Son dropped out of college and secretly studied other qualification

[SharpOliveHam]

Son is 23. Very bright. Went to one of the top grammar schools in the UK. Got 100% in one of his maths A levels. But equally he leaves things to the last minute, possibly has ADD. If he’s not interested good luck getting him to do anything.

Son messed up his AS Levels (did well in one subject) and chose to leave his grammar school for the local college.

Son confessed that he messed up AGAIN at college and instead of repeating another year he actually dropped out of college and studied an Access course with a distance learning place.

He went to Edinburgh University! Paid for course with Saturday job money and birthday money. Son confesses to Dh and I he would study at the local town library. We received no letters or phone calls from the college.

I’m pleased he had the tenacity to do this but hurt he couldn’t confide in me. His siblings have been successful with academics - one is studying dentistry and the other is at Oxbridge. So assume pressure was a part of it.

I just wanted to share as I am still trying to process this. He told us he got AAB.

Why would you have received letters or emails from the college?

But what did you think he had been doing all the time he was at uni? And how did he pay for it? Even in Scotland surely you have to pay for something?!!

He faked going into sit his A2s. Dh/I would drop him at station.

He obviously couldn't cope with telling you he'd failed at the second year at college. How did you react when he admitted to you that he'd failed the first? That's probably the key here. If it was with anger or obvious disappointment, then it's perhaps no surprise that he couldn't cope with telling you and did the access course secretly instead.

It must have been very hard for him actually, constantly terrified you'd find out (hence the rushing to the letterbox etc).

Actually this is a funny story. One of his siblings looked up the exam schedule and questioned him as to why he was not up late studying. I think he told us he felt prepared and we just believe him. He was always in his computer -

I think this probably says more about you as a parent than him as a person. He was young, he was clearly frightened. I would reflect on what would make him feel that way if I were you.

And did he fake a results slip too?
Guess he didn't, because you don't mention that.
Have you never seen any actual exam results for any of your children...?

Interesting to know that you can get into the Uni of Edinburgh with an access to HE course as a 19 yr old.

He also got an offer from UCL, Bristol and Liverpool

I failed my whole uni degree and hid some parts of it from my father because I know him. But anyway, I am getting close to the golden age, never have spend a single night on the street or gone hungry. Don't live on benefits either, have a job, life rolled on.

Isn't it just! Considering I was predicted (and achieved) 3 As at A level and was point blank knocked back

This 100% says more about you than him and you desperately need to reflect on this.
Maybe offer to pay for some therapy!

Well done to him. In a couple of post you have compared him to his siblings and the paths they took. He is his own person, maybe start reflecting on that as a reason he hasn't told you.

Meh, probably OK years ago. In 2024 a lot of parents have to contribute so are completely entitled to be cross at having poured thousands down the drain.

Anyway OP he was young, he did something silly, made up for it, it's all over now. Nothing can be gained from ruminating

And who knows? In some strange way the pressure might have been the kick up the arse he needed and made him actually apply himself. I'm not discounting the ADD, I have it too and some things just make me spring into action.

He could have admitted he failed, spiralled into depression/failed to launch and stayed home on benefits/etc so count yourself lucky that hasn't happened

All's well that ends well.

I think I'm beginning to see the problem here, the fact you remember the minutae of your kids academics years later and compare them (!) (details that are only ever used to brag I.e. offers held, institutions attended, disciplines studied) gives me the impression you're quite hung up on what is "good" and what isn't. Which translates as huge, huge pressure to a 19 year old

I could be wrong but if I'm not, in your sons shoes I'd have been fucking bricking it telling you too, and likewise would have delayed telling you.

Have a long period of reflection as to why you think he felt unable to share this with you

I think you should be proud he found his own path and has a first class degree!

If he’s from a family of high achievers that may explain the deceit. I wouldn’t be too troubled by that, just sad he felt the need to hide it.

He obviously didn't feel he could tell you....and didn't feel secure in your support. It's deception yes.... But really I'd be asking myself why he felt he had to decieve you.....

Not so long ago I had two 3 day a week jobs shoehorned into a five day week. ( it was hard for lots of reasons not to do with this post).
I worked late most days, not finishing till 7pm or later. By 5.30 pm all the women had left. I’m assuming they had children and husbands to feed. Or like me they had to call at the supermarket on the way home to collect groceries for such feeding.
Every evening there’d be a group of men in the office staying late. However they weren’t working. They were chatting, making coffee, discussing their hobbies or visiting the on site gym. At 7.30 they’d leave to go home. Safe in the knowledge that the children would be in bed and the dinner would be made. They made no secret of the fact that they were avoiding going home until they could do so without having to do domestic duties.

You have to be 21 to do an access course. Sorry this doesn’t make any sense at all

Maybe he lied about his age? 😉

Deception or self protection?

Tbh I’d feel bad that he couldn’t tell me at the time and proud of him that he forged his own path. I am guessing, esp if he has ADD, that he couldn’t cope with a big 6th form and was over stimulated and having you and DH fussing over him when he dropped out was too much for him to bear, so he went to the library and studied. Many would have been in the skate park and dabbling in drugs. (I have an ADHD/ASD child who has fluffed 6th form and failed to study online A Levels, at huge expense and conflict at home… but now going back to do an access course at the local tech.)

It sounds like he’s a resourceful and self-sufficient lad who got himself into a bit of a mess, but then sorted it out on his own - which probably helped him achieve it and helped shaped him in ways that led to that first class pass. Yep, I’d be blown away with pride and let the ‘deception’ stuff pass.

Only because we discussed it at the weekend. I remember because his siblings went to one and another is our hometown

Agree. I can’t even remember which offers I had for myself but didn’t take on!

Plus let’s face it, the offers could be equally BS anyway.

He was clearly scared of your reaction. Rather than focusing on how awful he was to lie to you, focus on WHY

I’m not sure of the details on this. He is an August baby (premature) we put hin in the year below as we did not want him to struggle. I’m not sure when he signed up for the course but if it was after Aug he would have been 19