To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

Why on earth they want to use this as an opportunity to teach their kid about adoption rather than teaching them how to mind their own buisness and not pry is beyond me. Yanbu, you sound like a great mum, your friends sound like gossiping twats.

My DC is the same age and is well aware families come in all shapes and sizes and that's all they need to know

Tenner says their kid has overheard the parents gossiping about your DC and now they are attempting damage control. You need new friends OP if these persist in trying to find out about your DC background. Anyone with an ounce of sense understands that adoption today means an increased likelihood of a child being removed from birth parents due to neglect or abuse.

I was adopted in the early eighties and endured much speculation from kids at school about my "real" parents because their parents gossiped. Do what you feel is best for your child and take some space from these nosy grief vultures.

Very well said.

Your friends have already told their child and they are retrospectively asking for permission. That's why they're pushing it. Ordinary, sane, reasonable people wouldn't even have to ask this question.

If they really were anticipating a "why didn't you tell me that XxxIs adopted", they could quite easily say, "Because that's wasn't our information to share, it's not any of our business and it makes absolutely difference to our relationship with her". If the child kicks off about this then they have problems with their child. But none of that is anything to do with you and your girl.

I bet they haven't told their child lots of information about their own private lives... "Come her little Nosey Nelly Mummy wants to tell you about losing her virginity!" Why not....because it's none of the kids goddamn business." Weirdos.

OP, having read your updates I'm absolutely furious that these people think it's their story to tell. It's not. And especially considering your DC doesn't want this information to be shared.

There is a million different ways to explain why someone is a single parent without going into all the nitty gritty. Also, they could simply tell their DC they don't know all the details. If their DC acts upset about it in the years to come, that is one entitled person! If their DC is nice, they will understand their parents for respecting your wishes.

This is NOT about them but they act as if it is.

I was wondering that too.

How dare these people get into your private business.

Do they think that you need to tell you child personal things about them???

Jeez, they suck as friends.

I'd be very direct.
I'd ask friend outright: "Have you told your DC already and trying to cover your tracks?'

Yanbu. My dd has asked me about friends of hers who only have 1 parent. I just did as others said on this thread and told her all families are different and some kids only have 1 parent. I know more info than this but its none of my childs business and she has no need to know. I dont think your friend is doing the right thing here.

Gah! Such a tough one. My ADC is only 5 so not too much of an issue yet but I know a very close friend told their DC when we first adopted without consulting me). I think because I suddenly had a child it kind of had to happen but it did make me feel a bit funny as it was my family business going out into the world without me having any control over it. However I know that when my ADC asked about a friend at nursery having two mums and no dad I was very vague as I didn't want it to get back to the child the circumstances of their conception. I did a whole 'because they love each other and had x'. Similarly, I don't tell many people that our DC is adopted as it isn't anyone's business really and rightly or wrongly I liken it to "hi, i'm X and I'm heterosexual/gay etc..." i.e. I shouldn't have to 'out myself' about our family situation unless it is really called for or I feel a connection with someone enough to tell them.

None of their business. I would say it's your child's story and if they decide to tell the other child then they will do so in their own time.
Be clear you do not want people gossiping about your family.

Ehhh, this is so weird. You cannot control what others say about you, OP.

It’s absolutely none of their business and not up to them to be sharing that kind of detail about your family. It’s highly unreasonable of them to think they should be able to share and discuss details of your and your child’s personal life and I am mad about it on behalf of you. Why would it even be a topic of conversation!?! Stick to your guns, say no!

Your friends must be these ‘new’ parents where everything is ‘child centered’. Children are curious which is fine but sometimes they are just too damn nosey and need to be told to just mind their own business. Important teaching moment. But to be fair it doesn’t even sound like they’ve asked for this much detail.

As others have deduced I think they’ve already chatted your business and are trying to get retrospective permission. If I were you I’d keep saying ‘no’ and watch them become increasingly desperate. Time for them to also have a teaching moment that you don’t discuss other people business behind their backs.

I don’t agree with PP that you’re are keeping this a secret. You’re not, you’re respecting your child’s wishes. Your child isn’t ashamed of being adopted and loves you. What they do not want and which no child wants is to be singled out or the subject of any thoughtless or mean comments.

Children start to become very self conscious in Y2. They notice things like their parents cars, houses etc and ask questions. Your DC doesn’t want to have to deal with that right now about her own life and that is fine. Your ‘friends’ should respect this and as people who act like they are so in tune with their kids, it’s surprising they haven’t considered why your child isn’t ready to be the source of immature playground bullshit.

She probably knows these kids have been dicks to other kids and to be fair with parents who lack boundaries this could be a possibility, so she’s rightfully swerving. She can tell her friends when she’s good and ready.

I'd be prepping your child for this information getting out. I'd explain that she can't control what others do or say but she can control her own behaviour and how she reacts.

Adopter here, another who suddenly turned up with a baby while taking older dc to school. Also in a same sex relationship so pretty obvious.

But my word, adults are nosey. They want to know every little detail and they're shameless about asking in front of the child. So I too think they have already told their kids.

My adopted dd, now a teenager, is an open book. She is also hugely popular, a social queen, not a kid who gets bullied. Yet she has often been overwhelmed by how other kids barnstorm her for information, the intrusive questions they ask, the crass assumptions they make. She isn't embarrassed about being adopted (when she was little she used to proudly tell strangers "I've got three mums!") but she does hate the loss of control over her private information.

I do expect adult friends to play their part in giving adopted kids privacy and dignity, but sadly many don't.

It's not their place to tell that child, I don't know what goes through some people's heads, why would their child resent them? It's nothing to do with them.

I heard a mother talking to a young child the other day about what was going on in another families house and I really wondered why on earth this mother was explaining the stuff that she was doing to a young child, it was stuff a young child does not need to know and it would probably give the child nightmares.

Your friends need to teach their kids to mind their own business. If the kid ask how kids are created, is your friend going to demonstrate that also because kid is very curious and wanted more.

Your friend tried to ask about your DC's pre adoption circumstances in a round about way, so basically apple hasn't fallen far from the tree.

They should tell their kid that it is private, and therefore teach them a different lesson! Families don't owe you an explanation. If they want to teach their kid about all different kinds of families, they could explain divorce, IVF, adoption, etc but that would set up your daughter for being hassled into explaining. "It's private and personal" is absolutely a full answer. Your daughter has a mum who loves her and that's all anyone needs to know. Gay couples get sick of being asked how they had their kids, kids who are adopted/bought up in nontraditional families shouldn't be hassled by kids who have a traditional mum and dad for intimate details of their personal life.

Tbh you are unreasonable.
You cannot expect other people to lie to their own children to make yours feel better.

If it is obvious your child is adopted surelly others have every right to explain things in plain sight to their children.
If adoption is not obvious it is really your own fault you shared info and now expect others to cover for you.

Also, pps saying, "Well you chose to tell them..." as though you can either be in or out of the closet with adoption: No.

Adoption is a difficult process, and adopters are quite entitled to get support from their friends and family. (In fact, one of the requirements adopters have to meet is having a 'good support network'). That doesn't mean we renounce all rights to privacy. And surely no parent expects that every confidence we share with our friends will be broadcast to their children?

It's the new brand of parenting.

When I was a child no meant no because my mother said so. No other reason required. My mother said no or told me I couldn't do something that was it, just because she said so. That's how parenting should be.

Now for some reason parents feel the need to justify themselves to their children and explain to them why they can't do something and give them reasons rather than just saying they can't do something and that's it.

I've noticed it with my sister. When our mother died, I thought about saying a few words at her funeral but ultimately I couldn't do it. I knew I'd lose it and start crying and couldn't face it. My mother knew how I felt about her. So did her friends. There was no need to give a speech. I left it to the priest who did a cracking job.

Upon telling my sister this, she had the audacity to ask me what I was going to say to my 8 year old niece who might ask why I wasn't bothering to speak at granny's funeral. My sister was really concerned about how her daughter would feel about this when neither one of them was speaking at the funeral either. Why on earth would an 8 year old need her aunt to explain to her why she wasn't speaking at her grannys funeral. Why did this even enter my sisters head as an issue.

I told my sister to fuck right off and if her presumptuous 8 year old dared ask me to explain myself to her she'd get her arse handed to her (in an appropriate manner given her age).

Newsflash- you don't need to explain yourselves to children. It's fine to.tell them to mind their own business and other people's problems and families are nothing to do with them

I’m struggling to get my head around why your friends feel they need to sit their DC down to tell them your child is adopted.. I haven’t read all the comments and updates but this is absolutely not their story to tell anyone and the only person who sits their child down to tell the story is YOUR child. Honestly, some people. OP, I’m sorry you have to navigate selfish friends

Your friends aren’t friends if they are putting you in this position. It’s not their story to tell, it’s your DC’s. To tell you that they are not happy that you don’t want them to explain to their 7 year old that her friend is adopted is beyond awful and put you in a horrible position.

A 7 year old doesn’t need to know this imo. It doesn’t change anything. There are plenty of single parents out there, all they have to do is explain families aren’t all one mummy one daddy. They can look very different.

I would not continue being friends if they tell DC, I really wouldn’t