If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

I don’t think the two things are related.

They are my parents; they raised me. I love them. If I can help them, I will.

Childcare has nothing to do with it.

What you're talking about isn't a caring tit for tat like your thread title describes. If close relatives take no interest in your children, it's not surprising if you end up somewhat estranged.

I think that's reasonable OP. My grandma never helped out with me and my brother, even when my mum was recovering from a serious operation and my dad was trying to look after her and two kids while working full time. It definitely affected my mum's attitude towards caring for her in her old age, not surprisingly IMO. Whereas my parents helped me so much when I had young DC, and I'll be happy to return the love.

I just don’t think the two things are related. I’ll help care for my parents when the time comes because they’re my parents, I love them, they raised me. They have very little meaningful relationship with my kids but that won’t stop me from caring for them.

My Grandparents never paid much attention to us as children and were very selfish. They're now expecting my DM to give up work in order to care for them in their old age. This isn't something she's willing to do due to their previous behaviour.

It's not about childcare, it's about their overall behaviour.

You are not a monster and continue not volunteering and being able to say no.

Agree that’s it about overall attitude. This exhibits itself though lack of childcare etc, but underneath it all, the root cause is selfishness/ self centredness

You are not a monster. They are reaping the consequences of their behaviour.

I absolutely will be helping my dad if he needs it, even though he hasn't helped with childcare. Because he raised me. So if there's any thing to be 'owed', (there isn't in my book), he's already earnt it via me. I don't expect him to do two lots of child rearing in return for one lot of my healing. Yabu.

I don't think you even mean childcare do you op? I think you just mean having a general interest and being a part of their grandchildrens lives.

My own parents are dead but would have been involved grandparents I'm sure. My mil is totally disinterested. I wouldn't go massively out of my way in all honesty.

Yanbu

I don’t have kids but I still cared for my parents because they cared for me. They won’t be able to care for any kids I have because they’re now dead.

If they moved to another country they can’t expect much help, if you moved from them I don’t see how they were supposed to help you anyway.

Did they not care for you at all when you were small OP?

You reap what you sow with your kids. With an overall attitude like that, I'd be telling them to sling their hook as well.

There will be someone who'll come along telling you to be grateful you have your parents like, because theirs died. You can ignore the emotional blackmail.

You can’t give any physical support anyway if they live in another country

This is what you're meant to do. Look after your children.

As for caring for elderly parents I do think how they treat you as an adult and their grandchildren plays a huge part in how much you do.

Huh? They've raised you. You want a 2:1 care ratio with them?

Also - how old are your dc op and how old are you?
Mine are teenagers now and I am 50 and I'm pretty knackered tbh, no where near the energy and vigour I had for childcare when I was a sprightly 40 yr old only a few (the easy first 12 years) in to child care.
Maybe they're already there, or maybe see what tune you sing once you e raised your dc to adulthood first.

I’d feel the same as you. Being there for each other in times of need is reciprocal.

My parents would absolutely not want me to put my life on hold to care for them, just as they didn’t directly care for my grandparents.

Mother in law, however, paused (ruined) her life from age 59-76 to care full time for her mother, and has since been too old and exhausted to do anything nice for herself. Nope, not happening here, sorry.

They’re not related except to the extent a lack of interest in grandchildren might display general selfishness, lack of care or concern for a child etc which might have already impacted the relationship.

I never wanted my parents to spend time with dd as they’re not nice people (awful racist, xenophobic, views, bigoted in just about every way, no empathy for the less fortunate etc) and weren’t loving, caring parents.

I pretty much left home at 18 and was financially independent at 20. I’ve no intention of looking after them and don’t really keep in touch. They’re financially secure so can pay for their own care.

i agree to the extent that it relates to the dynamic of your own relationship with your parents. If you feel they didn’t care much and their attitude to their grandchildren further illustrates that then it’s part of the whole familial dynamic and of course you can say “fuck that” if that’s that case.

I'm struggling with this atm.
My mother was not a good mother and is not a good grandmother either.
However, she expects me to run around after her.
It's infuriating.

IME my friends with the most useless husbands have been the most upset about lack of help from their mothers (never fathers) and the useless husband has tended to encourage this feeling to deflect attention from his uselessness.

In your situation I can understand your reluctance. They moved away, showed little interest in your young family, lived their lives while you lived yours and are now surprised you have little time for them.

It isn't to do with childcare. My parents would have but I moved away and it wasn't easy for them to have that option but they showed constant interest in me and the children. When they visited they were full on grandparents. They visited us frequently all while the children grew up. My mum died last year but my children were as devastated as me because they had such a close bond. I looked after my mum and I look after my dad (cancer diagnosis) because they cared for me and then my children as much as they could through the years.

You reap what you sow....

Let them get on with their life......

You get on with yours, which doesn't include their care.

I can see how a lack of interest in your children would exacerbate any bad feelings you had towards your parents.

I wouldn't be going out of my way to help in this circumstance. We're they good parents to you? X