Son dropped out of college and secretly studied other qualification

[SharpOliveHam]

Son is 23. Very bright. Went to one of the top grammar schools in the UK. Got 100% in one of his maths A levels. But equally he leaves things to the last minute, possibly has ADD. If he’s not interested good luck getting him to do anything.

Son messed up his AS Levels (did well in one subject) and chose to leave his grammar school for the local college.

Son confessed that he messed up AGAIN at college and instead of repeating another year he actually dropped out of college and studied an Access course with a distance learning place.

He went to Edinburgh University! Paid for course with Saturday job money and birthday money. Son confesses to Dh and I he would study at the local town library. We received no letters or phone calls from the college.

I’m pleased he had the tenacity to do this but hurt he couldn’t confide in me. His siblings have been successful with academics - one is studying dentistry and the other is at Oxbridge. So assume pressure was a part of it.

I just wanted to share as I am still trying to process this. He told us he got AAB.

That’s not what I have described. Please re read thread.

OP, all your posts scream about the pressure that you put your son under. I almost stopped reading after the first paragraph of your OP because it was so obvious. You seem to think he is defined by being bright, by going to a top grammar, getting 100% in an exam you try to claim was an A Level until pulled up. And make a point of explaining how other siblings are bright.

When he failed his exam you cried. So you made it all about you. You were "worried for him"? Why? Failing an exam at age 16 or 17 is not the end of any sort of world for most people. Most parents would be sympathetic and then supportive. Were you?

I don't believe there is no pressure. It's abundantly clear you are from a family where academic success is everything. Your son opted out of the pressure by hiding what he was doing.

He didn’t pay for University himself. OP knew he was there. It was the Access course he paid for.

Is it maybe a little sad that he went to such lengths over such a long period of time because he felt he could not be honest with you? Does that maybe cause you to reflect a bit on your parenting? I am not meaning to sound harsh but you seem to be focused on him being in the wrong rather than reflecting on why he felt the need to do that.

I wasn’t trying to deceive with the 100% thing. I made it clear he had only sat AS Levels. My initial post was just poorly written.

I’ve said that I think he did what he did because he knew I was worried for him. I think he didn’t want to see me upset again.

Of course I wish he had come to me. There was a boy at his secondary school (year above) who had taken his life. He was repeating the year. So there but for the grace of God go I.

This makes no sense. Where were you / parents / other family members while he was doing all this studying, chopping and changing? Were any of you part of his life? Was he living away from home while at school, college, university?

What did you know or not know and when and how did you know if you knew whatever?

Click “See All” on any of OP’s posts. She has already done a full timeline.

Ok it seems quite simple to me. He would've been born in Aug 2000. Started access course Sept 2019 and finished it summer 2020. Started uni Sept/Oct 2020 just after he turned 20. A 4 year course would've finished May/June 2024. He will be 24 in August ( next month)

UofE accepts HE access applicants (adult returners) if they’ve had a break of 3 years from formal education, so I’m still confused about the timeline.

OP he needed to do things quietly in his own way. He didn't want to have to deal with anyone else's opinions or feelings, he just needed to work out what was right for him and get on with it. No pressure, no expectation.

It wouldn't surprise me at all if he is ND, I could completely imagine autistic DS turning up out the blue with a bombshell like this one day. Focus on the fact that he's done it on his own and got where he needed to, rather than that he deceived you - I doubt he even saw it that way, he probably just wanted to make a success of something before he felt he could tell you about it.

Accept your own role in this and move forward better and stronger. Stop with the worrying and fretting over him now, he's more than proved himself. Be proud.

OP, I think your son has shown himself to be resourceful and quietly determined. He will go far! There's nothing in your thread to suggest that you were overly focussed on academics or deliberately piling the pressure on - I suspect the pressure is just baked into his situation, having older siblings excelling and being surrounded by bright peers at grammar school going off to top unis.

The main question in your original post was why he felt he couldn't tell you, and one thing did jump out at me: the fact you cried openly when he failed. I completely understand it (I would want to cry to!) - but it sounds like HIS failure quite quickly became about YOUR distress.

This is something that has happened with my own mother all my life: every small setback or worry I have becomes a terrible source of anxiety for her. Very quickly, my own problems have to be sidelined as we all have to try to manage her emotions about it. It comes from a place of love and fear - but it's not helpful. As a child (even an adult child), you look to your parent to keep things in perspective and reassure you by opening your eyes to the wider context, so if they respond in an alarming way, it feels like confirmation that your problems are in fact really bad. The result is that I haven't shared any real problem with her since I was a teenager. I think you still have time to remedy it if you can show him going forward that his setbacks aren't the end of the world for him or for you.

@ProcrastinatorsAnonymous this is really insightful

You've been placing far too much pressure on him/your kids if he's lying about something like this. Poor fellow!

Depends on the programme of study..... I work there. It's about contextualised admissions.

What context would apply here, to a student from what op describes as a top grammar school?

Your post has resonated with me. Definitely something I will explore and hopefully address.

My role isn't directly in Admissions, but generally, that team would look at things like grade profile (so, what was studied, and the outcomes), School attended, first in family to go to Uni, home postcode, etc.
There are usually a small percentage of places kept for applicants coming from Access courses/non-standard routes.
I couldn't comment about how the student would have gotten onto the Access course.

Given this student would have been admitted in Sept 2020 (if just graduated now), remember that admissions were crazy, because all grades were done on estimates......

I understand that. I also know that being eligible for a Flag and with appropriate predicted grades doesn’t guarantee you an offer.

I’m just quite surprised that someone that flunked out of a ‘top grammar’ and then dropped out of FE college got a place, as they wouldn’t qualify as an adult returner at 19.

Although not being a home student could count in their favour.

So he had the benefit of going to a private school, being put in a year group lower this chronological age, despite having 2 bashes at it failed year 12 twice? Then having done some 1 year access course, is admitted to an oversubscribed University?
I can only imagine he did some unpopular waste-of-time humanities course?

When you put it like that it’s quite astonishing. Wouldn’t every failing student just do access courses if it was that easy?

(but as a Scottish languages graduate I do take issue with the idea that humanities courses at Edinburgh are “a waste of time”)

When you put it like that it’s quite astonishing. Wouldn’t every failing student just do access courses if it was that easy?
Yes, but I really suspect that's not actually how it works.

Better than what my friend did when we were young – he didn’t do well enough in his A Levels to meet the conditions of his uni offer, didn’t tell his parents and ‘went off to uni’ when he was really just slinking around the country, taking odd jobs and sleeping on mates’ sofas for a couple of years. He finally came clean, did get a degree in the end and now works in tech.

As he's been an adult for the whole duration of the timeline you gave us, perhaps he just felt that he wanted you to keep your nose out of his education and career plans and lying to you was the best way to stop you from getting involved.

I think it's quite telling that you're saying 'We received no letters or phone calls from the college' as if that's something you would have expected to receive. Why on earth would you expect a college to be phoning/writing to the parents of an adult?

I wonder how exactly it did work in this case though?