Making a move on DH's friend

[suspiciousqueen]

I posted previously on relationships board about my dh.

At the moment as it stands, I can't stand him, today I just lost it with him in front of the kids and then few mins later apologised to the kids and went for a walk to clear my head.
It's constantly on my mind of how he lied and hid stuff from me. I thought we were the kind of couple that would tell each other everything no matter what but obviously not.

So today I had a 'bright idea' of flirting with one of his friends when we all meet up this weekend. Just to fuck him off in all honesty.
I've always been loyal to my DH even when we were dating and his friends would give me lingering looks but I never fell for it.
I just want to give him a taste of his own medicine to show him what it feels like.

Beginning of this year he told me I can't be friends with his other group of friends cos one of his friends and I struck up a genuine friendship and he hated it. I never hid anything, told my DH everything we spoke about and it was all innocent but he nonetheless still didn't feel comfortable me talking to him so I cut ties with the friend which I was sad about.

So aibu in flirting outrageously with one of his friends this weekend?

Btw I haven't flirted with another guy in 30 years so will need help in this department!

Were you drunk when you wrote this op?

Don't embarrass yourself or the friend. I'd be mortified if someone started flirting with me in front of people, especially their own partner. You could cause a very awkward situation for other people. Just sort out your marriage, stay or leave. Don't play ridiculous games.

Very childish thing to think of doing. The whole post sound like a wind up really

It sounds very childish if I'm honest.
You have children, put them first and either work in your marriage or leave.

I've read all your replies for which I'm grateful. I know what I might do is childish but he's made me feel so unwanted for a good few years and I know i'm completely done with him, and as I haven't flirted with another guy for 30 years I know I'm going to suck at it. The friend is single so what do I have to lose?...knowing me I'll just speak with him and take it from there but it'll be nice to know if feelings are reciprocated.
And no, I won't be outrageously flirting, I couldn't even if I tried!
I'm going out this weekend with them all because I've already said no previously to many other nights out because of him and this is my only time to socialise. We will be going separately and i won't be talking to DH at all.

He's refusing to move out and saying he's staying where the kids are. Everything we do is separate once the kids go to bed. It's a relief when he goes into the office but it's on the days when he wfh and weekends where I get angrier and angrier at him.
So I need to go out to keep myself occupied.

Yesterday when I was upset and having a go at him, he started filming saying he's going to show everyone. I'm allowed to be upset and channel out my feelings but instead of him letting me do that he's stifling me and threatening me.

I'm in a shitty situation and yes I am protecting my children, yesterday was a one off. I'm never going to give him that power again. When he filmed me I knew then how much he loved it as he's the kind of guy who hates being in the wrong so he will try and do everything to turn it round on me. Think he's doing it with this situation now as he's done this in the past where he's blamed me for something so he doesn't have to blame himself.

But I know he will hate me being happy and content and just getting on in life without him. I think I just wanted to give him a final 'fuck you'

It will give your husband the chance to blame the downfall of the relationship on your inappropriate behaviour around his friends and they’ll believe him because they witnessed it. The idea is so incredibly stupid but go for it if you want to feel short term satisfaction. Long term this will cause you more harm than good, but anyway…go for it and reap what you sow.

If he does that when you're alone, what will he do when you're embarrassing him in front of his friends? I'd be very careful. Just look fabulous and let the rest take care of itself

You don't need to hit on his friend. You need to start building your own life so you can be independent. Maybe reach out to an old friend or someone new. Start to build up a small group of friends for yourself.
Hitting on one of his friends just to embarrass him does nothing for yourself, It draws in another adult to your toxic relationship. It's childish and potentially dangerous.

There's a reason everyone is saying "don't do this".

Just split up, I know you are angry and hurt and want to find a way to wound him but using another person to do it is wrong. This is beneath you. Make your plans to leave.

What are you actually hoping to achieve. It’s a nuts idea!

Please separate for the sake of your kids and your dignity.

You really shouldn’t do this. Your husband’s friend is a real person with feelings, not a side character in your drama with your husband. It’s not right to use him for revenge.

And what are the ways this could play out really? Either the friend won’t engage and you’ll be mortified and look desperate, or his will engage and you’ll have to deal with having played with someone’s feelings for the sake of getting one over your husband.

You would not be a good person if you did this.

Your husband sounds vile. I don’t blame you for hating him. You don’t have to continue living like this. You can start devotee proceedings. Divorce is difficult, but not as difficult as living with someone you hate and trying desperately to find crumbs of happiness in flirting with other people to wind him up.

Just leave. You obviously can’t stand each other.

Your idea is silly and childish. You sound like a teenage at a school dance.

If you want to ensure your kids end up as mentally damaged adults then yeah sure, do loads of the childish shit. And please don’t bother justifying it with “they’ll never see it”.

What you'll achieve by doing this is to give him more ammunition to blame you for everything. It'll probabaly create more tension and drama and potentially spill out in arguments around the kids. The thing is paying him back might feel good briefly, and having to be the mature one all the time can feel really unfair, but once you've got kids they have to be the priority and making the house they're living in more tense and more angry is going to hurt them. There's been many times I could get one over on my XH, but I know that would just end up with him being an even bigger jerk and spill over on the kids, so I dont. One of you has to act like a mature adult here or things will keep getting worse and escalating.

It's a really bad idea. Focus on splitting up with your husband.

Thing is, you’ll lose the moral high ground. He always be able to throw it at you ‘and you flirt with Dave, I can’t trust you’ etc. You’re handing him ammunition to use against you.

Please grow the hell up and just end the relationship. Why play childish games, you’re an adult. Have some dignity and look forward to a more positive future just focusing on your children and your own wellbeing instead.

Leave other people out of your mess, it's not fair on them.

Tit for tat is hardly mature behaviour and anyway, it doesn't work.

I'm never going to give him that power again.
But you are planning to give him that power again, because that's exactly what you'll achieve by flirting with his friend.

Not going to end well, h will have more ammo as a result. Have some dignity and be the better person. Divorce is the correct way to go not playing stupid games. How do you know he won't lash out at you when you get home? Of course the kids will know, he'll make sure of it because it won't quietly go away and forgotten while he brings you gifts, declares his undying love and apologises for his past behaviour.
Please don't become a potential headline on the news with your kids.

Decent flirting techniques, do's and don't's.
Do choose someone who's likely to welcome your attentions and not find them highly embarrassing and inappropriate.
Don't pick on some poor guy who's only interest in you is as his husband's wife and ruin what he thinks will be an evening with friends.
Do be prepared for a complete lack of reciprocation and for your chosen target to run from you and the socially awkward situation you have created.
Don't imagine anyone else will look a fool here but you.
Do cancel this farce of an evening and go out with a friend instead.
Dont remain in this unhappy marriage.
Do feel free to smile, chat and encourage the interest of men you meet when single.

WTAF 5128gap ? Have you read the entire thread?? I guess, it's more stir it up on your part, at the very least you are naive if you think this is remotely a good idea. Unless you are OP and name changed....

Grow up op. You’re behaving like a child. It’s your fault you have no friends, not your husbands. You let that happen. You chose to isolate yourself and were a bad friend.
If you don’t like your husband now or is he’s done something unforgivable in the marriage, then leave him.
i sincerely suspect his friend would be loyal to your husband anyway and you’ve misunderstood his previous friendly behaviour towards you.
why would your husband still be friends with someone actively into his wife and willing to act on it. He wouldn’t. If that was the case this friend would have been dumped long ago because no friend would behave like that.

Including loads of people in your drama is insane. Between that and kicking off, you are playing into his narrative that you are crazy.

No one wants to go out for dinner with a couple who aren’t speaking. It’s awkward as fuck. And attention seeking. No one wants involved in your drama. And his friends will take his side. His friends don’t want to be around you making drama. Wether it’s a response to his behaviour or not.

You aren’t protecting your children. You are creating more drama, more tension, more resentment, more hatred. Which impacts them. The fact that some parents think their relationship with the other parent doesn’t impact the children is wild.

Of course he isn’t going to leave. You aren’t leaving either. That’s why you start the divorce process. He doesn’t need to leave to do that.