Parents not wanting to parent/tell their child no

[HappyWorkingMummy]

I truly want to know if I am being unreasonable here.

I have loads of experiences with my primary age children's friends and their parents where their parents don't say no to their children and I then do so.

Examples:

Their primary aged child is breaking my children's toys with intention on a play date, parent says nothing and I have to interject.

Their primary aged child is going through my handbag and my personal belongings (keys, card etc) and their parent just sits there and says nothing so I have to interject and say no and tell the child why.

We are out at a restaurant and their primary aged kid runs about all over causing other customers to look frustrated and also walks round the table we are at and starts eating my dinner from my plate with their hands and parent says nothing. I have to find a way to interject.

In shops/gift shops one primary ages child screams if he can't get what he wants and the parent just buys it for him to stop the screaming. The child now knows that screaming and refusing to leave and throwing things off shelves in shops until he gets what he wants works. When the parents are there too my partner and I just walk away with our children and wait outside after we have for what we want (if we buy anything). If it's just me/my partner without the parents there then I/we tell the child we are looking after (not our own but on a play date) to pick the items up they have thrown on the floor and make clear the child will not be getting any treats if the behaviour continues. It works and the child behaves (for a while at least) but the child's own parents never do this.

At a story time event and children are asked to sit on the rug and listen but primary aged child runs and shouts all round the room spoiling things for the other children and parents say nothing... the person running story time tells them to behave each week and looks frustrated.

I also notice that if I ask a child not to do something and they then ask their parents if they can do it, their parent will say ask X (me!). Well, I've already told them no and the parent heard that but is refusing to reinforce it and simply doesn't want to parent.

I don't want to keep having to say no to their child! I've already said no.

These are just a few small examples but I'm noticing so often. I also notice it falls into two camps in our friendship group. The first are the parents who just want an easy life and don't especially want the 'inconvenience' of their child or dealing with their child's moods and negative feelings etc and the second are the parents who think their children can do no wrong and never say no to them.

Are my partner and I horrid parents for raising our children with boundaries (their own while also respecting other peoples)?

We are surrounded by so many parents who don't say no and their child/rens' behaviour impacts negatively on our kids and us too on days out etc,

These kids are neurotypical and, anyway, it's not about the kids' behaviour here (they are kids!) but rather about the fact we have so many friends who never tell their kids no or stop and so we have to sometimes when impacting on us.

How do you deal with this situation where friends' primary aged kids are misbehaving and it's impacting you directly but their parents don't say a peep?

Also, are we too harsh with our own kids?

Should we let our children run wherever they want, let them go through friends' personal possessions, break friends' toys with intention, leave their own dinner and eat someone else's dinner in a restaurant uninvited because they decided when it arrived they wanted that more?

These are just a few examples.

It's frustrating having to repeatedly put boundaries in place with other people's children while parenting your own simply because their kids have no/few boundaries but, even more so, my partner and I are wondering if we are too strict with our children because we DO have these boundaries in place (we know it's a way not only to respect other people but for our kids to respect themselves and feel healthy and secure. No can be good sometimes!).

Would love to hear thoughts.

I have a huge amount of contact with primary school age children as I live on a housing estate with a big number and my DC have lots of play dates at my house with neighbouring kids and school friends. We also have a big circle of family and friends with young kids.

I've not experienced what you describe at all.

I think you probably need to find better friends who parent more functionally and give a swerve to the ones whose kids are a bit out of control.

Wow this is interesting that you don't experience this with such a large number of friends.

We have a large social circle too and notice that the parents not telling their child/ren no are in the majority!

We like the parents, our kids like the kids, we don't want to break friendships, we just want to be able to have a day out without having to say no to other peoples children because the parents never do!

I would agree with you that it's really common.

I avoid spending time/being friends with people like this. I just found it too stressful.

I’ve got 3 children. The youngest 2 are still primary age.
I don’t recognise what you’re describing either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sounds to me like you are socialising with the wrong people. I have two primary school children and a pretty extensive social circle from antenatal/baby group days/nursery friends/school friends/friends from activities. We spend most weekends and holidays socialising and I could count on one hand the number of times I have experienced this from other parents. If it were to happen, lesson learnt and we do not socialise again in that particular environment eg a child breaking my child's toys would not be invited home again, only meet in the park

I think you have to accept people as they are really or just not see them.

I don't think you can change the way people parent unless they want to change.

The type of parents you are describing are, unfortunately, quite common. They are doing their children a real disservice.

If these are family members there's not much you can do about it, but if friends then try to form a different social group with more like-minded parents. Save meeting up with your old friends on child-free occasions.

Also, are we too harsh with our own kids?

Should we let our children run wherever they want, let them go through friends' personal possessions, break friends' toys with intention, leave their own dinner and eat someone else's dinner in a restaurant uninvited because they decided when it arrived they wanted that more?

🙄 How disingenuous.

Stop hanging around with these parents/children.

Your post Is very long and detailed what do you want people to say ?.because I can gaurantee most posters will say why are you mixing with such unruly children you don't have to have them in your house are you also unable to say no to your children?

Yes we do this.

The child who kept trying to break the toys at our home (among other things) has not been invited back since. That hasn't been hard to implement as we were never invited to their home anyway, ever. Again, I think this is part of the problem as their parent wanted an easy life (we made plans and arranged stuff, we cooked, we 'parented' their child - not through choice - when hanging out).

That friendship has drifted through choice because we were making all of the effort and the parents expectations were too high of us while they did nothing!

But there are other friendships that we want to maintain and want to know how to navigate telling other peoples kids no!

Just meet up without kids. I have one set of friends whose parenting I don't enjoy being around (not to do with behaviour management) and so I see them for adult time.

We find these moments stressful too but otherwise really enjoy most of the time with the parents and our kids like the kids (where this isn't the case we have distanced ourselves by just not inviting round/making plans) so want to work out how best to manoeuvre this.

But it seems we are in the minority!

I have come across a few parents like this in my time, not the majority though.

One who was just totally wet and useless in all situations, she dithered and flapped about absolutely everything, sort of person it took 5 minutes to decide what she was ordering in Starbucks. She was so utterly passive and didn't want to make decisions about anything, that she just did not intervene at all to discipline her child, anything for an easy life.

The other had had her first child without any issues and then had a long period of secondary infertility, eventually had her son. She treated him like the Messiah, the absolute miracle child which she thought she'd never have - and frequently said so. He could do whatever he liked while she just smiled indulgently. Dad tried his best but she was the one who did most of the parenting.

I agree about lack of boundaries. Watching a lot of mum friends with theirs and they are just unwilling to say no. When I've joked and asked 'who's in charge' they've often said that with their children being in nursery all week they don't want fall out on the limited time they have them so will swerve the actual boundary setting as it's too upsetting. The mums I know who are sahms don't seem to have the same reluctance and their children are better behaved. Only my experience before you lot come at me with pitchforks.

We meet with the kids because our children are friends too. We socialise together as families often.

I'm wondering more about navigating this situation and also how to put boundaries in place with other peoples kids with it causing any upset in friendships (thankfully there has been no upset this far).

You are the best parents, believe me. I've seen the 'products' of other parenting style you are describing here, and trust me when I say it - they are pathetically dim-witted. I used to work in Admissions Office in Russel group University, and oh my god, the toddlers and teenagers that I've seen vs their parents' parenting styles just explained loads to me.

Children must learn boundaries, feeling of frustration, the word NO, the appropriate behaviour in public and respect for elderly/older. And i believe you and your partner are doing exactly that.

Unfortunately this is common. Local pub has now banned children due to a few families who didn't control their children via the word no, even complaining at bar staff who did say "no you can't go behind the bar!"

They are all friends rather than family members. Our kids are in the same classes at school, they are neighbours etc so it's not simply a case of ending all friendships with people who don't tell their kids no.

We want to maintain friendships but find a way to shut down behaviour in a way that doesn't cause issues.

Oh come on OP with the wide eyed "Are my partner and I horrid parents for raising our children with boundaries (their own while also respecting other peoples)? 🥺👉👈"

😂

DB/DSIL parented in a very similar way. They split when the DC were small but then coparented well, but I think neither of them wanted to be the bad guy and tell their DC "no" to anything so the DCs wants and needs ruled the roost in both households. The way he parented split up at least one of his subsequent relationships as the DPs couldn't support his way of parenting. His DCs were academically bright and sporty but didnt understand boundaries and resisted them, and struggled at school because of this. Neither have fully fledged as adults because they don't think boundaries at any job apply to them and everything is everyone elses fault. They think the world revolves around them. It's an odd mixture of passiveness and arrogance.
It's such a shame as I remember them as such funny and happy DCs when younger but do think the lack of enforcement of basic boundaries with them when young has caused them long term difficulties.

This is exhausting!

When parents don't say no AND take issue with others who do for the sake of their kids' safety. Imagine what would happen if the child got bumped behind the bar or tripped and cut themselves on glass or whatever? The parents would likely be the first to complain!

Well you are just going to have to tell them no yourself but are you really wanting to go out in public into eateries where children are being total pests?

If you want to maintain the friendships then see the parents without their children. Also limit what you do with them, for example go to a park or playground where they can tear around and are occupied. Don't go to a restaurant where they embarrass you and don't invite them to your home if they don't respect it. If they go through your personal belongings tell them off.

This is so sad for the kids.

One of the boys has no friends aside from our children. That's because his parents allow him to get away with anything and everything and so the school children have grown to dislike him.

This is a genuine question.

We're surrounded by so much passive and/or permissive parenting In wondering if we are ogres for saying no!