Making a move on DH's friend

[suspiciousqueen]

I posted previously on relationships board about my dh.

At the moment as it stands, I can't stand him, today I just lost it with him in front of the kids and then few mins later apologised to the kids and went for a walk to clear my head.
It's constantly on my mind of how he lied and hid stuff from me. I thought we were the kind of couple that would tell each other everything no matter what but obviously not.

So today I had a 'bright idea' of flirting with one of his friends when we all meet up this weekend. Just to fuck him off in all honesty.
I've always been loyal to my DH even when we were dating and his friends would give me lingering looks but I never fell for it.
I just want to give him a taste of his own medicine to show him what it feels like.

Beginning of this year he told me I can't be friends with his other group of friends cos one of his friends and I struck up a genuine friendship and he hated it. I never hid anything, told my DH everything we spoke about and it was all innocent but he nonetheless still didn't feel comfortable me talking to him so I cut ties with the friend which I was sad about.

So aibu in flirting outrageously with one of his friends this weekend?

Btw I haven't flirted with another guy in 30 years so will need help in this department!

Oh my goodness!!! Why drag someone else into your marriage issues? Just for an ego boost and to pee your husband off!! The poor husband's friend, what a way to be treated. I understand you're angry, upset and have had your self-confidence and self-esteem eroded away, but flirting with your husband's friend is low. It doesn't matter if he has a soft spot for you or not, you will be using him. That's not a nice feeling knowing someone has used you, just for their entertainment. Any respect he may have for you, will fly out of the window. Don't play childish mind games, and especially don't drag innocent people into your marital problems. Deal with your marriage problems, either seek counselling or make an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

I really think you should just leave. Him telling you who you can and can't be friends with is controlling and you haven't said what he did to betray your trust. I'm taking a stab at flirting with some other lady. But take the high ground, don't flirt with his mate. Well at least until you have left your husband.
Whilst the kids may not be there, you lost in front of them before. How do you think this will go when he is angry at you for days for making a joke out of him with his mate.
As much as it seems like a great get back... Doing it once you've left if you feel the need to, is the better idea, for the kids.

Just to say, under the new domestic abuse laws, children are now viewed as victims in their own right if they live in a household where domestic abuse happening, even if they are not present at the time of the abuse, be it verbal, physical, sexual or coercive control. Obviously I know nothing about your situation, but where you say he has isolated you from friends it does sound like there has been some sort of cohesive control going on. I would urge you not to take this action of flirting with his friend this weekend and to speak to your GP, where I live GP surgery’s have to have a domestic abuse champion working in the practice who can signpost you to the right support. You may not think it’s affecting your children, but it probably is.

I'd hate to be your kids having to be around a pair of jerks like you two!

Grow the fuck up. Don't be the same dickhead your DH turned out to be.

If it's that bad, leave with dignity and show your kids how a grown up behaves.

Have some self respect and END THE RELATIONSHIP FIRST.

Have a couple of years being single so you know yourself again, THEN move on.

Don't play stupid childish games - grow up.

I was in a toxic relationship for 22 years but ended it before doing anything. The 3 children stayed with him. They're now thriving. Staying in the house will do serious damage to your children.

After 30 years you definitely need time on your own.

Grow up, both of you.

It's a while since I read something more childish and stupid.

This is so childish. You sound about 12 or 13 but I’m guessing that doesn’t explain the dc.

I get that you are hurt but all this is doing is making you equally culpable. As well as that you’ll look a right tit.

Just don't. It won't end well.

Social worker here. Do you realise how many children are fucked up because they are exposed to their parents acrimonious relationship and silly games. They might not be there that night but I’m sure they will live through the arguments and tension the drama will cause. Think of your children.
Your husband treated you badly. End it and move on. If you have to live together then grow up quickly. Seek support from others but ones which won’t cause drama! For you and the children. If you are done with your husband then don’t go for drinks out with him or his friends. Find new social circles if needed. Find you again!

I'm worried at how immature you sound.

Be the better person here, don't chase him to the bottom

Wheres the update?

Mive on take a reality check he isn't going to be Mr always. Dump him. Get a new life.

Your innocent kids will be stuck in the middle of whatever the outcome would be if you did such a childish thing to get back at your DH. If you are so pissed off at him then just leave him!!

When it came to it I didn't go out. I couldn't fake being nice and talkative to H in front of others.
So instead he went out, I sent the kids for a sleepover at my in-laws and had much needed alone time.

I've come to the realisation that I'm all alone. I just feel sad that who I thought was my best friend has "gone" and I have no friends. I've literally got no one irl to talk to about this or anything and it's making me so upset.

We're living in the same house and it's almost like a switch has gone off where I'm just done with it all, since I've come to this realisation I've no interest in communicating with him (only household and kids stuff). I go up once it's the kids bedtime as I don't see the point in us being downstairs when it's just us two.

It just feels shit and lonely.

Can you separate? Life does t have to be like this?
ps. Good call not going, you did the right thing!

Just split up. You are clearly unhappy and over. No need to drag others into your mess and cause drama and upset the fallout of which will affect your innocent children. Grow up and go your separate ways and work on co-parenting. Don’t let the hurt and anger poison your life. Focus on building a better happier future. No room for pettiness and games when kids are involved.

People who are separated but live in the same house do just communicate about what they need to.

You are separated. You need to start divorce proceedings. That’s when responsibility for the kids and finances will be sorted out.

It’s like you are saying you are separated but still expect it to be like you are together. It is shit getting a divorce. And it can feel lonely. But it’s better what you are doing to yourself now.

I'm so sorry. I know that feeling. Have you looked at social activities where you're based? I think you need to make a new life for yourself where you can.

Can you look into separating? What's his reasoning for essentially holding you captive?

Them do something about it. He won't as he's happy his situation. Only you can change. Act or put up.

I’m so sorry. It’s a shot situation to be in. As hard as it seems, I agree with the PP about building a new life. Are there any hobbies you’ve wanted to try or go back to? Now would be a good time to start!

How old are your kids? Sorry if I’ve missed it. There are things you can do for yourself if you feel you’re not in a place to split yet. Get your health and fitness sorted. Look at your finances. Theoretically will you get benefits? Start making plans for what you can do in the future.

I'm glad you didn't go out. Sorry you find yourself in such a shit situation. In your shoes I would start divorce proceedings, you can do this online. Then speak to a solicitor. If you get the ball rolling, it might show your H that the current living situation is untenable. I think you'll feel better when you're living apart,.and he can't rub your nose in it. You need to start building a life for yourself without him in it! Work on your health, go do some exercise classes or join a walking group. Get on Facebook and see if there are any groups near you that you could join, reading clubs for example. You could also do some volunteering etc. Anything that gets you out there. Make a plan that this time next year, you'll be living a happier life than you are now. Good luck 👍

You did the right thing by not going.
Separating is hard, do you have any family near by?

How about starting a new hobby? It would get you out, meet new people and would take your mind off things. Even the gym.

Good luck. It will get better even if it doesn't seem like it now!