To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

Hi OP,

I haven’t read the whole thread so maybe you’ve already spoken about this. You do whatever compromise you need to do, if you and your partner are happy with it, it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. Me and my husband initially stopped using any contraception but semi-avoided sex on my fertile days and it took about 8 months before I was accidentally pregnant (although we had discussed before, we would be happy if it had happened- the reason I was off contraception was because I was trying to get my body ready to start trying). I don’t have endometriosis but for various reasons that pregnancy didn’t work out and have subsequently had a couple of laparoscopy surgeries and 3 more pregnancies before getting my baby (+2 -3 years later than we hoped)

my situation was impossible to predict (ectopic pregnancies and MMC) but based on my experience, which is of course different to yours, I would say to focus on this time really understanding your fertility and getting your body ready. I saw you said you know it’s very likely you have endo- I would be insisting that this was treated before pregnancy. I saw you said there’s various reasons you haven’t been referred for that.. but if their investigations are showing that you have it and it’ll need to be treated I would certainly want to do that before starting to try, again based on my personal experience.

good luck op!

Is there a particular reason that you are waiting two years to emigrate?

You mentioned his reason is the immigration process is harder with a baby. Why? That’s not a reason. You both have passports, so surely it’s simple? Plus you’ll be married by then.

There is no such thing as the withdrawal "method". It is not a form of contraception. What you are doing is having unprotected sex.

What concerns me most is that you are saying partner and there are emigration plans. What happens if you split up and he takes said child and continues with those emigration plans? Or you emigrate, then split up and you're left in another country as a single parent, unable to leave unless you leave your child there? You're leaving yourself wide open here OP with no plan. If you're planning a marriage then get it done before having a child. If it's so low key why are you waiting until next year?

Of course there is 🙄 You are reducing your chances of getting pregnant. It is far less reliable than barrier or hormonal contraception and has a very large margin for error. But it does reduce the chance of pregnancy.

If you were receiving fertility treatment and told the Dr that your husband removed his penis from your vagina before ejaculation each time you had sex, do you think they'd just say "very good, crack on" or do you think they'd say "you are greatly reducing your chances of conceiving by doing that"? Honestly.

There is something strange about this situ. I think it’s a bit gaslighty on his part. It’s like he’s teasing you with the possibility of a baby. Not giving you a proper chance which will make you more stressed if/when it doesn’t happen. But at the same time he’s giving you a sliver of hope. It’s not good communication if it’s not leading to things being in a better place, you are, however, communicating that you aren’t on the same page.

TTC is stressful if there are factors against you (and if there aren’t I assume!!) but I’d have found it much worse if I couldn’t say to my husband ‘right I’m ovulating, I hope, let’s try twice today!’

That’s just untrue

All a bit weird. I guess you just have to get on top and not get off when he's finishing!

Some people don’t want to get married. I’ve got two children and never want to get married!

You are not the first person to say this, and it is a contemptible suggestion.

Have you even been tested for your fertility level? You are assuming a lot

do you have endometriosis or infertility? Have you gone for tests?

She said that her husband doesn’t want a baby at the moment. Her words, not mine. There’s a difference between a man not minding if he gets someone pregnant and a man who wants a child. I think a child deserves to be wanted by both parents when possible. I suspect her husband is stringing her along either way but that’s something I could be wrong about. I’m not wrong about him not wanting to have a child right now though as that’s in the OP if you read it.

I can’t believe a single reputable dr would give a woman an age to start ttc due to her aunt having endometriosis. The OP hasn’t even been diagnosed with it!

I’ve diagnosed PCOS since being a teenager and no doctor has ever said you must ttc by 19/20/ whatever specific age. It’s unscientific and terrible advice.

@EmoCourt not sure why it's contemptible. She wants a baby. If he doesn't, he should wear condoms (and I say that as a man who thinks you should take personal responsibility for contraception). OP didn't seem to want people commenting on the fact that her DP has provided ambiguous consent to conception. But he does want unprotected sex. I can assure you (again as a man) that he won't mind or feel abused.

OP…..it seems to me that your whole life is on hold…
-waiting to ‘officially’ ttc
-waiting to get married
-waiting to move to another eu country
All of which also seem to be his agenda, not yours.

@sadabouti I can assure you (again as a man) that he won't mind or feel abused.

So glad we have a man gracing us with his presence on this thread to assure us that all men won’t mind or feel abused by forced ejaculation.
Thanks for the information that men can’t be sexually assaulted, i’m sure many men and boys will feel great about your support.

If a man or woman doesn’t consent to a certain aspect of sex and are then tricked, forced or drugged to make that act happen it is sexual assault.

Maybe you could do with a refresher in consent. Until then absolutely keep your advice on what other people will not view as abuse to yourself.

You think that you have fertility issues but your not willing to speak to a doctor about this. Your not insisting on medical tests to see what what's wrong and what could be done to help you.
Meanwhile your boyfriend does not want to use condoms and is using withdrawel method. Your hoping to get pregnant doing this and think he will be happy if this happens.
You know he does not want a baby now but wants to wait 2 years until you move to another country in Europe. Your not even married yet.

To be honest it all about him and his plans but the reality is that you need to develop some backbone in this regard. He needs to be told that you may have fertility issues and you need to try for a baby now. If your not pregnant within in the next 6 months go to your doctor and insist on tests. He will need a test as well. It can take time to conceive and for tests to be done. The longer you leave things the worse the prognosis maybe for you.

I had a friend who waited a few years after getting married before having a child as they had to sort out a house and both were working on their careers. She started trying for a baby, had a few miscarriages and ended up needing IVF. She had a child at 40 and 42. This was after several years of trying, tests and IVF.
Both her and her husband wanted a family and it was very stressful time for both of them.
It would have been far harder if she wanted a baby and he was fobbing her off saying we can try later after X or y.

I would not be possibly be giving up the chance of having a baby to suit this man.

You think that you have fertility issues but your not willing to speak to a doctor about this. Your not insisting on medical tests to see what what's wrong and what could be done to help you.
Meanwhile your boyfriend does not want to use condoms and is using withdrawel method. Your hoping to get pregnant doing this and think he will be happy if this happens.
You know he does not want a baby now but wants to wait 2 years until you move to another country in Europe. Your not even married yet.

To be honest it all about him and his plans but the reality is that you need to develop some backbone in this regard. He needs to be told that you may have fertility issues and you need to try for a baby now. If your not pregnant within in the next 6 months go to your doctor and insist on tests. He will need a test as well. It can take time to conceive and for tests to be done. The longer you leave things the worse the prognosis maybe for you.

I had a friend who waited a few years after getting married before having a child as they had to sort out a house and both were working on their careers. She started trying for a baby, had a few miscarriages and ended up needing IVF. She had a child at 40 and 42. This was after several years of trying, tests and IVF.
Both her and her husband wanted a family and it was very stressful time for both of them.
It would have been far harder if she wanted a baby and he was fobbing her off saying we can try later after X or y.

I would not be possibly be giving up the chance of having a baby to suit this man.

But you can still put in those protections without being married! The OP has had numerous “what you’re considering having a baby but he hasn’t married you” posts which is clearly ridiculous!

To be fair, the op doesn’t say she has fertility issues or any diagnoses, just some family members have it.

so she needs to confirm if she does or not. Otherwise it looks like she doesn’t wish to see a doctor as if she’s told no issues she has no reason to try now.

I did the withdrawal method from 2015 to 2023 and now have been trying for a year without success.

Had sex today though and its my fertile day. At the same time having cold feet and wondering if its wise to get pregnant now but yet i have been ttc for so long and nothing has happened.

I did it for 8 years. I was 22 when i started dong the withdrawal method. And I was married.

She's not wrong. The legal definition of rape in the UK requires a penis.