If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

Did you read the OP? What the parents actually says, how have you twisted this to be the husbands fault? The ILs are great!

Totally bizarre.......

I see, looking at various grandparent relationships amongst my wider family, in laws, friends and acquaintances etc, some who are so involved and interested and others who just don't seem to give a dam. I must say I do view disinterested grandparents as really quite terrible people. I just cannot understand it. What's wrong with them?

Why on earth do you feel entitled to childcare? The lack of interest I can understand must have been hurtful, and didn't foster any deep bonds between you and them, but 'expecting' them to help with childcare for children you chose to have is unreasonable.

Punishing them by leaving them struggling and unwell is pretty unpleasant. You aren't obliged to help them of course, you're not obliged to help anyone - and it may be that you don't feel you have a close relationship (maybe that's why they didn't send presents?). But if it's to make a point then that's pretty callous.

I think it's weird they didn't even send presents and cards. Not wanting to be regular babysitters is one thing but it's like they didn't even acknowledge your kids existed.

I just don’t think the two things are related. I’ll help care for my parents when the time comes because they’re my parents, I love them, they raised me. They have very little meaningful relationship with my kids but that won’t stop me from caring for them.

I can’t see how it’s not related. If your parents aren’t interested in your life & your dc then how do you foster a good relationship? How often would you spend time together, catch up?

My ILs are great too. I wouldn’t have looked after my DM as our direct relationship was poor but her interest in my DCs was irrelevant to that, I don’t see the link.

Of course it's all related.
Some people are kind and help others (especially family)
Some people are totally self-centred.

Of course.

My love for them, and therefore my inclination to help them as far as I can, is not conditional on how much energy they felt willing and able to put into helping me raise my DC, having already raised their own.

My parents retired abroad and weren’t available at all for childcare. So what? They deserved a carefree retirement after a lifetime of hard work and they got it.

It didn’t enter my head to withhold support when they became infirm and vulnerable. To do so would have been beyond calculating and cruel, and they didn’t raise me to be that person.

I wonder how much childcare provided is factored in to help given to elderly fathers. Is it the same as mothers? I’ve never heard anyone complain about their DF not helping.

Same here.

My children are my responsibility (and their father's), nobody else.

So parents have to do two sets of care in order to get one set in return? Have I got that right?

It's more to do with how you feel about them. You probably feel their total lack of interest in your children reflects how they feel about you. I'm guessing they were and still are poor parents who did not build a strong or loving bond with you. I'm guessing but this could be why you don't want to look after them. I would not either.

Nobody asks to be born. Does my frigging head in when people say you owe you parents because they had sex one night.

@LittleGreenDragons to the point that you'd be happy with them taking no interest in your children? Did you have a relationship with your grandparents?

How do you equate that your parents are your responsibility?

And satisfied their maternal and paternal needs?

So what? Who fucking cares! No one asked to be born!

Oh I see they have to do two sets of care because no one asked to be born. Surely this logic also applies to your own DC?

My love for them, and therefore my inclination to help them as far as I can, is not conditional on how much energy they felt willing and able to put into helping me raise my DC, having already raised their own

I think it’s really weird to barely speak to your gc, forget their birthdays etc and for it to have no impact on your relationship with them.

I answered wrongly! I've asked MN to delete!

You've got in totally wrong IMO!

Yes I think so actually. Looking after your children is generally non negotiable. Once they become adults, you're no longer obligated to do anything for them or your grandchildren. Those who do, do it out of love.

yanbu

As a parent to you when you were a child they had a duty to look after care for and raise you. That doesn’t give you a duty to look after them.

You had a child and your parents gave not one fuck clearly to even do simple things for birthday. Why would you care when they then want things from you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Reap what you sow.

I am very confused.

It’s not about actual child care. They couldn’t even be bothered to celebrate birthdays or anything for their own grandchild yet expect their child to come fix all their problems.

If you as an adult cnba in your own child’s life including their children you cannot be surprised when they give no more care to you than any other elderly person.

I've had no help. My DP moved abroad when I was pregnant with my eldest. My in laws live close by but aren't interested.

With my in laws we have no relationship and obviously my DC have no relationship with them. So I wouldn't be inclined to go out of my way.

With my DP it's not quite the same. While the moving away in part showed the level of care about my DC and in many ways they are very distant parents/grandparents. However, they have made some effort and so have we. But I do see the difference in how close my cousin is with her parents who have supported her massively - now my uncle has dementia she supports an awful lot.