To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

I'm not sure if I could keep up the friendship if my personal life was up for discussion with a 7 yr old. We haven't told our DC that their cousin is adopted as it's not our place to say.

I think they have probably already said to much to their child. Hence the questions. Now they are trying to backtrack in the hope your child will mention it. I think it’s up to you and your child and nothing to do with them.

@Hellotoyouandyou if your DC doesn't want people to know then absolutely respect that. And ask your friend to too.

I only realised that a couple of kids from our primary school were adopted when we started talking about secondaries and their parents said they were going to schools that we weren't initially expecting - turns out they had more options open to them as they were adopted.

There are lots of reasons as to why children don't have a second parent visible and so the other DC really doesn't need to be told the truth.

At the time I posted it, the OP hadn't yet clarified that they were friends pre-adoption so I presumed OP had shared with them that her DC is adopted (i.e., the children were already around when the adult friendship began).

Why is it strange to say that if someone knows private information about you, you can't control why they do with that information? Once information is out onto the world, it can't be called back and at that point the only thing OP has control over is how she chooses to react to whatever the friends decide to do.

If they tell their DC then that is their choice, they're the parents of those particular children so it's up to them what they tell the DC (and that goes for any subject, not just this one). OP doesn't have the power to stop them from telling their DC but she can choose to equip her own DC with strategies on how to answer any probing questions and she can decide whether or not she wants to continue the friendship given that the friends know her feelings on the issue but are likely going to proceed anyway.

I think you need to point out that if they do tell their children it will cause your child, who has already been through far more than her fair share, major distress, and that maybe this outweighs a little temporary upset. You could maybe point to that they wouldn't expect you to share all their personal business with your child, e.g. that Johnny's Mummy is actually his Daddy's second wife, Mary's Dad is currently have an affair with Joe's Mum, Jessica's parents are gay, Harry's brother is so much older than him because his Mum had several miscarriages, etc etc.

"I don't see why your friends are making such a big deal over it, as if it's somehow going to make their child traumatised that your child is adopted and they haven't been sat down and told formally or something!"

I agree, this all sounds completely bonkers. I mean, one parent and blended families are almost the default these days. Surely a 7 year old is aware of this. Why would their interest be so piqued and why is it so crucial to explain to them. It's not as if the friend's child is a family member, like a cousin or something.

These people should respect your wishes. It is none of their business if your son is adopted. They sound selfish people.

@CombatBarbie

teading a thread is always a good start, at the very least the OP's posts

Your friend's 7 year old might be mature enough for their parents to say 'we don't know about (your dc) other parent, we think it's their private family information that they don't want to talk about'

I voted YABU. I don’t think the child needs to know however it’s a lesson that you cannot control the flow of information once information is given. Even in very sensitive circumstances or legal ones, people make choices that breach that.

"Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust."

The simple answer if their DC find out later is that the OP and her daughter didn't want this information shared and as "good friends" they respected that.

As an adopted person myself though, I do feel that it seems your daughter not wanting people to know perhaps needs talking through with a professional. She has obviously had a lot in her young life and perhaps feels people knowing she is adopted will remove the stability she now has, that somehow it could be taken away.

"Friends know nothing of my DC’s story prior to their adoption, though they have asked in a roundabout way a few times over the years."

I'd look more closely at your "friends" and their behaviour, seems like they are a little too nosy and trying to push you. A bit of distance from them may not be a bad thing.

Children can be very, very cruel, so I agree it's not up to them to start talking about your child being adopted. None of their business, and certainly not appropriate.

It sounds like everything has to be about their DC. I'd tell your DC to steer clear of them.

There's lots of things their seven year olds don't know. Not telling them something isn't the same as lying. Surely their parents don't give them all the details about Aunt Sandra's ongoing infertility struggles or Uncle Thomas' alcoholism or how much Lauren got in the divorce. They don't sit them down at dinner and say "mum and dads sex life hasn't been great for the last 7 years. Sometimes we feel more like housemates."

Just because it's a child, and their friend, they don't have some weird ownership over her and the right to know everything about her. Your daughter is entitled to privacy like any adult.

Also it is harder for a child. If, as an adult, you tell a coworker at lunch that you're adopted you can be pretty sure that it will be nothing more than a passing comment. You can be pretty sure you won't turn up on Monday to everyone whispering about you, asking you why your "real parents" didn't want you and questioning you intently on everything you know about your biological parents, how you feel about them and why.

And if anyone did something like that, you can bet the reaction to them would be one of absolute horror. It wouldn't be a gentle chat about how everyone's family is different and then a pat on the head because they "just want to understand".

Your daughter is not a tool to open someone's mind with or educate. It's a perfect opportunity to teach these children about how they're not entitled to information about everyone else. Instead your friends only care about their poor babies being sad that they didn't hear the exciting gossip first. Diddums.

@ExtraOnions

that's how I feel too. I don't see why it's being kept a secret. It never need to be 'a story to tell, or not' it's just a simple fact of life. I had friends that were adopted growing up, the same family had a biological daughter, it was just 'fact' no big drama. One of my godsons was adopted, no secret. Just fact, no big story.

everything is such a big drama these days.

Tell your “friends” to MTOFB.
And have them bring their kid(s) over to you if they’ve got questions about your family.

They would be better off teaching their children that not everything is their business and they are not entitled to be told everything their parents know. How your daughter came to be your daughter is no more necessary for them to know than your how they were conceived is necessary for your daughter to know.

There were a lot of single parents in DD’s primary class (god knows how much in secondary I just never saw them) it never occurred to me or to Dd to ask where another parent was.
I think the best way for your friend is to answer truthfully that the other parent of your DC don’t live with you. Why? Because not always parents live together/ families come in all shapes and sizes. Why? I have no idea. And it will be the truth as your friend actually has no idea where the other parent is atm.

Tbh your friend is over complicating simple things. I bet they are not telling their DC EVERYTHING about their past and family history. Their arguments are laughable! Their Dc would be upset!!! At 7 they should focus on simple things as playing outside, building LEGO etc etc not on gossiping about other people.

Well sometimes it's obvious...

Don't think much of your 'friends', OP. It really has zero to do with them, and yet here they are prying and trying to make it all about what their children should know about your child! Wow. Just wow.

I'd definitely be distancing myself. And perhaps sending them a link to this thread.

'because they don't have 2 parents, that's their family set-up, it is what it is and it's not for you or I to question it, not your business so stop asking'
No lies needed there...... We can wonder about things in other people's lives, but imo 7 is old enough to start learning sometimes it's just not our business. They have no right or reason to know, if they are upset later on will that's an issue to be dealt with as to why they feel their feelings trumps everyone else's even in regards to someone else's personal life/family

I agree with PPs that these parents have already told their child and are trying to cover their tracks. If not then it’s still totally unnecessary for them to tell their child. I’d been massively cooling off this friendship with people who put themselves first like this. Sorry you’re dealing with this, OP.

I think you are totally correct to respect your child’s wishes here. I have an incredibly inquisitive and perceptive 8 year old. I would be quite happy to either tell her it’s none of her business or deflect. They are going completely ott with their view that they need to overshare here. Sometimes curious children need to be told when to stop pushing and asking questions they don’t need to know the answer to. I also find that my inquisitive child can’t keep things to herself so we are also incredibly careful what we share with her as it’s likely to get back to other people.

I would be worried they have already told their child.
I would just continue honouring your DDs wishes and say to them that they should not tell their child. You need to say it firmly. And whatever you do, never tell them anything about her early life that led to adoption. I would not trust them to not tell anyone.

Do you know of a secret of theirs? If yes ask them how they would feel if you told your DD so that you did not lie to her.
And their excuse is ridiculous. They just need to say that the DC does not live with their dad, and that families vary. The reasons why is nobody elses business.