If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

So you don’t see the elder parents who expect their children to take them shopping weekly. To weekly doctors appointments, to come and cut the lawns and do general maintenance and such the many threads of complaints about them.

At times the asks of some elderly parents can be like having an additional child but only one who thinks they deserve more because they are older and raised you so you owe them.

Well, that's the point 'they are my parents, they raised me, I love them' is not universal.

Honestly my parents were good parents to me and sacrificed a lot to put us through college. My mom was always clear that she wouldn't want to mind grand kids on ongoing basis but would help if we were really stuck.
It seems to that being good parents isn't enough for you because they also didn't look after your kids for you they don't deserve any support . I think it's a despicable attitude actually.

Ops parents don't seem like they were really very good.

I can answer that for my DC's grandmother (ex-MIL) - no! ( As in care for, support etc. DC's dad.) And not been interested in the GC either.

I see adult children do this for their parents because they say they have guilt

This. Surely it follows the other way around. They raised you, so you have an obligation to help them out. If you argue that you, didn't ask to be born then can say the very same about your kids.

Your parents were good parents to you hence you having that attitude.

Doesn't sound like OPs parents were exactly good parents, though does it?

I don't think anyone is obliged to look after their parents or their grandkids. But if you don't give a single fuck about your grandkids, you probably don't have a good relationship with your kids, so why would you expect them to look after you in old age?

Tbh I don't "expect" my child to look after me when I'm old because I'm not selfish. I'd rather they were off enjoying their life anyway frankly! My parents in law don't give a fuck about us and vice versa so why would we volunteer to look after them when they probably wouldn't even flinch if we dropped dead tomorrow?

When they go low.
You go higher.

I would help regardless I don't have that mentality I.e you didn't help me so I am going to make you pay for it.

And you had a mum who would look after her grandchildren if you were stuck! Do you even realise what a massive thing that was? Sounds like you just took it for granted.

How could they childcare from another country?

It's not about making them pay for it. But if your parents lived in another country would you uproot your children to move abroad to care for them when they've never given a damn about your children and have no relationship with them?

You are not a monster!
My own DM never really helped out (went through the motions, but was about as useful as a chocolate teapot, really!)
I did look after her when she got dementia, but not necessarily in the way she would have wanted to be helped (E.g. I got her shopping for her, and had her over to visit when in assisted living and initially in Care Home, but never had her live with us).
It’s possible to be compassionate without being a doormat - knowing your own limits is important!

Gosh OP, they hardly raised you at all. I'm surprised you're in contact as much as you are.

Please don't listen to any guilt trips. Tell them care homes are the adult equivalent of foster care and boarding school and you feel no guilt.

I'm glad you have your in-laws.

If you don't like your parents and don't want to support them when they are elderly, your conscience allows it, then don't. It is a choice you are allowed to to make and bear the consequences of.

Using childcare as the only reason is disingenuous.

Just don't do anything you might regret. Once they are gone they are gone forever.

My parents did help a lot with my eldest two but then we moved further away and they couldn't help anywhere near as much with my younger ones. I was happy to care for my elderly parents because I love them dearly, not because they did or didn't provide childcare. You don't sound like you have a close relationship with your parents and if you don't want to care for them in old age, then don't.

My parents didn’t provide any babysitting other than two occasions, one overnight, during my son‘s whole childhood,, but they always provided enormous amounts of support, including financial, but the most important thing was the emotional support, and then absolute joy in my child, and that meant more to me than any kind of free childcare that I might have got from them. I completely understand what you’re saying, and it’s not about childcare, it’s about emotional investment, which goes both ways.

First of all, they're not abandoned, they live in a different country so how much support could you provide realistically from afar? And there's a difference between not helping out with kids which some people can't do because of work/ age/ health issues etc and not showing any interest at all. Of course you're not going to be close to them if they don't even bother to remember their grandchildren's birthdays! They've checked out of family life so obviously you've done the same. You get out what you put in/ karma and all that jazz!

This is quite a complex situation emotionally.
from your last update, assuming they are your bio parents, it seems you spent 5 years with them full time out of your entire childhood. That is a big thing to unpack in itself, without the need to throw grandchildren into the emotional equation.

You have to do what is right for you emotionally. If it’s having a boundary where you don’t, won’t or can’t help them or if it’s to help them as they didn’t help you or anything in between so long as you can sit comfortably with it then that is a good decision.
Don’t allow what you feel other people would judge influence what you need to do: they didn’t live your life, have the relationship you have with your parents and frankly if they’re that quick to judge they certainly don’t care about what informed your approach to them.

If you decide that you're going to spend your middle years living your own life, doing as you please and paying little time or attention to your DCs and their family, why do you then get to comandeer exactly those same years of your DCs life to care for you? Why shouldn't it be the adult DCs turn to live their own life just as you did?

It's about demanding that your DCs give up what you were not prepared to give up.

Do you think good parents have their child put in foster care for several years before shoving them in boarding school as soon as they are allowed? Because that is what the OP's parents did. Personally, it's their parenting I find despicable.

This. The horrid transactionalism on MN deeply depresses me. My parents were too old and far away to provide childcare (and both smoked) but they had brought me up, so of course when I could help I did.

I don't know about "monster" OP, but your moral compass is well out of whack.

Your parents brought you up. OPs parents didn't so there's a slight difference! I think it is OP's parents with the moral compass out of whack!!

Hey, I’ll throw my 10c in. It’s about family caring. Parent, child, grand parent. You get what you sow. Your return is generally commensurate with the investment. My children/grand children will/are my top priority - in life. Period.