If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

Are you being deliberately goady?

We live close to my IL’s and they have airways been lovely, kind and caring GP’s without being oppressive. I will happily help them out if they need it in the future.

My DM died way before any GC came along and my DF lived over 3 hours away from us but he always made the effort to send gifts, phone the dc on their birthdays and genuinely seemed to dote on them and what they were up to from afar. I had no hesitation helping him when he became unwell, became frail and then passed away. It was a privilege to do all of that as well as to carry out his wishes according to his will. I have 2 siblings and it is clear that we haven’t all felt the same way.

Leave your children out of it, you chose to have them.

Did your parents care for, support and raise you?

I do not think the lack of childcare itself should be an impediment to a supportive relationship with your parents in their old age. But I can see that the lack of interest in and lack of care for your children more globally would be very off-putting when contemplating support to your parents. They sound emotionally distant, not only to your children but also toward you and that is bound to make you feel somewhat alienated from them. So to answer your question, I do not think it is the lack of childcare (what would they have done realistically if they live in another country?) but the lack of an emotional connection that justifies you keeping them at arms' length.

"You didn't give a shit when I needed help, I don't give a shit that you need help now."

YANBU I don't think there's anything wrong with matching somebody's energy. Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial.

So it's not enough to raise ones children? You don't think they deserve to be empty nesters and enjoy the functional years they have left?
Is everyone so hard-hearted that they would be that transactional with their parents?
I absolutely realise some parents are shit etc, but I'm talking about those who feel that despite having had 18-20 years (or more) of being there, they now have to do something in order to get some help and care back.
Edited to add:
I'm not talking about the OPs parents specifically, it's a general point about the issue

Op isn't asking them to raise her child she's asking them to take a small interest which is obviously very different.

I have this with my in-laws. They favour their older gc and don't bother with my child so they can't count on any practical or financial help from me but I'm sure they'll ask anyway.

Fucking hell. They raised you. But sure, if they won't also raise your kids, chuck em in a home 🙄

To add, as a grandparent, I do help with childcare but I also have a mortgage, a job, a life. If my children decide I don't do enough, I guess it'll be fine if they go No Contact as soon as I'm too infirm to do a nursery pickup.

Your upbringing sounds difficult OP,‘I would focus on your own personal dynamic and if you don’t want to then don’t. It sounds like your interaction with them come at some emotional cost and if it’s not positive in any way for you then don’t do it.

My mil never bothered with my kids. To the point of buying extravagant gifts for sil kids at Xmas and some cheap thing for mine. She didn’t visit when they were born, or show any interest in spending time with them.

I don’t think it’s a tit for tat thing. But my kids are somewhat indifferent towards her. I can’t imagine them feeling any particular obligation to her because she just doesn’t have that bond with them. My mum and grandma however were very present and see them a lot. So they do have a bond with them, and the kids want to spend time with them, and feel a sense of duty to them. Teenage ds are very protective of Nan and Grandma especially.

Sounds like they didn't really raise you and their total lack of interest in you or the DC justifies your views and feelings

No judgment here but Care should not be a trade off. If you don’t feel the compassion then don’t do it.

You don't owe them anything, spend your time with the family you have made

My FIL was insistent that they wouldn't do regular childcare or school pick ups which I completely accepted. It would have helped hugely as we had no one else to help but I felt he had the right to do as he wished. However I knew my PILs had had an enormous amount do help from their own parents.

Now my FIL is elderly he expects a lot of help and we did give him so much regular time during Covid and when my (beloved) MIL died. But I resent his assumption that we will help. I tell myself thought that I'm not like him

No my parents didn't help.
Yes I helped them. And gosh I'm glad I did.

The two things really aren't comparable as a quid pro quo. When I needed childcare I was at the prime of my life in terms of healthy, energy and earning potential. When they needed help they were at the end of life and vulnerable. Of course i helped. And now they're gone at least that's one regret I don't have.

I'll bet if there were no grandkids they'd be moaning about that as it's something to show off to friends. As for parents raising their kids and how we should all be thankful to them for that-don't have kids, simple. If none of us were born it's not like we'd know or care. Parents have kids for their own selfish reasons, it's not like someone dropped orphan kids on their doorstep and they raised them out of the goodness of their hearts.

Most people want kids and would be devastated if they couldn't have them, children more than make up for being raised by giving their parents the joy of raising a child. If you don't get this, feel free not to have kids. They're not there as insurance policies against old age. Thinking looking after elderly, frail grown adults is any sort of "trade" is massively short-sighted. It's not comparable.

I've been through several emotional arcs thinking about my parents and in-laws and how I react to how they relate to me & my kids.
I'm currently in an indifferent zone but I also have a side story of mercenary because I want my kids to benefit from inheritance.
So minimal effort, chuck them the odd picture for display purposes because it's all about display with mine. And wait.

How is that being goady? The OP is directly linking her kids care to caring for her parents. I’m merely wondering how this transactional relationship works with no kids.

Yes and no. I’m NC with my family so I won’t be helping with any care as they get older. Has nothing to do with them not helping with childcare (they live abroad, so neither of us could help each other anyway).

MIL didn’t really help with childcare. I mean she has spent a few days with dc over the years, but not in any consistent or ongoing way. We would certainly provide support financially if she needed care, and Dh might do some practical things, like fixing her car or whatever. But we are NC with her partner (he is a dangerous man with a criminal record) and he won’t let Dh in the house anyway, so we couldn’t provide actual support while he’s still alive. Maybe when he’s dead, but still kicking so far.

Grandparents lives don't stop just because they have grandchildren, if someone makes a choice to have children they need to work things out for themselves

Is that not the same in reverse. Just because your now elderly doesn’t mean your children’s worlds need to stop and become about you as they have work/their own children and hopefully a social life to live.

My DM was amazing with helping out DSis with her kids. She went to stay with them for 2 months when they had their 2nd to help out and was always spending weekends looking after their DC so they could go for weekends away, attend adult only weddings etc.

When I had my first, I had an awful birth, we were in hospital for a week dealing with birth injuries which affected me & DS. DM visited for a couple of days once we got home, came to a midwife appointment with me where I was told they weren’t signing me off as they had concerns I was showing signs of post natal depression/obsessive thoughts. That afternoon, she fucked off to stay with DSis ‘to give her a lie in’. DM and I have been NC for 8 yrs now, DSis can do the caring.

But I don't see elderly people expecting to be helped just adult children who have kids then complain about how much nursery costs and do this 'Oh I have mummy guilt' thing

Maybe people should think carefully before having children then?

But yes if anyone does actually expect to be helped in old age that is wrong too

My mum didn’t look after mine unless it was for a GP appointment or an emergency but I’m happy to look after my mum. Why on earth wouldn’t I look after my mum, especially now that she’s frail and vulnerable.

And grandparents also need to work out their own care and not expect anything of their children.