To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

Goodness if I were your partner I would not be happy you were discussing this with your Mum, friends, an online forum...

It sounds like getting pg is a huge thing for you and he, especially with your health conditions that your are worried about may impact your ability to conceive, is teasing and messing with your mind.

He would happily welcome a baby, but doesn't actively want to try? Is he just getting off on the risk?

Doesn't sound like a healthy "agreement" with you being disappointed every month, probably getting more upset as the months go on, and him not bothered by that.

I was going to end the post wishing you luck, but not sure if a child should be brought into a relationship where both parents are not actively choosing to have one and I would be concerned on how he will react to the responsibility if he can't make a adult choice now on whether he does want to TTC.

Comments like this are why I pretty much never believe people who say they had a surprise pregnancy.

Tbh I have used this method for many years and never got pregnant from it and I did have DS (when TTC) so no infertility. I would however be more concerned about your DP kicking the can down the curb by holding off for 2 years before you emigrate (have you both actually started working on emigrating?) plus the fact that even if you do emigrate and conceive immediately you are stuck in a foreign country completely reliant on his family as a support network. It just seems you have to make all the sacrifices (wait 2 years, loosing 2 fertile years, he’s a man so it makes no difference to his fertility). I’d be more inclined to start now, it can take years to conceive, why wait?

I'm amazed how many people use the withdrawal method

Surely can't be much fun for the bloke to whip it out and come over tits /stomach /hand /tissue etx

Plus as the woman - TMI - but had this chat with friends and we all love love our partners /dh coming inside us - as often we both come together - often the woman for the 2-3 time

If whipped it out we would feel a bit unsatisfied - that's not just me but my gaggle of girls when we spoke about it a while back

It doesn't sound like a perfect situation and hedging your bets in this way could mean an actual pregnancy would be more difficult to process mentally. I just wouldn't want you to be hurt if you got pregnant and he freaked out at the reality of it. People freak out when they are actively trying so it wouldn't be unexpected.

On a more practical note, it would be worth taking a combined folic acid and vitamin d now - just in case.

Why is there a high risk she won't conceive?

I'm infertile. My sister isn't. Our birth mom isn't.

No need for my nieces to think they will have issues.

Think it’s because she’s using the withdrawal method.

I have found the withdrawal method extremely reliable. We have used it for years on and off without an unplanned pregnancy.

We are definitely quite fertile and have been able to have children. Prior to using withdrawal I fell pregnant with an IUD in, supposedly the most reliable reversible contraceptive of all! There has only been one month when we have TTC without success. I have fallen pregnant intentionally four times.

I suspect some men get carried away and lie about pulling out in time and some men for whatever reason have more pre-cum than others.

@Blondeshavemorefun that's not just me but my gaggle of girls when we spoke about it a while back

Hmm, sure this sounds exactly like what a real female would say.

No-one is saying that consent only goes one way.

It's just that the word rape (in English/Welsh/Scots/NI law) means a specific type of sexual assault, one that can only be committed by the rapist using their penis (either a natural or surgically-created one). Not a dildo, not a strap-on, not by the perpetrator receiving the victim's penis.

All those things without consent are obviously wrong, but it's just that they don't fit the definition of rape.

This

This is so odd. You've diagnosed yourself with infertility and endometriosis without anything to back it up, just because you have aunties who have had it. This is bonkers. Are you trying to push that narrative so your partner is more relaxed about using the pull out method?

What the hell are you on about? This isn't a thread to talk about your spunk fetish ffs

He either wants a child or not. If not, your ‘contraception’ is ridiculous.

It is definitely possible to get pregnant with pull out method. Have soon sex after he ejaculates first time, viable semen can be in the pre cum for round 2. Track your cycle!! Also I bet your dp's body will just decide for him, has an 'oopsie' and cums inside you. Any man that truly does not want a baby would not promise to 'take in his stride' and agree to this compromise!

How very naive

Why is it a fetish? It’s a legitimate point in this context, talking about whether it is less fun for the man, having to pull out and this poster has said it can also be less fun for the woman. Nothing fetish-y about liking that part of sex ffs.

Gotta be honest OP if you're serious then I'd recommend having conversations with him about moving forwards more productively. Why put yourself in this weird halfway house where you're wanting a baby and disappointed every month it doesn't happen because you aren't doing it properly? I have fertility concerns (and not just in a "oh I probably have this, my family have struggled etc), I actually have low progesterone and when I spoke to DP he was onboard with trying sooner than we'd originally planned. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with trying before marriage, it's what I'm doing, but we have our venue and everything booked plus I'm 34 so don't want to delay. I'd be beyond upset if DP at this stage said no we can wait 2 years.

I'd also be very dubious of your DP saying no if you genuinely have legitimate concerns. I know you say he wants to move and settle but you can absolutely do that with a baby.

Surely you can just have sex and see what happens? No pressure in terms of tracking ovulation etc, just go with the flow, just do it when you want to instead of specifically timed but at least have a conversation and be on the same page with it all. Also are you on folic acid? If you're hoping for pregnancy you really should be taking folic acid.

Fertility treatment or a 'whoops' aren't your only options though, those are the two extremes of a very wide spectrum of TTC journeys.

I have PCOS and endometrial hyperplasia as a result, that has resulted in 15 early miscarriages in 10 years. We started trying for a baby when I was 21, my beautiful son was born when I was 30.

I (obviously) completely understand the drive and desire to have a child, and how it can become all consuming when you're trying and it's not happening.

What irks me as a sufferer of infertility for a number of years about your post is this:

1. You do not have a diagnosis for endo, you just 'assume' you have it because it's in your family and you had a dodgy biosy result one time. If you do have endo and you think it's going to hurt your chances of conceiving, you'd be doing everything in your power NOW to get a diagnosis officially so that when you TTC, you've got immediate support rather than having to wait 2 years for diagnosis.
2. You havent even STARTED TTC yet and you've already decided you're going to have a hard time based on nothing but your family history. AND YET you're still not pursuing diagnosis for yourself or investigations of any kind. Madness.
3. Your partner has TOLD YOU he is not ready for a child yet, and instead of waiting 2 years (which is nothing in TTC world) you've come up with this mad 'compromise'. WTF. That's not a 'healthy' relationship. You're now both just wishing for different things to happen in an unspoken way, there's nothing healthy or communicative about that at all.

I think you're using your family history of infertility as a way to strong arm your partner into taking a risk he's not ready for. You have no evidence at all that you're infertile in anyway, so you're lying to him to get him to take risks while he's thinking you're going to struggle to get pregnant anyway, so his understanding of the risks he's taking is based on falsehoods.

You are not infertile, you are not going through a TTC/ infertility journey of any kind, You're taking the absolute piss out of a man who has been incredibly straight with you on his wishes.

Just wait until you're both ready. If you can't wait 2 years to start trying you're absolutely not ready for the absolute head fuck of early pregnancy etc, it will destroy you.

I don’t think he has the same urges as you to have a child, if he did he would not be pulling out and you’d both be trying for a baby not just one half of the couple

I think your mental health will suffer during those 2 years that you are hoping for the method to fail... You either try or don't. Why don't you try to conceive now if it is so important to you? I think it will be much better for you to understand what kind of child you will have, and what kind of support you will need before you make that big move. Emigrating with a toddler / baby doesn't add so much to the costs.

It’s contemptible because the OP and her partner have apparently agreed to have unprotected sex, but that he will withdraw before ,ejaculating. Not to using condoms. It’s a monumentally stupid ‘compromise’, obviously, but that is what they have agreed. The suggestions that the OP ‘get on top and stay there’, thereby rendering her partner unable to withdraw before he ejaculates, violates their agreement. He is having entirely unprotected sex he didn’t consent, to by means of physical coercion.

If you’re a man who can’t grasp this, then I’d suggest your thinking around consent is depressingly blurry.

I don’t disagree that this couple should be using barrier methods. I think they should be using two or three methods of contraception until they grow up enough to stop treating something as important as creating another human being who deserves to have been planned and wanted by both parents, as a matter of Vatican roulette and ‘whoopsies’ (I quote).

If the post was “get her drunk and pull off the condom when she’s not looking” that ok with you? Rape no. But it’s not even the same planet as ok.

I don't get your reply ?