Why do some people have conversations like this? AIBU or is it really annoying!

[Cookiecrumblepie]

"Your dog was so cute as a puppy".
"Well, he is cute as a grown dog as well".

"Sandra is really clever".
"I've always thought Debbie is very clever".

"My son is struggling a bit with reading".
"We never pushed our children with reading".

Someone who never agrees with anything said and is always insinuating something with their response or making a statement that is irrelevant. AIBU or is this conversation style really strange? It's so annoying!

😂 I like what you did there!

I think i am like this. I just want to explore all viewpoints… and i need conversations to do this, to gain new insights. Never occurred to me that it was annoying for other people.

I think i was raised in a family where this happened a lot. We often watched political debates and we discussed a lot about them, from all viewpoints. Very much like a tennismatch indeed.
With a real friend you can discuss anything, right? Whats the fun in having conversations where you only can agree? Seems boring to me…

Whats the fun in having conversations where you only can agree? Seems boring to me…

Tbh it's NOT about 'only agreeing.'

I've definitely meet people like this where there is never any common ground and it's like they deliberately disagree with anything and everything that you say.
All I can suggest is limiting contact.

I just don’t think you get it, this isn’t healthy debate. This is saying anything and they will disagree with you - purely for the sake of it.

It gets really draining speaking to them.

It's a very cynical and miserable way of communicating in my experience. Automatically being on the defensive must be exhausting for them. I once had a next door neighbour who was like this. Everything you said to her, she'd counter with the opposite position. I ended up just saying hello and then waiting for her to talk as I just couldn't be bothered with her being so oppositional.

It's also the taking one word from what the person has said and making up your own conversation rather than actually listening and responding to what's being said especially in the clever Sandra example.

I know what you mean OP. There's almost a defensiveness to it. I have a relative like this who, thankfully, I only have minor dealings with over social media.

I'm a nanny and once posted a meme about nannies coping with children in the school holiday and she replied 'yes mums too'. Ok? I'm not a mum and wasn't talking to or about you.

Nearly all of her posts on Facebook also come across as combative with no (apparent) provocation, recently one went along the lines of 'I charge what I charge for my services because I know what I'm worth and if you think it's too much then fine, but I KNOW MY WORTH!' Ok, do you!

Oooh I think being a hairdresser must be so interesting! I see mine every couple of months and we always pick up right where we left off, it amazes me how she keeps track of everyone's stories

I think a whole lot of behaviours and motivations are being conflated in this thread.

There’s the ‘Ruth Duggan’ person who deliberately plays mind games and shows favouritism.

There’s the defensive person who has probably been around too many passive-aggressive snide people in their time, has partially retreated from humanity and trusts no one.

There’s the ‘misunderstood’ client at the hairdresser's, who doesn’t believe they are being truly heard, that their experience is so unique, that no one could genuinely sympathise, that any efforts made by the hairdresser to relate to the are seen as minimising their ordeal.

There’s the autistic or shy person who doesn’t really get small talk very well and how it is not about conveying information, but more a kind of cooing, reassuring process of friendly noises to emotionally connect.

There’s the ‘devil’s advocate’ lawyer type who believes conversation is a competition to outsmart the other person.

There’s the misanthropist who doesn’t want to talk to people and is oppositional to shake them off.

I think a whole lot of behaviours and motivations are being conflated in this thread.

Agree. There's probably no one reason alone.

I know a few people like this and agree it's aggravating and draining.

It reminds me of Stephen Potter's satirical self-help book, One-Upmanship, full of gambits to "make the other man feel that something has gone wrong, however slightly", for instance saying, "Yes, but not in the South", with slight adjustments, in any argument. 😏

I've come across that, it's as if people have to be competitive or defensive, for no reason. My mother was a bit like that - and there was no telling her!

Just ignore.

I assume it's an autistic thing, he's very defensive and quick to aggression.
It's hard to tell what is autism, what is a personality thing and what is just being a kid so who knows. I just wish he'd stop it!

Yep and I hate it. There's actually a name for these types of people. 'Oppositional Conversationists'.

It boils my piss, I've called a few out on it.

Oh yes I think you might be right. This reminds me of the 'what about me effect' which went viral on TikTok after a video of someone making bean soup was flooded with comments of people saying 'but I don't like beans, what can I use instead?'

It never occurred to these people that perhaps that video wasn't for them, and they should try a different soup. Some people are just high self-absorbed, and I don't think it's because of social media/being online more, that just highlights it more.

Totally agree. I have a colleague like this I rarely start conversations with her now it's pointless no discussion or back and forth.

One example is I made a throwaway comment that because I live on my own I can decorate it how I want.

Instantly defensive of “well my boyfriend will let me decorate our house any way I want to”

Firstly … this couple don’t live together, aren’t saving for a house and both live with their parents.

It’s not a dig at anyone but it is a fact that I don’t have to consult with anyone on what colour to paint the kitchen. And on the other hand it’s nice to have someone to share different ideas of what to decorate a room, share the cost etc

I think that person is competitive and believes you are showing off.

Which of course says more about them.

I'm autistic as well and get accused of this. It is always a misunderstanding on the part of the particular person who accuses me of this. I am trying to be conversational by making similar remarks, not trying to disagree or criticise.

In the pupoy/dog example I wouldn't see any implied criticism because that is not how my brain works. I would just see it as 2 separate statements of truth.

Just wondering OP if you are seeing implied meanings in people's statements and if they are not realising that you are picking up on stuff that they don't actually mean.

@dizzydizzydizzy i don’t think I’m misunderstanding. The people I’m thinking of are definitely not neurodiverse, they’re just endlessly combative. So literally any compliment or any comment is taken as an attack. I could say “that’s a lovely cake did you bake it” and it would elicit an argumentative response. I can’t think of a single comment I could make that wouldn’t be met with a counter.

My brother is exactly the same. You are right it is exhausting.
If I am talking about a situation or moaning about a friend he absolutely always has to say well maybe it's because of this....or maybe they feel this way blah blah
I could be completely right about something but he has to disagree or have a long debate about it and get a point across.

He can never say 'yes that is annoying'.

My mother in law with my parents. She clearly hates them lol.

I had an ex boyfriend like this. He liked to ‘challenge people’ Note the ex.