To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

I think they should respect your wishes.

But to be honest - I think the fact you have made this into something your child needs to decide whether to tell other people or not - is making me think. I tend to be in the camp of keep everything open when the child is young so they have grown up with something always being a certain way. It feels a bit like you have unintentionally set this up as a secret your child needs to keep until they decide they trust or like someone enough to share it. Secrets unfortunately are usually a secret for a reason and so tend to carry with them a sense of shame...and I would be worried that your child is wondering why them being adopted needs to be a secret.

You choose your child to be your child - there is something so so special, wonderful and precious about that it really should be projected as a sense of pride that you wanted this child so much - I personally think you should be loud and proud about the adoption rather than pitching it as a secret....but you know your family and your child the best.

My friend adopted a Chinese orphan and she looks nothing like the rest of the family so her adoption was widely known obviously. It is just beautiful to watch how loved she is and each year they visit the other chinese girls in the UK who were adopted at the same time to catch up. Her mother kept her middle name as the chinese name that she was found with.

Dont be ridiculous. Not telling their child someone else's private business is not "lying" to them. Have you told your children everything about everyone you know? Have you told them everything about you and your past? If you have them you're a worry.

This thread is not about you. I doubt you even read op's post properly if you are saying she is teaching her child it's a dirty secret.

She hasn’t taught her child to keep secrets or be ashamed of herself. She has taught her child to tell people her story when she’s good and ready.

The fact she doesn’t want to tell these kids is telling. Their family lack boundaries and she instinctively knows that her telling these kids she’s adopted will lead to more intrusive questions. In fact I wonder if this is the real reason the ‘friends’ are doing this. OP said they don’t know why her child had been put up for adoption. Perhaps the ‘friends’ are hoping the child reveals it to their nosey kids, then they have a juicy story to tell other friends at their next social gathering.

I'm hugely in favour of being honest with children but not at the expense at someone else's privacy. It's perfectly simple to say when asked why "Rachel" doesn't have a daddy to say that all families are different. If they carry on asking them they just have to say that some people like to keep certain things private and that we must respect that. My friend when I was a child was adopted from overseas when he was a baby and he told me about it when he was ready. It wasn't my business to know anything beyond what he wanted to share with me.

Yes that's fair. Trans-racial adoption, same sex couple or similar will inevitably make other DC curious sooner or later and in that scenario, the parents have a right to explain appropriately to their D.C., but they can keep it general and stress privacy- something like "when two husbands want a child, they can't be pregnant themselves so they sometimes adopt children...but it's rude to ask people about how their family was made...."

@Decompressing2

The op is following standard advice to adopters with regard to the difference between privacy and secrecy.
It's astonishing to me how vulnerable children are often seen as some sort of public property who can be gossiped about.
I wonder if the friends child had been born via fertility treatment would she want someone else to 'sit the child' down and explain that daddy didn't have any sperm of mummy's eggs were faulty.

People should also remember that adoption does not exist without trauma and loss. Adopted children will have very complex and troubled histories. The act of adoption can be very traumatic for the child. Children don't sail off into some rosy hued sunset with their wonderful self sacrificing shiny new parents.
My son sees his adoption as a very positive thing, but there remains a conflict with loyalty to his birth parents which he has struggled to come to terms with since he moved to me.
Please try to understand and respect the wishes of a child who has had a very difficult and traumatic start to life and is trying to build a new life and doesn't want to have her private business as common knowledge.

Your friends are weird!

I have friends (3 to be exact) that have adopted their child/children. Obviously I know, but have never mentioned it to my children ( who are friends with my friends' child/ren). All 3 have said that their children know they're adopted (but they're still quite young so don't know all the ins and outs) so it's not a secret but I've never felt the need to tell my children. My children have heard of adoption and fostering and know roughly what it is. If one of them found out a friend of theirs was adopted they would not be fazed by it all. Nor would they blame me for not telling them in advance. They know all families are all different, some have 1 dad, 2 mums, parents that have different skin colours, speak different languages, some families live in houses, some in flats, some don't eat meat, etc, the list is endless! But I digress, they might not know any of these facts about friends' families unless their friend mentions it! It doesn't mean I've been hiding anything from them and that they would be upset about it.

Really strange that they feel the need to tell their children about it tbh.

They are not your friends, and they clearly don't value your friendship.

Personally I would be distancing myself from them. I would explain one last time and then I would ask her to let you know what she has chosen for you child and inform her that you will need to tell the school about the whole thing to ensure your dc isn't subjected to any harmful gossip. Maybe she will think twice if others think bad of her.

And do tell the the school, they can support your child with the inevitable questioning that will come along with this.

Are you actually serious? You really think one adult shouldn’t be able to confide in another adult without them blabbing to all and sundry like a rabid parrot?

“But what about MY children? MINE? Waaaaahhh!!!!”

Grow the hell up.

Say you'll tell their kids all the truths about Santa and the tooth fairy and all the secrets you know about the parents from before they had kids!

I've see a couple of times now on this thread that adopted children are special because their prenatal chose them.

I did not choose my children. They were not lined up for me to pick the one I liked the best. We were matched by professionally trained social workers.

I am friends with lots of adoptive parents and none tell their children that they were chosen.

We tell them the truth and facts about their early life in an age appropriate way. That's how we are trained to do it in my area anyway.

Seen and parents that was meant to say.

OP - its well known in my children's primary that adopted children in their school are not allowed to be in school photos or have their face shown in plays that will be recorded. So the teachers would remove them before school photos or give them a role in a play where they can wear a costume covering their face. By the sounds of it your child was not adopted as a baby. is this avoidance of photos things at school happening to your child and one of the reasons why the other child is asking questions?

I don't think anyone thinks children are lined up and selected - I suspect is more a recognition that the adoption process is hard and the parents have chosen to put themselves through that because they really wanted a child.

The adoption is really a red flag in a way - your friends know personal family information which you have asked for them to keep private and they are telling you they are going to ignore your wishes. I'm not sure you will be able to get over this betrayal and perhaps tell them if they refuse to respect you and your child's wishes then it will be the end of the friendship and you will also be alerting the children's school so the teachers can be aware of this potentially creating a problem in the playground.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them.

This is so ridiculous. If the friends’ children have an ounce of empathy and intelligence, they will get over that supposed upset and realise why you wanted it kept private.

@Decompressing2

The op has not mentioned anything about avoiding photos.

Not all adopted children have to be protected in this way. My son was in all school photos and even on the school website.
The op has also clearly stated that the other child has asked why she only has one parent. No need to mention adoption at all.

That is not what I said.

What I said is that when you share details with other people, you no longer have control over that information. If they choose to tell other people there is nothing you can do to stop them as, once the words leave your lips, you don't have sole ownership of them any more.

What you can control is your own reactions and the strategies you use if/when these things happen.

It's a basic life lesson and one most people learn as children, I'm not sure why you're so puzzled by it.

OP cannot control what her friends tell their children, she has no right to a say in what they do with their own children. What she can control is how she reacts when they do tell their DC and she can give her child strategies to deal with any flack that might come their way.

@Decompressing2 there is no rule about adopted kids not being allowed in photos. Some parents for all sorts of varied and valid reasons ask that their children's photos are not taken or published on school websites etc.

I was fine with my DS being in photos as long as his surname wasn't published.

My DD could be in all photos and her name being published was fine too.

It all depends on their history and the parent's individual wishes.

It's a basic life lesson and one most people learn as children, I'm not sure why you're so puzzled by it.

I'm not “puzzled” by it. I just think it’s a bit shit that, if you ask a friend to keep something to themselves, they would say “Well I’m sorry, but the words have left your lips and you no longer have sole control over them”. We’re not talking about someone passing on something they overheard in the post office queue. The OP specifically asked a so-called friend to respect her child’s privacy.

I didn't say it's not shit, I'm looking at it objectively - OP cannot control what her friends do with the information, all she can control is her reactions.

Are you for real?
She told her friends. Her FRIEND!!! Then she asked to keep it in confidence.

If a friend cannot be trusted to keep their friends private business to themselves and you don't find that shocking then that tells us everything about the kind of person and friend you are.

The whole point of friends is that you care and respect the others wishes.

Are you okay? You're massively overthinking that one.