If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

Did you even read the OP, never mind her replies? These are not loving parents that OP describes.

Id refuse to help too
They havent shown an interest in both you and your kids life, so why should you show an interest in caring for them

Not to mention, they live in another country, what do they expect, you to move to that country?

Your parents appear to have been abusive towards you as well. Which is quite the drip feed. And you don't appear to be looking for childcare as much as some interest in your DC.
So no, you don't need to give them care.

Generally, though, I find the views on this thread odd. Seems like parents need to give two sets of care to qualify for any reciprocal care.Though some say they just need to show interest in GC, but interest not defined. Personally I am tired, given parenting these days continues until DC are 30, and I will sort out my own care rather than offer any regular childcare. I have earned my rest.

"Privileged"? Not at all. They deprived you of some basics: feeling loved. It all boils down to this. And it's awful being in foster care and being sent away to boarding school so young! They can wipe their own arses or pay someone to do it

I used to know a matron of a nursing home and we were talking about how lonely some of her patients were. She said that in her experience it was often a case of the types of parent they had been. You can’t treat your kids with distain when they’re young and expect them to look after you when you’re old and lonely.

I wouldn't expect childcare, I think if you choose to have kids they're your responsibility.

But the lack of basic interest in your life and family, lack of supportive behaviour, suggests a bigger problem, and I'm not surprised you now don't feel a desire to now help out in their life.

That is what all parents owe their children.

Sorry haven't RTFT, so are you going to be proving childcare to your kids OP? I feel if your parents do a good job for you, then you look after them. That's fair.

Yes, and usually if you've done it right they in turn will reciprocate. I don't think they should have to do it twice though.

I’m not a raving antinatalist or anything - I love kids and want to have lots of my own. However, the reasons I want to have children are entirely for myself and my husband, I don’t delude myself into thinking I’m going to doing some amazing altruistic thing in birthing and raising children that I decided to have. You don’t bank any credits as a parent for raising your own children.

Of course I wouldn’t say you shouldn’t care for your own parents if you want to, even if they’ve never helped you with your own children, but the social contract doesn’t go Have kids > raise them until 18 > ignore their needs in adulthood > move in when you’re 80 and need help. I would argue for the entirety of human history it has been have kids > raise them to independence with the support of your own parents > support them in adulthood by helping with the raising of their children while providing support to your elderly parents > be supported by your children in your infirmity. And before anyone says about expecting grandparents to do nothing but childcare and elder care, I don’t mean that grandparents should have their grandkids 8-6 like a nursery to be entitled to elder care. But frequent babysitting, a week in the summer holidays, taking them on days out, is the bare minimum I would do as a grandparent.

They don’t have to do any care, but as they chose to have children, yes they do have a legal obligation to care for them. Then fulfilling their legal obligation doesn’t entitle them to physical support from their children who are not inclined to give it. Some people feel inclined to support elderly parents after they have done the bare minimum in raising them, but I would argue that an adult raised in a supportive environment by parents who continue to support them into adulthood by taking an interest in their grandchildren and babysitting them is more likely to want to support their parents in old age. No one is saying elderly people who refused to take their grandkids to Hoseasons in the summer break should be ground up and fed to the dogs, just that their children might be less inclined to invite them to move in so they can care for them in their old age, and they might have to go into assisted living instead.

Did they care for you when you were a child and at the life stage where you required it? If so why wouldn't uou do the same?

@batt3nb3rg your views may change once you have raised your own DC. My idea of what I was prepared to do has changed over the years. I was very idealistic pre DC. Not so much now.

I really don’t mean to sound rude, but are you dense? Who chose to have OP?

YANBU. What do they expect you to do from another country? It works well until it completely falls apart. If you have no relationship then fair enough.

No you are not a monster. Neither were they.

@CautionConcealedEntrance your parents don’t appear to have been good parents to you (what was their upbringing like?). Why foster care?

But there is a difference between interest in grandchildren and providing childcare.

In the case of your parents I probably wouldn’t have wanted them to provide childcare as not sure they would provide good care

DH and I both moved away from our home towns so grandparents weren’t available for childcare, but they still have an interest in DC. Childcare should not be expected of grandparents. As retirement age gets older and as the age of having children gets older I think grandparent childcare will get less as we move through generations

A very interesting question.

I care for my Dad. He, and Mum, did look after our children in the holidays a lot but I don't think that's been a reason for me wanting to help him now.

What has, in part, made me want to help is the fact he and Mum both cared for their parents (my Grandparents). In different ways - one at our home as my Grandad was bed bound, and the others at their own home calling in most days with some SS support visits.

Equally I do it because Dad chose it from the alternative of moving into a care home. It's what he wants, we love him, and it makes him happy - and our lives are such that we are lucky and can accommodate the change.

Similar situation here. One set of GP were part of my DC life as they grew up, the others lived at the other end of the country and made zero effort to be part of the family.

I always said you get back what you put in and me, my partner and both my DC would do anything for one set of GP. The others (Mine) have literally zero contact. My DC treat them as strangers and i can go years without seeing them. One is now no longer with us and the other is struggling along with Parkinsons, cancer and a whole host of other stuff. I said 15 years ago that they should move to be closer to me and my 2 other siblings to lay down some roots and plan for the future but they ignored it.

For me it isn't really about the practical support (including childcare) it is about the closeness of the relationship.

My parents moved abroad, long term and then permanently ( just as my marriage ended...and as a newly single parent would have appreciated some support).

Although they said ‘ we are only a two hour flight away’, they missed my children’s christenings, missed family weddings, funerals and other events. ( too tight to pay for flights, an outfit and gift).

As mf DF was ill and they were in their 70’s they returned to the UK. They changed their minds about moving close to me, choosing to live near my brother. Overtime my DF can't drive this far to me. I work full time in a demanding job.

Our relationship is one phone call a week. They have no contact with my DC’s. I visit my parents, maybe once a month. They never invite us to them.

A recent tragedy in my family, they didn't recognise at all and lied when I challenged them.

I send/buy/visit for birthday. They don't reciprocate. Again when I said ‘ I know you don't do birthdays but I wanted to treat you’ my DM said ‘well none of us do birthdays’. I reminded her of my gifts to them, magazine subscriptions, days out, clothing, gardening equipment, concerts abroad (Michael Buble) , top La Liga football games and both with hotel stays.

I invited them to stay for Christmas. We had an amazing time, everything just as expected. Great food, company, games, drinks.
Our Christmas visit to them this year as they can't travel, taking them a large food hamper, my DC’s taking them gifts too, was dismal. A cup of tea and one mince pie each.

I'm not going to feel quilty about not helping them. I'm very sad that our relationship is so limited. I've tried to model how family relationships could be, but there isn't anything returned.

My DF has always been a selfish man. It is all about him. DM has grown very similar. They are insular and quite bitter. Very little joy in anything they do.

I wonder if they know how to build and maintain relationships. I wonder if they really want to.

And now ops putting in her time with her children. Raising them.

You don’t get a score card to cash in just because you raised a child or mostly in ops parents case sent your child away.

Act like a distant relative get treated like one.

They don’t even put in effort for their grandchild’s birthday. Why should op or her children treat them special just because one upon a time they looked after op for a mere handful of years as foster careers and boarding school did most the looking after.

I'd have been very hurt if my parents hadn't taken an interest in my children. I didn't expect childcare as they didn't live nearby, nor from other GPs who were more local, though they kindly offered to have DDs one day a week which was great. It's the not taking an interest bit that would hurt.

I'm an only child so I don't know what I'd have done re elder care had it been a necessity in that scenario. I wouldn't feel minded to go out of my way for them if they had not been interested in their grandkids.

My views may change, but my actions won’t. In choosing to have children I’m choosing to take on a role that includes supporting them throughout their lives. I’m sure there are people who bitterly regret having a child, but it doesn’t change the actions that are legally and morally required of them, they have to raise that child now to a minimum standard. I might not be hugely enthusiastic about caring for grandchildren when I’m in that situation, but as far as I’m concerned the moment my child is born I will have an obligation to them that includes their children, and unless I’m physically incapable I will be fulfilling it.

And I will certainly be encouraging my children to consider the parents of their potential spouse when they are adults for exactly this reason.