If your DC’s GPs didn’t help with childcare…were you inclined to help with elderly care…?

[CautionConcealedEntrance]

Just that, really.

If your children’s Grandparents were unwilling to help with your DC, how do you feel about helping them in their dotage?

My own Parents made it absolutely clear that they had no intention or desire to even spend any time nor took any interest in my DC. Never sent presents, never remembered birthdays, on the few occasions they spoke it was always in an age inappropriate manner - using baby talk to the 6 year old e.g. As for my In-Laws, even though they were really quite elderly and unwell at times when my DC were little, they always took a huge interest in them, always making sure the books and toys they sent were age appropriate and looked after them when possible.
Now the in laws are extremely infirm and elderly, it has been an honour to be able to help them. My parents…? They get phone calls and very rare visits (they live in another country and are struggling over there). They are turning on the pathos, constantly complaining about feeling abandoned and always asking for help. I’ve not volunteered to help out, except for a couple of admin things. But that’s it.

Am I a monster for thinking like this?

Definitely going to organise my own care. As my DC are gorgons anyway....

I care for my parents because they cared for me and my siblings. I always made it clear to my parents that childcare was not their responsibility and they were to do as little or as much as they wanted with the grandchildren.

Why should grandparents be expected to provide free childcare?

What a selfish attitude... you didn't help me therefore I won't help you!

I help with my GC not because I'm expected too but because I want too! Sounds like your parents didn't want too and by your attitude I can understand why not!

By the same token I have made it very clear to my children that as I get older I do not expect I fact I forbid them to care for me.. I've told them to put me in a home and live their lives

Again, I don't think grandparents should be obliged to provide childcare at all, we've had none from ours and have a brilliant relationship with them and will do what we can as they age. That's not that this thread is really about though.

OP's title is inflammatory, but her OP says "my parents take zero interest in my DC and don't even really know them. I find their attitude very upsetting and it's damaged our relationship. AIBU that this makes me reluctant to provide elderly care?" And I don't think SIBU in that at all, I can't imagine how hurt I would be if my parents showed so little interest in my children.

YANBU - not even necessarily for childcare - but if they didn’t show love and support to you and your children then they’re only family because of blood - no other reason.

We have the same with the in laws and they’re not interested in our kids or bothered about us and so we’re not close.

Whereas DH is another son to my parents and we’d all do anything for each other. We’ve already agreed with have either of my parents live with us in future and will probably have my sibling with us and always be there for support.

My in laws didn’t help us once in 20 years. We had very serious illnesses when our DD was a baby, with lengthy hospital stays. Not an ounce of sympathy or help. They never baby sat once, helped with a day of school holidays or made sure had any food when we were both made redundant at the same time. They’ve made no effort to know our daughter and have no relationship with her.

They bent over backwards to help SIL with her many children, funded holidays and bought them all school uniform, expensive Christmas and birthday presents. Whereas our DD has had nothing from them.

We will not be helping them at all, SIL can do it all as far as I’m concerned. Amusingly I know she won’t do a thing unless they pay her. So good luck with that!

I think there is a difference between not doing regular childcare and having zero interest in your grandchildren. It looks like you are the latter OP so I understand your position.

We have had less help than my siblings but both my children are disabled so we understand why. However when my DM was terminally ill at home, because of my caring responsibility for my children, I couldn't physically be there as much as the others.

I doubt the OP is really expecting much childcare herself since her parents live in another country…

@CautionConcealedEntrance - forgive me if I’m wrong, but this more about feelings of service in expectations vs service and expectations met. In contractual terms:

Party A (your parents) had children who were cared for greatly - even mainly by - party B (your grandparents)

Party B pass away mainly uncared for, or if there is care party A expect help from you, after all, they cared for you as a child.

Party C (you) have children (party D) and party A is not willing to give any help, to the lengths of taking early retirement and moving abroad to further remove the prospect.

In contractual terms were being ripped off, our parents were given so much help, did the minimum for their own parents, fuck all for their grandchildren and yet still feel entitled to help. It’s like were the sandwich generation who do everything for everyone.

I will say this isn’t my personal experience, my parents are both passed but I see it so clearly in my wider family and friends now. For clarity of generations we are around 40s now

Eeurgh what an awful title for tat question title, when actually your OP makes more sense.

I don't think any GPs should do childcare, unless they actively want to. My parents did none, and I'll care for them as much as I possibly can. However, they remember birthdays, love the GCs and always do lovely activities and have fun holidays with them. But the whole GPs doing childcare thing... I'm already hoping my children don't expect that of me, bloody hell surely 28 years of parenting my own offspring will be considered enough?!!

I will be there for my MIL because she is a wonderful, caring person who has helped me and DH alot by taking one of our boys regularly. She is 80 and she goes with us on vacation every year and we are all happy to have her in our lives.
My father (mother deceased) doesn't even remember my children's birthdays, have no idea how old they are etc. He was present during my childhood but he caused alot of heartache to my mum and us children. I'm not mad at him, just detached. I wish him all good but he better not count on me to take care of him. Something I will gladly do for my generous MIL...

100% with you OP

parent don’t do a child a favour by raising them- parents choose to be parents.
But choosing to be a shit grandparent means you can forget help in your old age- btw a redundant point for me, no skin in this argument as my parents are dead.

It's not they didn't help it's that they showed zero interest or love in their grandchildren

It's not about childcare but about relationships. My children give my MIL so much joy and love so she's happy to have one of them often. My DS even saved his allowance to treat her to à restaurant !

You're stronger than me!!

Keep going!!

They deserve it.

All of this

I would not be helping them. They didn't help you so let them get on with it. They were so mean to do that to you and their grandkids

I would help with elderly care, given my parents raised me. Nothing to do with them providing me with childcare, and if that's your attitude then you seem pretty entitled so sounds like you have been spoilt.

You get what you give.

My parents have had no interest whatsoever in my kids - so much so my husband finds it really hard to get on with them because they would never help us so we could have day/night away. HOWEVER they were great parents - I had the most amazing childhood - and I think they burnt themselves out giving me and my siblings an idyllic childhood but by the time I had children they were loving life as just the two of them because they did everything for us when we were growing up. It has been a bone of contention in our house as they have no interest in the grandchildren at all - there argument is that theyv'e been there done that and they aren't their children so there is no way they would waste a day going to the zoo or looking after them for us - that is our job. They don't do kids anymore. But I do think as they get older I would be there for them but it does hurt a bit that they have never bothered with their grandchildren.

Foster care 2-4, Boarding school from 6-14, left home at 17. Very privileged upbringing in many ways but not a lot of loving going on.
My parents have pictures of their grandchildren in photo frames to show to their friends but have never picked up the phone to speak to them.

It must be lovely to have such a simplistic view of life.
And what if your parents were abusive/neglectful?

So by this logic if there are no grandkids then you still don’t have to care for aging parents?

Given your update I would not help at all.
They put you in foster care???!!

My parents can’t do any childcare for my kids, they were ill and unwell before they were even conceived. They do however love the bones off them, even if they’re quite hands off. I’ll do as much as I can as long as I can.

My MIL is the most loving grandparent in the world, super hands on, but chose to move 3h away when she retired so I imagine I won’t be able to do as much for her.

I don’t think care is a reciprocal thing. But your scenario smacks of disinterest. So I’d absolutely send that back. Childcare doesn’t equal elder care, but child interest probably does equate to elder interest. I’m sorry.