Boyfriend smokes in the house and gets angry when I ask him not to.

[Lollen]

A little bit of background I live with my boyfriend who owns the house we live in. I do not own the house but I do pay rent.
today like many other times I’ve come home from work & the house stinks of smoke. I’ve bought all of the soft furnishings (rugs, cushions etc) and the landing/upstairs is fully carpeted. Today I said very politely that it smells of smoke and he has hit the roof and told me I have to move out. He said it’s his house he can do what he wants. I just feel so sad. I feel like I’m not allowed to say anything. My clothes smell of smoke, my hair, everything.
it’s worth noting that we have a lovely garden that he can smoke in so it’s not like he has nowhere to do it.
it may be worth pointing out that he smokes 🍃 so I think this has an impact on his mood& temper.
i don’t think he will ever quite even though he’s promised me that he will.

Use what you pay in rent to rent elsewhere......even if house share....
If your jobs going well that can help you move on.... U just don't need this weight too.....

I didn’t say he manipulated me to move? What’s happened is we were renting, things we great then he bought this house were in and since then every time we argue he threatens to kick me out. I never thought this would be the case but sadly it is.

He's got all the power here OP and there's nothing you can do about it. He's not a nice fella, walk away, there's nothing in it for you.

But presumably you did all of that knowing he was a smoker and that he smoked in the house?

start looking for work near your family and friends and move back home for a while. He’s not a good man. What happens if you have a baby? Will he smoke around them too? He’ll always find money for weed when you may need it for other things. Walk away. There are better men but tbh I’d rather be alone than have a crap one.

He didn’t smoke in the house before. That’s the problem. It was rented so I had a right to ask him not to do it. Not it’s ’his Home’ he does it all the time.

Move out and move on. It is his house and he can do what he wants - but unless you want to spend your life living in a house where you have no say and no voice, this is not the relationship for you. The fact that he holds it over by threatening to kick you out anytime he feels like it, it abusive and unhealthy. You have a good job, find somewhere else to live and tell him where to go.

Well - ultimately, he's right. It's his house and he can do what he likes.

You've made yourself very, very vulnerable. I would move out before you get even more stuck.

I know you didn't. Somebody else did.

He's a drug addict. He isn't going to change. If he's on 'at least' six joints every day and becomes agitated and angry if he can't smoke, he's not just an ordinary recreational weed smoker who has the occasional puff at a weekend. He's seriously hooked.

Think of it like booze - if someone has a couple of beers or a bottle of wine with their dinner a couple of times a week, or gets a bit tipsy on a big night out, that's a normal drinker. But if someone starts drinking as soon as they get up in the morning and gets the shakes and cold sweats if they can't have a drink, that's someone with a really serious alcohol problem and that person cannot reasonably function normally in a relationship (or in life in general).

I appreciate that it's very hard for you to leave but honestly, you really must do everything you can to end this relationship. He's treating you appallingly and he doesn't love you. He loves weed, and nothing else. His constant threats to throw you out and his angry outbursts at you are abusive and he's wrecked your self-esteem - please, please seek some help and try to leave.

I really appreciate your wise words, thank you ❤️

For this alone never mind the weed smoking (which stinks) you need to get yourself together and move out. If that means moving completely back to where your f&f are so be it.

Don't continue to allow yourself to be treated like shit by someone who sounds like a total shit.

I know I'm not unusual in saying that someone insisting on smoking in the home I live in (or even smoking at all) would be a deal-breaker for me. But as it's his house and he's a selfish prick you can't make him stop unfortunately.

This whole relationship is a lost cause. He is not making you happy and you are not thriving in this relationship. You definitely need an exit strategy here.

Does he need your rent to pay to help pay his mortgage?

You said yourself you are not in a good place so time to plan your exit. Take back the power. He is a drug addled pot head smoking arsehole. He literally has shit for brains.
Do not let him drag you down with him. You start by walking out the door.

Leave this drug addict. He could get worse, he could lose his job, then owe money, then be harmed over debts to a drug dealer.

It is not a bad thing to be single.

OP, you are not compatible with this man, he enjoys something that you hate. You cant stop him from liking it, he cant stop you from hating it, there is no mutually acceptable compromise.
Move out. Dont tell him, just organise it and let him come home to find you gone.
If he tries to persuade you to come back it'll be because he wants someone to share the bills & the domestic work. Ignore him & move on with your life.
Seriously OP what else do you want us to tell you?

Apparently he doesn’t but I do pay quite a lot of rent so I’d assume it’s a large chunk of his mortgage payment

I absolutely hate smokers and would never be in a relationship with one, weed or nicotine. However I’ve voted YABU as it’s his house.

This man is abusing you, well he’s warming up to. You’re already isolating and he’s treating you like this.

whatever you can do to get the fuck out of this awful relationship with this awful man, do it.

asap.

he won’t ever change for the better, he will get worse, only ever worse.

So you lived and rented together for years and he smoked outside (to avoid the landlord kicking you out I guess). Now he has his own place he is smoking inside (against your wishes) and you are still paying rent to help pay his mortgage. I suspect he needs your rent more than he is letting on, especially if it is the same as when you were both renting together.

I would say this is all a complete deal breaker for a relationship, he is winning on every level and you are propping him up. Make plans to do a silent runner, ideally owing him a month's 'rent' to help you get up on your own feet.

Too bad, so sad. He shouldn’t threaten to kick you out.

Really OP: stop throwing good money after bad. Stop wasting your one precious life on this slob. Maybe he was nice once (though I doubt ut) but now that he has power over you he is showing that he is a petty tyrant and a tin pot dictator. He won’t go back to being nice to you.

Take a break. Stay with your mum/sister/whoever. Apply for some new jobs near them - unless the job in his town is really amazing, in which case honestly I'd borrow some money to enable you to move asap.

This is really urgent.

He's a nasty drug addict that is using you to pay his mortgage whist you have zero security.

You need to look at a lodger situation ASAP.

Yuk, get your ducks in a row and move on.