Parents not wanting to parent/tell their child no

[HappyWorkingMummy]

I truly want to know if I am being unreasonable here.

I have loads of experiences with my primary age children's friends and their parents where their parents don't say no to their children and I then do so.

Examples:

Their primary aged child is breaking my children's toys with intention on a play date, parent says nothing and I have to interject.

Their primary aged child is going through my handbag and my personal belongings (keys, card etc) and their parent just sits there and says nothing so I have to interject and say no and tell the child why.

We are out at a restaurant and their primary aged kid runs about all over causing other customers to look frustrated and also walks round the table we are at and starts eating my dinner from my plate with their hands and parent says nothing. I have to find a way to interject.

In shops/gift shops one primary ages child screams if he can't get what he wants and the parent just buys it for him to stop the screaming. The child now knows that screaming and refusing to leave and throwing things off shelves in shops until he gets what he wants works. When the parents are there too my partner and I just walk away with our children and wait outside after we have for what we want (if we buy anything). If it's just me/my partner without the parents there then I/we tell the child we are looking after (not our own but on a play date) to pick the items up they have thrown on the floor and make clear the child will not be getting any treats if the behaviour continues. It works and the child behaves (for a while at least) but the child's own parents never do this.

At a story time event and children are asked to sit on the rug and listen but primary aged child runs and shouts all round the room spoiling things for the other children and parents say nothing... the person running story time tells them to behave each week and looks frustrated.

I also notice that if I ask a child not to do something and they then ask their parents if they can do it, their parent will say ask X (me!). Well, I've already told them no and the parent heard that but is refusing to reinforce it and simply doesn't want to parent.

I don't want to keep having to say no to their child! I've already said no.

These are just a few small examples but I'm noticing so often. I also notice it falls into two camps in our friendship group. The first are the parents who just want an easy life and don't especially want the 'inconvenience' of their child or dealing with their child's moods and negative feelings etc and the second are the parents who think their children can do no wrong and never say no to them.

Are my partner and I horrid parents for raising our children with boundaries (their own while also respecting other peoples)?

We are surrounded by so many parents who don't say no and their child/rens' behaviour impacts negatively on our kids and us too on days out etc,

These kids are neurotypical and, anyway, it's not about the kids' behaviour here (they are kids!) but rather about the fact we have so many friends who never tell their kids no or stop and so we have to sometimes when impacting on us.

How do you deal with this situation where friends' primary aged kids are misbehaving and it's impacting you directly but their parents don't say a peep?

Also, are we too harsh with our own kids?

Should we let our children run wherever they want, let them go through friends' personal possessions, break friends' toys with intention, leave their own dinner and eat someone else's dinner in a restaurant uninvited because they decided when it arrived they wanted that more?

These are just a few examples.

It's frustrating having to repeatedly put boundaries in place with other people's children while parenting your own simply because their kids have no/few boundaries but, even more so, my partner and I are wondering if we are too strict with our children because we DO have these boundaries in place (we know it's a way not only to respect other people but for our kids to respect themselves and feel healthy and secure. No can be good sometimes!).

Would love to hear thoughts.

You're allowed to tell these kids 'no', even if their parents can't be arsed to do it themselves.

When they're breaking your children's toys, and messing around in your handbag, OP.

Give them an age appropriate bollocking - like you would to your own kids.

Thanks for this.

We usually think so too but are starting to question ourselves when seeing so much permissiveness and wondering if too harsh.

It's also uncomfortable at times eg our kids sitting eating in restaurant and friend's kids running all over the place.

We do think it's best our kids can sit nicely but also wonder how it feels for our kids when they see their friends doing whatever they want?

We want our kids to be happy and healthy.

I had a coffee morning once where one of the children wanted to go in the garden. We were very obviously having building work done either lots of dangerous items and extremely muddy. Parent still asked if child could go out there. When I said no due to the above, she allowed him to open my cupboards and play with all my crockery - he smashed two items on the floor. No apology or offer to buy new although she did clear it up.

Thanks

We just wish their parents could be arsed/dared to say no!

🙄

What's wrong with people?!

What you've described is literally why my young niece has decided against having children. She doesn't want to fight the tide of lack of parenting today.

🤷‍♀️

I've been there, so i know it's unpleasant.

If it is the friendship with the parents you want to maintain, I would just socialise without the children until they are older.

I completely see where you are coming from and find it absolutely infuriating when parents allow their children to run riot as my children get caught up in the excitement and I have to be really firm to get them to stop. I have no issues with telling their child no in that moment but just refuse to put myself in a position where I am the default parent for all the next time we meet up

That's a real shame if that's her main/only reason.

Don't let other people out her off having kids if she wants to!

Can't speak for all kids, but as a kid i remember feeling totally embarrassed being near other kids who would get tantrums because their parents wouldn't get them something. And then if they got it because their parents wanted them to shut up, I would give my mum a look ( my mum told me) and basically never be friends with them again.

I would assume your kids understand that deep inside. Keep doing what you are doing, and you will be pleasantly surprised with the quality of friendships they will be striking themselves when older.

It's not just primary school kids. I used to work with nursery age kids and from toddler age you could work out which children were never told no.
All week was spent getting these children to accept meant no. By Friday they got it but our work was unraveled every weekend. Obviously not all the kids but quite a few.

None of my friends' or family's children behave like that, and they'd be told very quickly to behave themselves if they did.

I wouldn't want to go out with families who allow that sort of behaviour because it would ruin every outing. Perhaps you need a different friendship group.

can i clarity... is this just one parent/child or is this multiple parents and children? i'm getting the vibe that its the same parent/child each time and if thats the case, then i wouldn't be spending so much time with said parent/child if you do not like their behaviour.

what is the parent like with you when you police their child?

every parent, parents differently, just because you do it your way, does not make it wrong!

I am a secondary school teacher and think this is one if the broadest, biggest issues that causes poor behaviour. You can tell when a child has been brought up with firm boundaries.

Unfortunately I do know exactly what you mean. My youngest is at private school and I'd say the majority of parents in his year parent this way. My older two (much older) also went private but it wasn't the case back then so I do think things have changed.

Incidentally, we also have a very high proportion of only children in his year - don't mean to be controversial and I know not all 'onlys' are treated like this but at this school they are definitely indulged and never told no!

Well I worry for you if you are this easily influenced! I also thought you were either disingenuous or at least being sarcastic.

One of the reasons why I left teaching was because of parents like this. Imagine 4 or 5 poorly parented children in a class and the effect that has on the overall behaviour. And of course, their parents will support their precious little darlings, not the strict nasty teacher!

You're being rather false here OP. Surely it's one kid who went through your handbag, so you just don't see them again. It's impossible to tot up the numbers of other kids; I would guess many of the examples are the same family.

If it's just a few then find new mates. If it's everyone you come across though, then it's worth considering if you are a bit harsh In how you assess behaviour. Not every request for a toy has to be no; the child might have had their own pocket money and free range picking a toy. An overly strict parent near us described another child as "running around" when they got up and went to toilet, darkly muttering about kids waiting until the end of the meal. My own DS will go to the cafe bar area to order an extra drink or snack with a debit card to pay, maybe that looks like "running around" to you too?

Not being false you're reading the post/thread incorrectly. I made clear it's multiple other families/children who are very permissive. I'd say over 60% of our friendships are like this with permissive parenting.

If you think I'm harsh for not wanting friend's kids to rummage through my credit cards and tampons or grab half my food from my plate with their unwashed hands in a restaurant or throw things on the floor in a shop because I won't buy them everything they ask for then I appreciate your feedback

You are quite right to lay down boundaries, I would agree with others that you should meet outside. I would not have this child in my house.

he is going to grow up to be a terrible teenager! There was a post earlier about a poor lady with what sounds like feral teenagers and she was at the end of her tether. I think this boy will be joining them in due course.

My DC are secondary age and I had a little of this when they were younger. By DC3 I had become quite militant and had a one strike and you're not invited back policy. Poorly behaved kids did my head in. I had absolutely no interest in dealing with it.

I didn't think about this and don't judge based on someone being an only but some are only and some are with siblings.

The one who we never invited around again after breaking things etc does have a sibling, for example, but she is about five years older than the boy and the mother expects her to parent the child too which isn't fair in her as she's just a child too. So, my partner, me, the sister were telling the boy no at various times and the mother never has. She just sits back or stands back and seems to zone out. But this is also the case with days out eg the kids never get taken anywhere unless someone else suggests and plans a day out. It's like the mother had clocked out.

This thread is a bit silly.

You obviously do think you're firmly in the right OP. You're not interested in advice about distancing yourself from these friends or meeting up without kids.

If your friends are people you like and respect then maybe just accept that we all parent differently. If it really is a problem get some new parents who reflect your values and parenting style.

"This is a genuine question.

We're surrounded by so much passive and/or permissive parenting In wondering if we are ogres for saying no!"

I'm sorry I don't see how that can be a genuine question. Your question was whether you're horrid parents for raising your kids with boundaries. Other people's and their own boundaries.
If you were genuinely questioning this, you wouldn't have worded it this way.

Anyway, yes this type of parent sounds lazy and would be exhausting to be around.
I live on a council estate with lots of children and parents around here don't seem to have any problem telling their children "no" and it's not really something I've come across.

@Sometimeswinning not easily influenced at all (not sure how you got that from the thread considering I made clear that we do enforce boundaries while many others don't!) but rather care so much about our kids' wellbeing that we want to make sure we are doing as well as we can by them