Why do some people have conversations like this? AIBU or is it really annoying!

[Cookiecrumblepie]

"Your dog was so cute as a puppy".
"Well, he is cute as a grown dog as well".

"Sandra is really clever".
"I've always thought Debbie is very clever".

"My son is struggling a bit with reading".
"We never pushed our children with reading".

Someone who never agrees with anything said and is always insinuating something with their response or making a statement that is irrelevant. AIBU or is this conversation style really strange? It's so annoying!

I used to do this, until a friend in my early 20s got very upset with me for it so I started trying to check myself... I honestly hadn't realised I was even doing it, or how annoying it was. I put it down to being cripplingly shy as a child and young adult, and often struggling to know how to carry on a conversation. Disagreeing with someone is often an effective way of keeping the conversation going...

That said, I have encountered people who have other reasons for doing it. Sometimes it's because they are very pessimistic/anxious and so read negativity into other people's words that isn't there, and are pre-emptively defending themselves... like with the "your dog was cute as a puppy" comment... some people take that to mean he's not cute now, even though that's not what you meant! And some people just looooove an argument. I have a relative who's a lawyer and it's as though he's never off duty... Even if I say something very personal about myself (like if I say I like rice pudding or something), he'll try and contradict me somehow.

Sunglasses I can understand why you might try and show sympathy if it’s a good friend but as a conversation starter isn’t it better to just be honest that it’s not something you’re interested in/knowledgeable about without being rude. Do people really prefer fakeness?

Sunglasses I can understand why you might try and show sympathy if it’s a good friend but as a conversation starter isn’t it better to just be honest that it’s not something you’re interested in/knowledgeable about without being rude. Do people really prefer fakeness?

I don't agree. It's not fakeness. The amazing thing is if you do listen and engage, it becomes interesting.

You don't have to be knowledgeable about something to be interested.

I think if you want a reciprocal relationship with someone there are going to be times where you do have to take an interest in something you're not interested in. No shame in admitting that you don't know much about something though.

But surely you don’t always have to show interest in something that doesn’t interest you. I can always tell when people are faking interest.

But surely you don’t always have to show interest in something that doesn’t interest you. I can always tell when people are faking interest.

All this " faking interest " thing. 😁

You ask questions. You listen. You become engaged. It's conversational give and take. And yes I become interested.

You certainly don't switch to make it about you. which example 3 does.

Or maybe you do if you think a conversation is all about you and your interests.

*Than

I really don’t think that stating a specific dog is cute when grown as well as when it was a pup is ‘always disagreeing for the sake of it’.

Can you come work with me instead of my colleague. She’s beyond frustrating with her constant disagreeing with EVERYTHING I say - literally for the sake of it.

I really feel like saying “are you that bored?”. It’s not even offering a different opinion, it’s just such a strange way to go about a conversation.

A relative of my husband was like this, literally would say the opposite to whatever you said even if it then completely contradicted something they had said previously. And no they weren’t ill or mad or confused or old. Just a massive cunt who went out of their way to try and make you look stupid. Yet a lot of people thought the sun shone out of her arse.

I absolutely hated speaking to her and when she died suddenly recently I’m afraid to say my first thought was “thank fuck I never have to speak to her again”.

I've had so many conversations along these lines today and this thread has enabled me to just smile and let it wash over me instead of getting enraged - so thank you!

My DS does this all the bloody time and it's infuriating!
I know it's because he's autistic but it's so tiring and makes you not want to bother having a conversation sometimes. It's like he's trying to fight me, constantly

My mother is exactly like this with me although not with other people.
i rarely converse with her now. All very superficial as the constant negativity is annoying.

Is that an autistic trait?

My colleague is convinced she’s autistic and she’s exactly like this in conversations. She will also constantly interrupt me in the middle of conversations with something not at all related to what I’m talking about. I find it really rude and hurtful.

That's a good point. For some of us the verbal softeners are really difficult, for others they seem to be an inbuilt skill. I have parents who for different reasons had solitary childhoods and was brought up in the 50s when there was damn all available in the way of social groups before starting school in the term after your 5th birthday. Anything to do with social interaction has been a long learning curve for me (and I have worked hard at it). Polite platitudes haven't quite made it on to the curriculum yet.

This is something autistic people usually do need to work on.

You certainly don't switch to make it about you. which example 3 does.

Or maybe you do if you think a conversation is all about you and your interests.

I think it is interesting to read this comment against the comment that so often appears in threads about "elderly people" - "and she always talks about neighbours who I don't know and are of absolutely no interest to me".It's as if elderly people are held to higher conversational standards. Or maybe it's because we're not looking to elderly people as potential new friends.

There are definitely people that like to be contrary and make it awkward for no reason. I’m a hairdresser so have conversations with lots of different people in my job. The vast majority are absolutely lovely, but I get the odd contrarian.

It usually goes something like:

client: We’ve just got back from holiday in Greece
me: wow sounds lovely, I’m so envious
C: actually it was awful, rained the whole time and we all caught covid and lost our luggage
me: Oh that’s a shame, so annoying when bags go missing
C: They didn’t “go missing”, the airline lost them!
me: Typical.
C: well no actually it’s the first time it’s ever happened to me
etc

I literally don’t care either way, just trying to politely sympathise! Argh.

I think this is the crux of it, isn’t it? As a hairdresser, you are being friendly, nice, as part of your job, but this person wants to offload and have a gratifying whinge, and your attempts to empathise sound like you aren’t getting the full magnitude of their nightmare 😂

It must be tough.

All that's missing from those responses are the polite platitudes. "He was wasn't he? He's still cute now" "Do you think so? I think Debbie is too" "Oh that's a shame. We never really pushed ours with reading". I think its probably less about being deliberately awkward and more omitting the verbal softeners that help when you want to express another view.

I think this really makes sense.

Trying to analyse why.

Situ 1 - Adds to the speakers point ( rather than appearing defensive )

Situ 2 - Also builds on the first point, with another view added.

Situ 2 - Shows empathy before making a comparison. Also the comparison now comes across as a possibly helpful suggestion on how to proceed.

Makes all the difference tbh.

Rather than just "batting the ball back " the other person seems to be trying to engage.

Just as @DoopSnoggySnogg is trying to take on what her client is saying and engage.

I don't know anyone like this perhaps it's the people you are mixing with.

😂
Think you are the person the op is talking about.

I read something on here once which resonated that said something like don't always listen to reply.....(I am paraphrasing and probs not expressing it right)!

But I find people do this - want to find solutions.

I know I am guilty of it with my kids for eg because as their mum I want to make everything better.

So if the convo was for eg- 'Jane is always getting picked for the play' I might respond with 'well she's not always - remember the time when johnny was picked...'

When in fact they don't want a solution, they just want empathy. So a better response from me would be 'it does feel like that, doesn't it. That must be really frustrating...'

So yes, oppositional or alternative solutions are not always what people want.