea on mumsnet that nursery is bad for little kids/ attachment. I'm saying that that is demonstratably scientifically wrong.

I think most parents are also far better parents if they get some time to themselves

Yes, it’s for you. It’s not for your kids. It’s that simple.

Nursery has proven benefits for 3 year olds. Personally I would probably send the 3yo in for a couple of mornings at most. It’s not about tugging heartstrings it’s about what is developmentally appropriate.

Sure, but does she prefer these keyworkers she’s know for 3 weeks to you? Quite
obviously not.

Yep, you've clearly never been in this situation. Your opinion isn't useful.

That’s not the question though, is it? Taking my own selfish desires out of the equation, resettling her would be horrendous at this stage. And I’m not going to do it. The one I feel guilty about is my older one, but as I’ve said, for the purposes of this thread he apparently doesn’t matter.

Some people are just anti childcare for babies. Fine, don’t use it, I have to work.

Of course she doesn't! It doesn't mean that she can't enjoy their company and feel safe in their presence

The same can be said for her 3 year old.

Or any other child in nursery or school. Of course they prefer their parents.

But parents don’t need to always be with their children.

But that's what I'm saying - leaving a 12 month old in the care of caring competent people that they are developing a relationship with IS developmentally appropriate.

Kids are meant to be raised by a village. It's a post ww2 American idea that kids should be at home with their mum full time. For many of us childcare has to stand in for that village.

Some people are just anti childcare for babies. Fine, don’t use it, I have to work.

…but you don’t have to work over the holidays - isn’t that the entire point of this thread?

If you really truly were putting your kids first and the settling was a genuine concern you could have them doing half days or something. Why did you start this thread if you basically can’t cope with anyone disagreeing with you? You asked if people thought it was bad - yes, some people do.

But if you really just wanted people to say “you go girl! You deserve some me time! Can’t pour from an empty cup! Happy mum happy baby!” then perhaps you can just ignore the other posters.

I think she’s fine.

I do think my DS would benefit from time with me without his sister (lovely as she is, she takes a lot of time because she is a baby.) She is on the move so am constantly retrieving her from places she shouldn’t be. But she can’t walk so can only really go on swings at the park.

I will have a couple of on to one days with him this summer, but I will take some time for me as well. It is only five weeks when all is said and done - three days next week then eight total in August so eleven days. It really isn’t quite as awful as some are making it out to be! Plus I’ve paid.

@ParentsTrapped I posted in a moment of mum guilt is all.

I do think there is a reasonable argument for taking DS out. I can’t really argue with that other than to agree that yes I want a bit of me time. However, I genuinely think it would be bordering on cruel to take DD out at this stage. So I will defend my position on that one.