To not want friends to tell their DC that my DC is adopted

[Hellotoyouandyou]

My DC is adopted. They have always known this and know that this is their story to tell others or not. They have always chosen not to.

Close friends DC recently asked their parents personal questions about my DC and our family set up. Friends said they planned to sit their DC down and explain that my DC is adopted. I have asked them not to. I feel very protective of my DC and their right to privacy.

Friends are worried that their DC will find out later and be upset that their parents lied to them. They feel that this will break their trust. I suggested that they could just explain that all families are different and leave it at that. They are really not happy with this as their child is very inquisitive and curious and not likely to let things and will keep asking questions that they can’t answer. Both DC are 7.

AIBU to continue to ask them not to tell their DC that my DC is adopted?

thank you

A friend who didn't respect my confidence would no longer be a friend. It's a complete betrayal in my eyes. In the OP 's case, it's even worse, because the friend is betraying her child.

I get told a lot of personal stuff, because my friends know that I'm a completely safe pair of ears.

The more you make it a big deal the less normal you make it. To fair I would treat it like an everyday fact. Why the need for secrecy...

@Starzinsky the child herself does not want others to know. And other adoptive parents have said on this thread that their child has had problems when other children know because of the incessant questioning about the adoption. It is the adopted child that matters most here.

Because the child doesn’t want to tell them and it’s completely unnecessary for their children to know. People (including children) are entitled to privacy.

Think about something you consider private or personal. Would you like that broadcast to a whole load of children without your consent? What if I told you that thing you consider private/personal is no big deal? You’d rightly tell me to get lost and mind my own business.

Adoption is great but some people and some children don’t want it broadcast to all and sundry - not because they’re ashamed of it, but for any number of reasons.

More than that, what kind of hurtful questions do you think children could ask? And why the actual fuck do these parents think that they have the right to breach this confidence when all they have to do is explain that ‘Lucy’ only has a Mum and that single parent families are normal. There’s absolutely no reason for them to say anything else.

Your "friends" sound like insensitive twats, to be honest. If their DC isn't even asking about adoption, literally ANY answer will do - not least "all families are different" as you have stated. There is exactly zero need for them to go into the fact that your DC is adopted, they're just being idiots. How would they like it if you told your DC something about their DC that was none of your DC's business? I bet they'd have something to say about that. They need to grow up and respect your DC's right to privacy.

Lots of the children in my dc primary aren't allowed to be in photos. I obviously don't know the reasons but when I previously worked in primary schools there were a number of children who couldn't be in photos. A couple because they were adopted, some who had fled domestic violence and a few just because the parents didn't want their children's photos on display.

It should be enough to say everyone gets made with a mummy and a daddy but some families the mummy or the daddy decides they have to live elsewhere. Adoption shouldn't need to come into their conversation at all.

A grown up response here is that OP has no right to tell other parents what they can and can't tell their children. A grown up response here is that the OP has no right to tell other parents how to parent their children. A grown up response to your post is that most of the posters here (I am not talking about posters who are also adopted) have no idea what it is like to be adopted and no idea about the issues that follow you into adulthood, parenthood, old age - no idea - and you telling an adopted person who has lived through it to "grow up" in relation to a considered opinion (opinion, not a dictat) is not at all grown up on your part.

I honestly think most people would put their own children's needs ahead of those of their friends. And there might be more going on here than meets the eye, we don't know why the other parents want to tell their dc.

Your friends have said they want to tell their child, though, not tell other people or create speculation? And the assumption is that they will tell their child to not tell others? I went through this with my dc when they were 7, quite a few years ago, and they didn't tell anyone else, they were old enough to keep it confidential.

I am going to explain how it can be from the other side, in case this gives you insight. I went out on a social thing with dc7 with another family, a mother with 2 children, one dc was 8 and the dc 11. The 11 year old was adopted. The relationship between the mother and 11 year old was so poor it was barely transactional, there was fear, the mother thought the child was going to get violent when they were not allowed sweets, there was no affection or closeness or chatting, all day. Because I understand how adoption can be, because I was adopted and I know a lot of people who were adopted, it didn't shock me, though it did sadden me. But my dc had up to that point only seen affection and connection in the parent/child relationship and they were shocked and disturbed. The relationship between the mother and her 9 year old was completely different, there was a lot of touching and affection and joking. My child was really upset about it all and so I explained to my dc afterwards, even though it was a "secret". DC didn't tell anyone else and has not done. This was quite a few years ago.

I am not suggesting that this is a description of your relationship with your dc, but it might be that there have been differences which have upset the other child, there might be that they have noticed things or that your dc has said things. It is not necessarily as straightforward as you have said. I wouldn't distance myself, my advice FWIW is to talk more to your friends and see if they will open up a bit more about why they want to explain things to their dc. There may be things they have not yet said to you for fear of upsetting you, but which may in fact help you and your dc.

I really feel very strongly that in relation to the situation I described it would have been much better for the family if they had not kept the "secret" and if the mother had been more open to hearing advice from other parents including about how things might be from the child's perspective. Noone was able to advocate for the child, because it was all such a secret and of course as we read on MN, no one should dare try to advise an adoptive parent.

I am not suggesting that any of this relates to your situation, as I don't know and couldn't know, but it is worth the other posters here taking on board that each adoption is different, each adopted child is different, and having blanket rules about secrecy or anything else is not always the best thing for children.

How on earth does a spoilt and nosy child's demands outweigh their friends decisions?

The child doesn't need to know- they want to know and just want to be nosy.

They aren't friends if they're prepared to tell a spoilt brat instead of telling them to MTOB.

A grown up response from the OP would be a caveat that if they choose to tell their nosy children then they won't be friends anymore.

They'll never see or speak to her again in which case choose wisely about telling their nosy child. It kind of defeats the point of telling their child in that case if they then have to explain why they don't get to see them anymore.

More than a little patronising.

I explained in a previous post why sometimes the questions are not driven by nosiness but instead by seeing things which are not quite right.

Some people will be plain nosy or judgemental or bullying, of course. But some people will want to help and be capable of helping.

For some adopted children, the secrecy or privacy is the right thing. For others it ends up being too isolating. It really depends.

No one was able to advocate for the child, because it was all such a secret and of course as we read on MN, no one should dare try to advise an adoptive parent.

I’ve never seen anyone say you shouldn’t dare to advise an adoptive parent - in fact there’s a whole board where adoptive parents offer support and advice.

Possibly, or possibly OP finds out a bit more about why and they all talk more about it, and it ends up being better for all concerned.

Why would their child be upset that they didn't know? Would a child really give a shit about whether or not a mate is adopted. Sounds like your so called friend is setting her own kid up to be bothered about something he probably wouldn't even give a shit about urgh tell her to tell her kid that some people are single parents and leave it at that because that's what most people would say to a kid because it's a non issue. Actually tell her to fuck off and to stop creating issues that don't need to be an issue

If my child asks me about someone elses "private business" I will share that info if it is appropriate for childs age.
Same applies to them asking about my life.
Really don't see a point in hiding info within family.

If the parents know I would assume it to be a thing their children knew.

Is it a secret?

None of their damned business. But, like another poster, I suspect they could already have told their DC, which they had no right to imo. And adults should not be telling children the private business of other adults. They are kids and should not be privy to everything.

But if I don't know (and not told) my answer would be none of our business and assume the kid wasn't adopted. I wouldn't start guessing with my kid.

If I know a child is adopted (and not from my work of course) I wouldn't see it a secret at all. Why should I?

If parents asked me to keep adoption a secret I would of course but I don't understand the need if it is a thing known to people outside the family home.

Adopted child here. You are being unreasonable. Both children are a bit too young to understand any nuance of boundaries. There’s no shame in adopting a child or in being an adopted child, but your insistence on not having the truth told makes it seem as there’s something to be ashamed of.
it’s not just your DC’s story to tell, it’s yours too. All you’ve done is add a layer of secrets which must not be spoken of. Children pick up on this and it won’t be much longer before weird and wild stories will be put about and get out of hand.

From the age of 5 I was telling everyone that my mum and dad chose me. I was never made to feel it was something to be hidden and shameful, but I’m afraid your intransigence might make it seem that way to others.
I don’t understand your reticence at all.

Yes, I see your point.

Yanbu. And I think I would actually re think my friendship with them. Why on earth would it effect their kid and the trust between them. How bizarre. Your family set up shouldn't or needn't be a topic of conversation for anyone, let alone their DC.

People really are rude and entitled.