To hope I get pregnant even though my partner withdraws?

[JambalayaFan]

Me and my partner are in a bit of a strange situation. We own our own home, plenty of savings and a very happy stable relationship. He’d like to wait a couple of years to TTC as we are considering emigrating to where his family lives in 2 years, and the emigration process will obviously be more costly with a baby. I on the other hand would like to start trying ASAP as endometriosis/infertility runs in my family on both sides (several aunties never managed to get pregnant, I have loads of lovely adopted cousins). For this reason, I experience great anxiety about any sort of contraception as I so want to become a mother and don’t want to lower the chances when it may already be a struggle.

We have a great relationship and have no trouble discussing things, and we came to a deal. Our deal was that we won’t TTC yet until he is ready but we’ll do the withdrawal method. He accepts the high risk of pregnancy and agrees if it happens we’ll keep the baby. It may seem odd to many but for us it was a fair compromise. He isn’t quite ready to TTC yet but understands I may not have the biological clock that most women do and therefore I don’t want to mess around with my fertility. I know non-hormonal contraception exists, but it’s also about not wanting to miss chances to get pregnant. I haven’t pressured him into anything, he’s welcome to use condoms if he wants but he does know my feelings on the situation and we came to this solution together. I’m sure many reading this are judging but I promise, we have a very healthy relationship. This situation has come from a lot of discussion between me and my partner. It can’t be compared to a situation where woman lies about being on the pill to get pregnant. I was honest with my partner about wanting a baby.

anyway, the reason I am posting is I am curious if anybody has gotten pregnant from the withdrawal method? If so, did he pull out last minute (so he came as soon as he pulled out and didn’t have to touch himself)? Or is he ejaculating with plenty of time to spare? Me and my partner are doing the first one. Feeling a bit disheartened because a few friends and my mother have told me they did pull-out successfully for years, which isn’t good to hear when I’m wanting it to fail!

This is a bit fucked up really.

He doesn't want to be a father right now, but he's putting his dick first, because he doesn't like ejaculating into a condom?

If you do get pregnant, it might not be the positive effect on your relationship you were hoping for.

@JambalayaFan

Your family background is more important in the decision to start trying now if you really want kids, than making life a bit easier if you decide in a few years to move.

I don't think he really understands why you need to start trying now. Ask him if the options are a baby now or no babies what would he choose??

make him realise that you (anyone) can't just have a baby 'in a couple of years' when it suits him better, life's not like that.

Young enough that most women at this age would be considered perfectly capable of getting pregnant. But old enough that it’s later than my doctor recommended me TTC with my likely endometriosis

That is absolutely not the situation.

Something about your post also irks me too. You say you've been open and honest with eachother, but have you actually told him you're hoping withdrawal fails? How are you going to feel if a pregnancy doesn't happen in those 2 years? Something tells me you're not going to be very happy about it? Is this something he knows? I for some reason doubt it looking at your OP but I hope I'm wrong.

I understand me and DP always used the pull out mentor and he wasn't ready for a baby, I was desperate. Never got pregnant until we agreed to ttc first attempt.

What a pointless answer. Why the secrecy about age?

lots of men don’t like to actively say ‘yes i want a child’ but equally are happy to naturally let it happens without without pressure

not everyone wants a big conversation

Dh was like this

Didnt what the pressure or feeling like he was trying for kids

You are TTC now

Withdrawal is not any sort of contraception

You should make this 100% clear to him today

Dd1 who is now 7 was conceived this way

This is a bit of an odd post op, have you let him into your thinking that it would be a ‘happy accident’ if it were to fail? That with a bit of a knowing look and a giggle from the pair of you is very different to you secretly being on a totally different page to him.

Yes he knows I hope for to get pregnant and he’s okay with that and we’ve agreed we’ll have it if that happens.

yes if it doesn’t happen I’ll get increasingly stressed

Mate, you don’t just assume endometriosis. You would know, and you would have been traipsing in and out of consultants for years before diagnosis. Just because relatives have it doesn’t mean you do.

Not wanting to be identified

I do have reason to believe I have it, they found menstruation blood in areas of my pelvis where it just shouldn’t have been years ago when I had an appendectomy

Yeah nobody is going to guess who you are by your age on this one. And if you are 25 or 37 the opinions will be different.

You both sound juvenile and irrational, and on completely different pages. Have you thought any of this through, the contraception/having a child thing, and the emigration thing?

And am I right in thinking you have not in fact been diagnosed with endometriosis?

This is an element of what is going on with DP. He’s a very well-educated man and knows the risks and is fine with them. I think for him he is also concerned that TTC will be stressful for me, so this is less pressure on us both.

Unless you are fully prepared and willing to raise a child on your own without support from him, YABU to be secretly hoping to get pregnant by a man you're not married to who says he's not ready for a baby yet and who plans to leave the country to go back to his family.

I have an 8 year old conceived this way, not intentional. However, we successfully used the withdrawal method to avoid pregnancy for about 10 years before this so I would say your chances are low. Especially given that I conceived on first month of actually trying for DC2, vs the 10 years for DC1.

we’re planning a lowkey civil partnership next year as we both despise weddings!

You despise weddings or the idea of being married?

If you don't hate the idea of being married why not just get married? It can just be a register office plus 2 witnesses. Job done.

What are the implications of emigrating and having a baby outside of marriage if your relationship falls apart?

I have my own reasons for wanting to go to this country independent of him! My career sector is thriving over there. It just worked out that conveniently he has family there too.

I'd bet obs and gynae care is better in Scandinavian countries than in the beleaguered NHS.

You might be better off waiting to see if you're happy with the move there, before bringing a child into the mix.

Are you 100% certain you have endometriosis, as in, diagnosed?

And certain that he won't run off to mummy and daddy over there and leave you in the lurch here if you do get pregnant?

On your last point yes I am quite certain of that.

Is it not?

So he does want a child right now?

Or he does wear condoms?

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