To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

You cannot be ignorant of the connotation of the word "unwanted" with regards to pregnancy and babies. It does not represent the situation that OP is in. And yet you chose to use it because for some reason you (along with countless others on the thread) are determined to pointlessly colour the situation, and the OP and her DP, in your own way to suit whatever your agenda is. It's a waste of time and I don't know why people do it. All that happens is that the OP ends up defending a position she isn't even in, and isn't able to get relevant advice that actually reflects her situation.

Currently preggo with baby number 3 after a drunken withdrawal fail. Baby a surprise but a very very happy one.
I don't think I'd be deliberately trying to get pregnant by a guy who has made it pretty clear he isn't up for it right now...

i did it for 8 years but fertility clinics have told me that i need to actually TTC to qualify for treatment. 8 years of withdrawal method just doesn't cut it.

Of course you're not being unreasonable to 'hope' for something.

But you are being unreasonable in wanting different things from your family. Your partner wants to wait (does he actually want kids at all) while you want a baby now. You need to think about whether this man is right for you or if he will constantly have reasons for not actively trying.

Also, he is massively being unreasonable if he doesn't want kids yet but is relying on withdrawal method!

You both sound immature/irresponsbile and unready to start anything as serious as a family from your post.

I think there is some evidence that hormonal contraception has some benefits in terms of preserving fertility. Withdrawal is credited with bringing down the French birth rate dramatically more than a hundred years before the rest of Europe.

My close relative and her now husband did this for several years in her late twenties/ early to mid thirties. She didn’t get pregnant.
By the time she started to worry about it and went to the doctor, she couldn’t say how long they’d been tcc for because technically they had been using a method of contraception albeit a natural one. They had tests and there were fertility issues. They never managed to get pregnant and at this stage very likely never will.
OP, if I was in your situation I’d get on the same page and start tcc properly now. If you are willing to take the risk, you might as well do it properly.
I think you would be putting a lot of pressure on yourself to think you’re going to move to a new country, new job, presumably no friends/ family of your own and start tcc/ potentially get pregnant/ have a baby etc. If he’s from there, it’s not the same for him. He’s being selfish.
I’d look into what fertility treatment is available and what maternity care is like there too.

I am 31. We were using the withdrawal method since I was 22 up until last year. Never got pregnant. I have talked to doctors who said this was no indication and you only know when you TTC and then fail.

Men who want babies go all in. They don’t mumble about wanting to wait and withdraw, hoping that they don’t get their partner pregnant.

Kids deserve dads who actually -actively - want them. Women who want kids deserve co-parents who actually actively want them. Men who don’t want children deserve partners who don’t ‘hope’ unreliable contraception methods fail. I have a feeling your partner DOESNT want children but can’t be arsed with a row/the hassle, so is placating you and hoping you don’t get knocked up. You will absolutely respond to this comment with some nonsense about how you’ve discussed it at length and he’s ok with it but he’s literally telling you he isn’t ready for a kid. You just aren’t hearing him. In such an important matter, you’re either in or you’re out. He’s out.

Your life is very sad to me.

Oreganoandsage · Today 08:01

If he really wanted a child with you, he'd be agreeing right now starting TTC.

This.

Is there anything else at play here? Does he already have a child from a previous relationship?

Op you and your partner are not on the same page. You want a baby, he doesn't. Doing some half way house form of contraception that you hope will fail is strange. You need to have an honest conversation about either having proper sex (and enjoy it) or use proper contraception...

Also I don't get some of your reasoning. If you suspect fertility issues it's advantageous to start trying as soon as possible. And if you suspect fertility issues it's also advantage to get some years under your belt of TTC so that you will be eligible for fertility treatment etc..
Be honest with him Op.

Why does he think moving with baby will be so hard if he has family there etc.?

It’s clear from reading your post you and your husband have a great relationship. 😊

One thing I would think about if I was you…

1. you want a baby now
2. your partner isn’t ready yet.

Both are completely fine as you both feel differently.

So why does your partners desire not to have a baby yet trump your desire to have a baby? Especially when there is a very high risk you’ll not conceive? If you wait two years and emigrate and can’t get pregnant how easy would fertility treatment be in the country you’re emigrating to?

I hope my comments do not offend you @JambalayaFan just my thoughts 😊

Missing the point of the thread but I emigrated with a baby and it was no more expensive (or difficult) than when i did it without. Both times were very expensive and challenging🤣

but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship.

No you dont

Because, as I’ve said a dozen times, he’d quite like a baby too!

No he doesnt

honestly the reason i continued with withdrawal for 8 years was because it worked for the first year of our marriage when we were in europe. I did think of using 'proper' contraception when I moved back to the UK but didn't get on with it and withdrawal seemed to work without negative side effects and DH was fine with using it.

So it can work if you are not very fertile as DH and I evidently are. I was 22 when i started withdrawal and DH was 24.

Yeah I'm guessing withdrawal method works much better if both people want it to work though as you are both making sure withdrawing happens at correct time. However in Ops situation she wants it to fail! She's in denial

Err, her partners desire not to have a kid definitely trumps her desire to have a kid when that baby is not actually conceived yet. Consent is pretty important!

He doesn’t sound particularly clever, he should be bagging it up every single time and take some responsibility for his cock. But his no definitely trumps her yes. Jesus.

But if he wants a baby what’s the difference between now and two years?

Does he want to wait because he’s anxious about the move

OR

Is that an excuse and he doesn’t want a baby at all.

You either want a baby or not.

I was just trying to prompt the OP in to that discussion with her partner. I didn’t want to be so brutal. Clearly from the OPs reply brutal advice is not going down to well and she needs a more softer approach.

I would need the brutal truth but not everyone is like me. 😊

what part do i play in the withdrawal method though. a bit TMI but its DH who pulls out and he knows his body.

when i was agonizing about whether we should ttc, we did rhythm method for 6 months. We had always done withdrawal but with rhythm method it meant DH ejaculated in me on my non fertile days.

we weren't sure if we absolutely wanted to ttc, so thought this would ease us into it. We didn't get pregnant

Echoing other posters: this doesn't seem like a very stable situation. You may wish to consider the legal protections offered by marriage before you start a family and emigrate with someone. Or just pause of all this. Especially with someone who has clearly told you they are not ready to start a family with you.

It's quite unlikely that you'll get pregnant from this method. We used it for years and only got pregnant when we actively tried.

Surely 2nd and 4th weren’t that much of a surprise? 😆

I don’t think anyone is saying that at all; but as a matter of fact it is not statutory rape, it is a different offence.

It’s still serious sexual assault. Quite a few posters have said it’s fine, it’s what OP should do and it’s not abuse.

This makes no sense whatsoever. You think you may have fertility issues, so despite wanting a baby at some point, you want to bury your heads in the sand for a couple of years, try not to think about it, and use a half-arsed form of contraception on small chance that you end up pregnant?? This isn’t how normal, logical people who want a baby behave.

Why not just stop using any form of contraception? You don’t need to do any of the temperature testing, monitoring cycles and all that. Plenty of people get pregnant just by having regular sexual intercourse.

If you get pregnant naturally without using any form of contraception, great. If not, start monitoring cycles, going for investigations etc once you’re settled in your new country.

It doesn’t have to be this complicated.