Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making a move on DH's friend

278 replies

suspiciousqueen · 25/07/2024 23:53

I posted previously on relationships board about my dh.

At the moment as it stands, I can't stand him, today I just lost it with him in front of the kids and then few mins later apologised to the kids and went for a walk to clear my head.
It's constantly on my mind of how he lied and hid stuff from me. I thought we were the kind of couple that would tell each other everything no matter what but obviously not.

So today I had a 'bright idea' of flirting with one of his friends when we all meet up this weekend. Just to fuck him off in all honesty.
I've always been loyal to my DH even when we were dating and his friends would give me lingering looks but I never fell for it.
I just want to give him a taste of his own medicine to show him what it feels like.

Beginning of this year he told me I can't be friends with his other group of friends cos one of his friends and I struck up a genuine friendship and he hated it. I never hid anything, told my DH everything we spoke about and it was all innocent but he nonetheless still didn't feel comfortable me talking to him so I cut ties with the friend which I was sad about.

So aibu in flirting outrageously with one of his friends this weekend?

Btw I haven't flirted with another guy in 30 years so will need help in this department!

OP posts:
hazandduck · 26/07/2024 09:08

It is always painfully obvious when someone is trying to make another person jealous. Just don’t do it.

NotSoHotMess24 · 26/07/2024 09:09

YABU. Surely you know that already though?

MouseMama · 26/07/2024 09:13

If you don’t want to be with him just hold your head high and ask for a separation. Don’t cause drama and sabotage a co-parenting relationship by behaving like a bellend.

SoupDragon · 26/07/2024 09:13

yes I am protecting my children

No you aren't.

Stop perpetuating a toxic home environment for them and get a divorce.

BMW6 · 26/07/2024 09:14

Listen OP.

Your actions and proposed actions will only show your DH that you still love him.

The way to help yourself AND hurt your DH is to be absolutely INDIFFERENT.

Look up and learn Grey Rock technique.

Cattery · 26/07/2024 09:15

Are you both 14?

cansu · 26/07/2024 09:16

This is really immature and potentially very embarrassing.

Onelifeonly · 26/07/2024 09:18

Of course not, how ridiculous. Do as you would be done by, two wrongs don't make a right, etc etc.

SloaneStreetVandal · 26/07/2024 09:18

suspiciousqueen · 26/07/2024 06:51

I've read all your replies for which I'm grateful. I know what I might do is childish but he's made me feel so unwanted for a good few years and I know i'm completely done with him, and as I haven't flirted with another guy for 30 years I know I'm going to suck at it. The friend is single so what do I have to lose?...knowing me I'll just speak with him and take it from there but it'll be nice to know if feelings are reciprocated.
And no, I won't be outrageously flirting, I couldn't even if I tried!
I'm going out this weekend with them all because I've already said no previously to many other nights out because of him and this is my only time to socialise. We will be going separately and i won't be talking to DH at all.

He's refusing to move out and saying he's staying where the kids are. Everything we do is separate once the kids go to bed. It's a relief when he goes into the office but it's on the days when he wfh and weekends where I get angrier and angrier at him.
So I need to go out to keep myself occupied.

Yesterday when I was upset and having a go at him, he started filming saying he's going to show everyone. I'm allowed to be upset and channel out my feelings but instead of him letting me do that he's stifling me and threatening me.

I'm in a shitty situation and yes I am protecting my children, yesterday was a one off. I'm never going to give him that power again. When he filmed me I knew then how much he loved it as he's the kind of guy who hates being in the wrong so he will try and do everything to turn it round on me. Think he's doing it with this situation now as he's done this in the past where he's blamed me for something so he doesn't have to blame himself.

But I know he will hate me being happy and content and just getting on in life without him. I think I just wanted to give him a final 'fuck you'

I wouldn't even be thinking about going out this weekend, my only motivation in your situation would be the pressing need to prep and plan separation. I guess though for you this strange way of married life is the norm. It's a very sad situation all round. I hope you find the strength, and insight, to move on from it.

Pickled21 · 26/07/2024 09:18

It isn't fair to the other guy. What if he genuinely does have feelings for you? You are in a messy situation and you are about to make it worse. I feel sorry for your kids as you are both juvenile.

blueberrycherubandbump · 26/07/2024 09:19

It's not a game OP, grow up. Get counselling/therapy. You're just lowering yourself to his level. And yes it's going to damage your kids, they're your priority.

blueberrycherubandbump · 26/07/2024 09:19

And £10 says that it won't make you feel any better anyway. You'll likely just look unhinged

vivainsomnia · 26/07/2024 09:21

You are reacting exactly like men who start having affairs. The men MN can't stand, who try to justify their affairs to the lack of attention from their wives.

You might feel good about it the next day when you see your OH jealous and worried. Then the self loathing will take over.

Don't start playing games. No one ever win the game and the kids are the pawns stuck in between.

cauliflowercheeseplease · 26/07/2024 09:21

Christ who let teenagers on Mumsnet

TheNuthatch · 26/07/2024 09:22

I've just read your previous thread from a couple of weeks ago. I think you need to look into getting some therapy op.

DoIWantTo · 26/07/2024 09:24

This is just mental.

Sunshineandpool · 26/07/2024 09:25

Why don't you just break up with him if you are unhappy. If you do your plan you'll just look like a horrible person.

user1473878824 · 26/07/2024 09:26

suspiciousqueen · 26/07/2024 00:46

I just feel like I've wasted my time being loyal to him for him to just go and ruin it. I lost all my friends because of him, he was always an arse to them but because I was so in love with him I didn't call him out on it and took his side when my friends called him out on his crappy behaviour to me. Now I can see how he was isolating me. I've literally got no friends now and wasn't bothered about it at all because I had him and he was enough. I feel like such a mug.

I actually miss affection and hugs. His friend has always had a soft spot for me so I know he'll probably lap it up. And yeah I also want to hurt my DH. Want him to regret messing us up. But I am totally done with him as the trust is gone.
It's an evening out in central London so kids won't be there. We'll be having drinks. I'm going to make it fun for myself.
Anyone have any decent flirting techniques???

This has to be a joke.

What's happened is horrible. Just leave. Make a better life for you and your children. You'll make new friends.

As to the flirting: Grow the fuck up. It won't hurt your husband, it won't change him, and it might be fun for five minutes but all it's going to do is make you more miserable for lack of attention. You might be having a hard time but this is embarrassing.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 26/07/2024 09:32

The only real question worth giving your time and energy to here is: what is your plan to leave?

user1492757084 · 26/07/2024 09:35

TwattyMcFuckFace · 26/07/2024 00:53

Poor kids

Poor friend

Grow up and deal with your relationship problems properly.

This and take some serious advice and counselling.

Your DH possibly needs some mental health issues addressed. He seems to have paranoia.

Support him in seeking out some help.
Both start behaving with respect and kindness - it will be useful even if you do end up deciding to separate.

PlacidPenelope · 26/07/2024 09:40

You are going to use someone else to get back at your husband and you can't see how low that is?

If you have any self respect or integrity don't do this, don't even think about it.

user1471556818 · 26/07/2024 09:42

Saschka · 26/07/2024 00:19

If you want his friends to think you are a desperate old slapper, go for it. If you want to retain and shreds of your dignity, don’t do this.

Totally as above. If your marriage is this bad finish it. Horrible for your kids to be living in this

Branleuse · 26/07/2024 09:44

What if the friend doesn't reciprocate. How bad would it make you feel?
I think this has potential to make you feel worse than ever.
Use it as a wake up call to end your marriage. I think making a move on someone else should be later down the line.

TheHuntSyndicate · 26/07/2024 09:44

' and yes I am protecting my children, '

No you're not protecting your children. You are raising them in a toxic environment and you are deluded if you think they can't sense and feel the tensions going on.

Your juvenile attitude of tit for tat is also an extremely poor role model.

Crispsarethebestfood · 26/07/2024 09:48

If there is an ending where you don’t end up ugly-crying with make up running down your face on DH friend shoulder after drinking too much too quickly then I’d be very surprised.

What would you actually want to achieve by this? To give DH ammunition against you because you flirted with his friend? To make friend feel used and embarrassed? To make yourself look desperate and sad? Does friend have a partner?

If you don’t want to be with DH, leave. The most effective action would be to not go out with him this weekend because you don’t want to spend time with him. That’s adult, classy and doesn’t pull other people into the situation.