Why do some people have conversations like this? AIBU or is it really annoying!

[Cookiecrumblepie]

"Your dog was so cute as a puppy".
"Well, he is cute as a grown dog as well".

"Sandra is really clever".
"I've always thought Debbie is very clever".

"My son is struggling a bit with reading".
"We never pushed our children with reading".

Someone who never agrees with anything said and is always insinuating something with their response or making a statement that is irrelevant. AIBU or is this conversation style really strange? It's so annoying!

My teenager is like this and also DH, although not the woke bit, thankfully. DH is nice in most other ways but this is infuriating. How did you tackle it with your ds?

This is my mother. Can’t bring herself to agree with anything I say but doesn’t do it with my siblings. Just plain awkward for awkward’s sake😊

Yes I know what you mean OP.People who take an innocent conversation gambit as an attack, or as an opportunity to patronise.

Usually insecure people or simply people who don't have the nous to learn the art of cpleasant conversation.

Hmm... Then it just becomes a, "yes, oh I know, I know, yes," conversation à la Sybill Fawlty on the phone.

Tbh I don't always find it's argumentative just self centred.

Zero engagement with what you're saying or just bringing it back to their experiences or thoughts.

There's an old fashioned phrase

" they don't have any conversation "

And I think this is what it refers to.

Certainly there is zero just chatting with these types.

If they talk, they hold court, that's it.

I know what you mean about people who have to win the point all the time though. Some people do treat conversation as a verbal tennis match.

I have an old friend who has a bad habit of seeing every conversation through the prism of her most recent political bugbear or position which I find very tiring.

You can’t shoot the breeze in a general way without things being brought around to THE topic: at the moment it’s the trans thing, before that it was the Labour Party, its previously romped through everything from porn to plastic surgery to GM foods. I have positions on all these topics and am happy to talk about them but I find the predictability of it exhausting.

Yes. I suppose people can be prickly. I know if I were to say “Your dog was cute as a puppy” I’d immediately qualify it with “Of course he’s absolutely gorgeous now too” to avoid offence. And most normal people would respond as you say.

On the other hand, there are a lot of unsolicited value judgements people make like “Wow - your husband is a looker” with a surprised face, and the inference can only be ‘what does he see in you?’. Or “You look amazing, you’ve lost so much weight”, - so the inference was they thought they didn’t look great before, etc. There’s a need for tact and grace for things people might be sensitive about.

I mentioned him upthread, but I absolutely detest the gossipy way my FIL makes conversation, everything is some sort of judgmental status comment, “I hear blah blah has done VERY well for herself” or “Well of course she’s a silly girl and was too scared to get her eyes tested”. I don’t want to talk about people like that, and I don’t want to tell him anything about my life because it will be used to either brag about or disparage me behind my back. I’d rather know how people are feeling than play this ‘keep up with the Jones’’ game.

So I know I can shut people down a bit if they come across as gossipy to me and sometimes I really regret it if people ask me intrusive questions and I tell the truth because I’m so taken aback that they’d ask, so I have had to learn to shut them down.

I'm away with someone like this at the moment. I try not have too many opinions. I call them "well, no" people.

I don’t really understand your examples op.

In the first example, by saying the dog was cute as a puppy, you’re heavily implying that he isn’t as cute now which seems a bit mean.

Example two totally depends on the context. So say it was my mother talking about my two older sisters and she said “Karen is very clever”, she’d be implying that Debbie is not as clever so I would intervene and defend Debbie. If someone’s just saying it randomly then fair enough but in my experience this type of thing is rarely said randomly and the person saying it assumes that they have the right, and intelligence to judge everyone else’s intelligence.

I agree that the third example doesn’t make much sense.

The bit about being in agreement with everyone else made my eye twitch witb PTSD. The person I know like this are nice as pie with other people.

Just seem to have a barely concealed eyeroll when talking to me. Doesn't stop her wanting in when I arrange something though🤔

So, yeah, I avoid the fuck out of her.

It’s defensiveness and insecurity. Taking “Your dog was cute as a puppy” as a slight on the adult dog is really looking for offence. Some people really are hard work and best avoided.

My sister is a nightmare, in a similar vein. She will tell me about a problem and want suggestions about what to do. But every suggestion I make is responded to with "oh, but....." Then a reason why she can't do that. She is so negative. It's so frustrating. Then you find out later she has done what was suggested.

She just seems unable to accept any suggestions, they are all dismissed. I have got to the point where I just say "oh dear, that sounds tricky, don't know what to suggest" and back away slowly.

In every other aspect she is fine.

I work with some like that, OP. I know EXACTLY what you mean.

*Someone

Well, maybe they just aren't interested in a conversation with you?

Well, maybe they just aren't interested in a conversation with you?

Clearly not 😂 But they're giving themselves away.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Unfortunately my MiL was like this.

She definitely wanted people to engage in conversation but with her. But she didn't want to engage with anything anyone else said. Their words were just a jumping off point for what she had to say.

On the rare occasion she asked a question, she would probably answer it herself.

All that's missing from those responses are the polite platitudes. "He was wasn't he? He's still cute now" "Do you think so? I think Debbie is too" "Oh that's a shame. We never really pushed ours with reading". I think its probably less about being deliberately awkward and more omitting the verbal softeners that help when you want to express another view.

I wonder if I’m on the spectrum sometimes as I don’t see the problem with any of these conversations. Situation 1 the person is just looking for reassurance her dog is still cute . Situation 2 the second person is giving a different opinion and the third situation the second person is just stating reading is not something they worried about, surely better then boasting about their child being an amazing reader.

Very true. But then again, the initiating comments didn’t have softeners either.

“Your dog is so cute, but, my goodness, what a sweet puppy he was”.

”While spending time one-to-one with Sandra, I am really struck by how clever she is- anticipating everything I was about to suggest”

”I don’t know if you’ve got any tips, but my son is struggling at reading”

With the softener, you have more of an idea where the initiator is going with it and why.

Situ 1 Straight away in defence. Presumimg the worst interpretation.

Situ 2 Not engaging with the info about Sandra, batting back with Debbie.

Situ 3 Totally not engaging with son's reading issues, no sympathy, empathy , inquiry just making about themselves. No need for comparison.

But sunglasses if the person in situation 3 was not very interested in their own children’s reading level, why would they be interested in another child’s?, rather then fake interest, wouldn’t it be better to be honest and maybe carry on with a more interesting conversation then having to have a conversation that is of no interest

My ex husband does this. It is quite deliberate and he does it because he is a massive bellend.

But sunglasses if the person in situation 3 was not very interested in their own children’s reading level, why would they be interested in another child’s?, rather then fake interest, wouldn’t it be better to be honest and maybe carry on with a more interesting conversation then having to have a conversation that is of no interest

A conversation of " no interest to you " you mean? It's of interest to the other person though.

I'm not desperately interested in kids reading levels tbh but if someone said that to me it would be about noticing they were worried or wanted to talk about it.

I think a level of generosity is needed sometimes and perhaps you might have to fake interest for a bit.

But hey we're all different which is why this thread exists.