Boyfriend smokes in the house and gets angry when I ask him not to.

[Lollen]

A little bit of background I live with my boyfriend who owns the house we live in. I do not own the house but I do pay rent.
today like many other times I’ve come home from work & the house stinks of smoke. I’ve bought all of the soft furnishings (rugs, cushions etc) and the landing/upstairs is fully carpeted. Today I said very politely that it smells of smoke and he has hit the roof and told me I have to move out. He said it’s his house he can do what he wants. I just feel so sad. I feel like I’m not allowed to say anything. My clothes smell of smoke, my hair, everything.
it’s worth noting that we have a lovely garden that he can smoke in so it’s not like he has nowhere to do it.
it may be worth pointing out that he smokes 🍃 so I think this has an impact on his mood& temper.
i don’t think he will ever quite even though he’s promised me that he will.

YABU to waste your life on this awful man

He can say what he likes about what you owe him but he doesn't have a leg to stand on. There's no contract between you. If he wants to take you to court let him I doubt that he would win.
I wasn't meaning to criticize you for any naivety on your part (I've done far worse believe me) I'm sorry that I came across that way 🙏🏻💗

You came on here asking for advice and then refuse to listen to the advice. Don't make excuses move out.

@Lollen just keep him sweet for the time being. Be cheerful, refrain from criticising or complaining about anything whilst privately making a solid plan to leave him. When you've got your ducks in a row, get yourself gone.
What's he going to do?
Of course, if you think that being too nice will make him suspicious then be a bit grumpy. In other words do whatever you need to do to stop him from realising what you've got planned.
He hasn't been fair to you, he hasn't played nice, he's not behaved like a partner so you don't owe him anything.

.

I haven’t refused to listen, I’m not sure what gives you that impression.
This thread has given me a lot of food for thought and I’m thankful to everybody who’s contributed. 🙏🏼
I’ve been exploring my options this evening so that I can plan my way out.
Im sorry you feel this way.

Don't settle. You're worth more.

Leave.

Be bold and brave.

I do appreciate it's hard when you've been together since you were a very young adult. Not to mention how upsetting it is when someone that's supposed to care about you treats you like this. It leaves you reeling and searching for answers, because it's hard to face the painful truth that he's just another bastard.
Or at the very least someone who's bastarding instincts are easily triggered
🤬🤬🤬
You can leave op.

You should have discussed this before you moved in and not moved in if he didn't agree to stop smoking in the house.
Since he doesn't care what your wishes are you need to move out and leave him.

His house. his rules and you must have known that he smoked before you moved in.

A bit harsh. It is his house, OP knew the sore before moving in

Maybe but if it was me (and I was young again!) I would probably assume that he would continue to smoke outdoors, or that he would be understanding about my not wanting the weed smell indoors.
I would want to see him as the kind person that I want him to be 🤷🏻‍♀️
Too much benefit of the doubt innit!🤦🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't have even got with someone that smokes. Can't bare the smell.

Yeah the fact OP can't afford to move out isn't really on him. He set a sum to which she agreed. She could have said no. She's made herself dependant on him. He's just lived his life.

Probably one of the motivating factors to him getting his own place was that he would then be able to smoke where he chose to!

If someone moved in with me and started trying to dictate things, I'd tell them fine, leave then. Which is what he's doing.

It doesn't mean I don't have sympathy for the OP. He doesn't sound like a very nice person but I wouldn't call him an abuser. As I said in an earlier post, womens aid is a limited resource and I sometimes do get a bit frustrated on here where every disagreement is responded to with cries of "call womens aid". There are women being genuinely abused that need the help. It doesn't sit right with me clogging up the phone lines (staffed by volunteers) for a disagreement.

OP, shelter is a good idea. They can help advise you of your options. If you're on a low wage it's possible you could get UC top ups to help with rent but that's dependant on how expensive the area you're in is. Citizens advice can help with that. In the mean time don't put any more money into the house. Save everything you can. You probably will still have to pay him rent until you leave but don't pay for anything else.

This is incorrect. Financial abuse within a relationship isn’t defined this way. That is like saying a man who beats his gf isn’t abusing her because she could leave.

Read her posts. She didn't.

Hope you never end up in an abusive relationship. She's not making excuses.

This. Couldn't live like that.

Yes.

It is coming to thsomething when people cannot smoke in their own homes. I don't smoke (I did, gave up years ago), but other people smoking does not bother me. When I was growing up my dad smoked and I sat in the same room as him every evening :-). If you bathe, wash hair and change clothes every morning, you won't be carrying the smell of his smoke with you to work. I always did and never smelled of smoke. If you really dislike it that much, you don't have to live there. However presumably you knew he smoked before you moved in.

Abuse doesn't start with beating the crap out of a partner.

Women's Aid absolutely is there to assist with financial abuse, isolation and threats of homelessness. They support women to get out of abusive relationships. Preferably before the hospital visits.

He's got you over a barrel and, frankly, sounds rather unpleasant. However it doesn't have to stay that way, you can save a bit and find somewhere to live, even a (non-smoking) house/flat share would be a start. Or else move back to your parents and find another job nearer to them. There are always ways and means.

@AquaFurball

I'm well aware of what abuse is. Smoking in the house and (possibly) over charging on the rent isn't it.

My ex boyfriend smoked 🍃 in the house when we moved in together. It drove me fucking insane. Final straw was when I came home from work and saw him and his friends hot boxing my living room. Dump his ass.

He never smoked indoors in his rented accommodation that he and OP shared. So yes she knew he smoked but not that he would do so indoors (not did she realise he would threaten her with eviction for speaking up).

@Lollen you deserve so much better. I hope that very very soon you are able to get out of there and don’t look back.

Oh god leave him!! He sounds awful always threatening to boot you out.