Parents not wanting to parent/tell their child no

[HappyWorkingMummy]

I truly want to know if I am being unreasonable here.

I have loads of experiences with my primary age children's friends and their parents where their parents don't say no to their children and I then do so.

Examples:

Their primary aged child is breaking my children's toys with intention on a play date, parent says nothing and I have to interject.

Their primary aged child is going through my handbag and my personal belongings (keys, card etc) and their parent just sits there and says nothing so I have to interject and say no and tell the child why.

We are out at a restaurant and their primary aged kid runs about all over causing other customers to look frustrated and also walks round the table we are at and starts eating my dinner from my plate with their hands and parent says nothing. I have to find a way to interject.

In shops/gift shops one primary ages child screams if he can't get what he wants and the parent just buys it for him to stop the screaming. The child now knows that screaming and refusing to leave and throwing things off shelves in shops until he gets what he wants works. When the parents are there too my partner and I just walk away with our children and wait outside after we have for what we want (if we buy anything). If it's just me/my partner without the parents there then I/we tell the child we are looking after (not our own but on a play date) to pick the items up they have thrown on the floor and make clear the child will not be getting any treats if the behaviour continues. It works and the child behaves (for a while at least) but the child's own parents never do this.

At a story time event and children are asked to sit on the rug and listen but primary aged child runs and shouts all round the room spoiling things for the other children and parents say nothing... the person running story time tells them to behave each week and looks frustrated.

I also notice that if I ask a child not to do something and they then ask their parents if they can do it, their parent will say ask X (me!). Well, I've already told them no and the parent heard that but is refusing to reinforce it and simply doesn't want to parent.

I don't want to keep having to say no to their child! I've already said no.

These are just a few small examples but I'm noticing so often. I also notice it falls into two camps in our friendship group. The first are the parents who just want an easy life and don't especially want the 'inconvenience' of their child or dealing with their child's moods and negative feelings etc and the second are the parents who think their children can do no wrong and never say no to them.

Are my partner and I horrid parents for raising our children with boundaries (their own while also respecting other peoples)?

We are surrounded by so many parents who don't say no and their child/rens' behaviour impacts negatively on our kids and us too on days out etc,

These kids are neurotypical and, anyway, it's not about the kids' behaviour here (they are kids!) but rather about the fact we have so many friends who never tell their kids no or stop and so we have to sometimes when impacting on us.

How do you deal with this situation where friends' primary aged kids are misbehaving and it's impacting you directly but their parents don't say a peep?

Also, are we too harsh with our own kids?

Should we let our children run wherever they want, let them go through friends' personal possessions, break friends' toys with intention, leave their own dinner and eat someone else's dinner in a restaurant uninvited because they decided when it arrived they wanted that more?

These are just a few examples.

It's frustrating having to repeatedly put boundaries in place with other people's children while parenting your own simply because their kids have no/few boundaries but, even more so, my partner and I are wondering if we are too strict with our children because we DO have these boundaries in place (we know it's a way not only to respect other people but for our kids to respect themselves and feel healthy and secure. No can be good sometimes!).

Would love to hear thoughts.

@JillMW is it your children who behave like this?

Avril Finch, thankfully no! And on the whole my friends children were pretty good. We were able to joke and then the naughty child would usually get a “behave yourself look” if they did not behave parent generally would take them aside. Have parents lost the art of the look?

You might not have perfect children forever….

@PippyLongTits
You sound awful too. That child sounds like they’re struggling socially to me ?? Perhaps the parents feel embarrassed because they can sense how judgemental you are about their child. Perhaps telling him off escalates his mood even more in front of your judgey eyes and they’d rather remove him from the situation and speak to him privately?

I do agree with you OP. See them sporadically...I do understand having days out and dinners with school families because it's easy but once they start approaching high school you will definitely drift and you might make non-school mum friends that you are more in agreement with!

🙄🙄🙄

Sounds like a brag post to me, but yes, some parents are useless at saying no.
However, that’s how they are choosing to do things. If you don’t like it, steer clear.
You should absolutely NOT be parenting their children for them - that’s actually crossing a natural boundary and not your place at all.

Children thrive on boundaries, boundaries that parents should set!
if you’re a parent that is like that then you’ll be pleasantly surprised that the children will probably love being around you, even when you say NO! The parents too. Even if they don’t say no in your company I’m pretty sure at home it’s a very different story.

I would never allow a child of mine to go through someone’s handbag, run around a restaurant etc and I’d be the first to tell any child to sit on their backside. Do I know parents that lack authority? Yes! Do I know parents that just want an easy life? Yes! Do I know parents that are mortified with their child/rens behaviour? Yes! I like to think of it as setting an example so keep on telling those kids no!

I’ve parented 2 step children and now 2 of my own. I’ve probably been lax in different ways with each child yet never allowed anything that you’ve described. sometimes just sometimes the no fight left in me today comes out. I’m by no means a pushover and would say I’m one of the strictest parents across all 4 of the kids yet rarely shout or have to raise my voice for anyone to listen but I sometimes don’t say no either.

i haven’t read if you’ve said if any are only children/single parents etc but that may also play a part too. All I can say is, keep being you! If you wish to disconnect with families because you just can’t bare being with unruly children then that’s completely acceptable. If you don’t, then keep being that disciplinarian but don’t sweat the small stuff.. or ask the parent to tell the child off because it’s not acceptable 😅…they’ll be horrified 😉 (been there done that!!)

I work in a primary school and can agree with you that there is a VERY large amount of parents who no longer know how to/care to, parent properly. The way that alot of the children act really shocks me. It makes it worse that I know my children are around this day in day out. We keep our boundaries at home and explain WHY we have these boundaries. When I go out with a friendship group with lots of other primary aged children, I end up leaving exhausted because of other people's kids doing stuff thats just not ok. I have high expectations of my children and their behaviour towards themselves and others and I will never see this as a bad thing. We respect our children and give them space and time to be children but also have lots of discussions as to why certain behaviours aren't acceptable. I don't understand why people wouldn't want their children to have the best start, manners are free and so is respect.

Next time you go out don’t take a bag, have keys and money in pockets so kids can’t go through your bag, if you go for food and child try’s to eat your food say to the parent oh Billy must really like scampi because he is trying to eat mine maybe you could get him some, when he is breaking your kids toys ask him if he has pennies to replace the toy when it breaks. Parents will quickly pick up on you not being happy and that your highlighting how bad the behaviour is and that you would want them to replace damaged, broken toys.
Personally I would be limiting the time spent in the company of the parents who expect you to parent their kids, these are the same parents who think school should be teaching manners and right form wrong and when their kids are brats turn round and say they didn’t learn anything at school.

There's really no need to suggest elaborate performance art. If OP uses a bag then it's just a matter of saying "don't touch my bag", "don't touch my plate". If the parents don't like it, then that helps with the longer term fix.

I don't really see this with friends and their children. Perhaps I have picked friends more aligned with me. I have am not neurotypical and have lots of family members and children in the family who aren't. We say no. I mention this because if we can say no to children who actually have genuine reasons to struggle in the extreme with emotional regulation then other people can. We also are high income so could say yes for an easy life more than most. But I purposefully say no, that's a lot of money and explain the concept of money etc as I don't want my children growing up too used to yes and finding themselves unable to provide all they want for themselves/manage with no.

I agree. This is definitely a “give me validation that I’m a perfect parent” post rather than seeking genuine advice.

Don't sed time with them, asy peasy.