Son dropped out of college and secretly studied other qualification

[SharpOliveHam]

Son is 23. Very bright. Went to one of the top grammar schools in the UK. Got 100% in one of his maths A levels. But equally he leaves things to the last minute, possibly has ADD. If he’s not interested good luck getting him to do anything.

Son messed up his AS Levels (did well in one subject) and chose to leave his grammar school for the local college.

Son confessed that he messed up AGAIN at college and instead of repeating another year he actually dropped out of college and studied an Access course with a distance learning place.

He went to Edinburgh University! Paid for course with Saturday job money and birthday money. Son confesses to Dh and I he would study at the local town library. We received no letters or phone calls from the college.

I’m pleased he had the tenacity to do this but hurt he couldn’t confide in me. His siblings have been successful with academics - one is studying dentistry and the other is at Oxbridge. So assume pressure was a part of it.

I just wanted to share as I am still trying to process this. He told us he got AAB.

I am really struggling to understand the timeline.

@SharpOliveHam Have you known he was at Edinburgh uni these past 4 years? Did you know from when he started first year?

Lots of sanctimony pouring in, implying OP's hyper authoritarian parental style drove him into secrecy. So authoritarian in fact that it didn't occur to OP to check certain results/details. Having high achieving older siblings exerts its own pressure. And maybe he was just frustrated with himself for cocking up once too often and just resolved to handle it himself. The lie itself spurred him on to succeed - having plunged himself so deep into the lie, failure at that point was simply not an option. I suspect his secrecy has much more to do with him finding his own path to motivation than with you. Have you had a chat with him?

Well that’s my maths too.

So you can do an access when you turn 19, which takes a year? And then a UofE degree takes 4 years? And the DS is 23?

Can’t see you getting 2nd year entry on an access course.

This. I'd be incredibly sad if down the line my daughter felt she couldn't tell me what was happening in her life.

This would really bother me and I would wonder what else was true and a lie. It's really sad that he felt unable to share what he was going through with anyone from his family and reflect on the kind of environment he grew up in and it's sounds intense.

Sounds as though he has tough footsteps to follow and was embrassed of his choices/actions. He's looking for validation from his parents...that he is good enough! Which he absolutely is, he failed yet put it right by his own doing. If he was mine I'd be proud.

How did you put him int he year below? My august born son was premature 19 years ago, and I was told it wasn’t allowed.
Also, which A level did he get 100% in, given that he didn’t do any A levels?

Good for him for taking control of his life.
Sounds like he was trying to break free and do his A Levels his own way. That is a massive thing at his age.
I'd be praising him 💯 for his achievements

Does anyone else not have a fucking clue what the problem is here?

😮😮
I’m intrigued! How did they react? Did uni staff end up telling his parents?!

Why would you ask to see the slip if you believe your kid? And If he had the ability to work out going to the library and signing himself up then he could just as easily lie about timetables. Colleges don’t tell parents these things as young people are adults.

Me. I don’t understand the fuss.

He's 23 and has proved he can do it without you. Time to let go ?

What a horrible comment.

I think you need to look at yourself to why your son didn't feel comfortable telling you. Do you put a lot of pressure on him and/or make a big deal out of education. He's done really well I hope you've told him how proud you are of him

Am I the only one that can see why the OP is upset ?? I’m sure she’s really proud of him for graduating from a top uni, and getting there in the end. But it’s the level of deception. Making up results and celebrating, having his dad give him lifts to where he was ‘taking his A levels’ … I would be upset as well, as I do not like lying and expect my children to be honest with me… especially when part of the expense and time he’s taken up has been on his parents. I would of course question why he had felt the need to lie, and would feel I had done something wrong myself. But it’s upsetting however you look at it. That level of deception takes some doing.

He could be 24 before end of August. Would work then

I think it makes sense what he did as he probably didn't want to be seen as as flippant or indecisive. It can be hard when we think 'oh look at mums expression, she maybe thinks I'll screw this course up too'. It can make us lose heart when we're trying to be brave. Worrying what others think of us. He was wise not to risk that.

I can’t say I feel like I overtly pressured son in terms of academics. Dh and I took an off hands approach after the age of 14.

I think that pressure came from the fact that his siblings did well. I didn’t scream at him when he failed AS Levels, I cried as I was worried for him. But we came up with a plan for him to get back on track (college etc).

I think DS did was he did as he didn’t want to put me through the wringer again. It’s astonishing that it never came out.

The only thing I remember being odd is the fact DS would race for the post and he stopped begging for lifts to college. We assumed this was due to his girlfriend and wanting to travel with her on the train.

He will be

Yes the scale of the deception is what is shocking.

We just told his school we wanted to put him in the year below (private). No problem at all.

He didn’t get 100% in an A Level. I worded that poorly. I just recall knowing he had got full marks in one of his maths AS Level exams. Whilst getting Us and Da in everything else

I'm impressed that he paid for the university course himself using his saturday job money and birthday money.

4 years at just under £10k plus maintenance/rent which is about £10k a year means he shelled out circa £80k for university.

I'd like that kind of birthday money.

I thought you said it was a grammar

Private nursery and primary, grammar for secondary.