Why do some people have conversations like this? AIBU or is it really annoying!

[Cookiecrumblepie]

"Your dog was so cute as a puppy".
"Well, he is cute as a grown dog as well".

"Sandra is really clever".
"I've always thought Debbie is very clever".

"My son is struggling a bit with reading".
"We never pushed our children with reading".

Someone who never agrees with anything said and is always insinuating something with their response or making a statement that is irrelevant. AIBU or is this conversation style really strange? It's so annoying!

It’s because there is an in bred defensiveness. Honestly, they cannot experience conversations as pleasant, it has been modeled to them that conversations are confrontational, one-up manship.

They literally do not know how to have a conversation.

It depends why the person is disagreeing I guess?

If they are genuinely being awkward yes it’s a bit draining and predictable.

But I enjoy talking to people with different perspectives. I would far rather talk to someone who has a different point of view than with someone who agrees with me all the time.

I completely agree with this observation OP! I find it really difficult as, like I'm your examples, I feel like they're insinuating I was saying something I wasn't and then I feel I have to walk on eggshells.

People who speak like this also often seem to want to give me random pieces of advice I didn't ask for and aren't relevant to the situation.

No 2 is sidestepping "I don't think Sandra is clever", no 3 - well what do you expect them to say? "Oh dear, I'm sorry he's finding it hard" is a bit of a conversation-ender in its own right, and anything else is unsolicited advice.

@MereDintofPandiculation

You could say

"oh dear I'm sorry to hear that..."

"oh what makes you say that ...."

" are you trying anything to help...?"

These are all open ended questions that encourage conversations.

( the first one isn't an "ended", hopefully it puts the person at ease to talk more )

Has anyone else noticed more of this sort of thing in recent years? I don’t know if it’s the aftermath of the pandemic or just a natural consequence of so many people being so chronically online that real life interactions have become increasingly awkward.

This is hilarious! Yes I mean exactly like this.

My teen ds has ASD (may be connected) and he's like this. It's bloody infuriating.

He was very oppositional as a small child (which is ASD) and I wonder if it's just a milder version.

He's also obsessively woke/inclusive and I think a lot of it is related to that.

Most of his comments feel quite random like in your second example. He is repeatedly called out on it and it's getting better, now just needs an eye roll.

You could try having conversations that aren't based around your judgements of people, things or situations, if you lead with an opinion people will respond with theirs, try open questions or factual statements or just be open to hearing that someone has a different opinion to you.

Sandra is clever
The dog was cute
Your child is struggling.

Try we went to the theatre last week had a lovely evening
Or how've you been? Or you said you were having the garden done how did it go?

But I enjoy talking to people with different perspectives. I would far rather talk to someone who has a different point of view than with someone who agrees with me all the time.

It's not really about disagreeing - it's about closing down conversations.

YANBU it's very annoying.

It's not even the disagreeing in of itself. For "conversation" two something like "really? But don't you remember that incident where Sandra...." would at least be a disagreement that continues on from what the first person has said.

It's actually people who never ask a question back.

@sunglassesonthetable yes exactly. Always disagreeing but never really engaging or caring about what is being said. Never asking a question back, not really having a conversation more like an endless fight. So tiring.

Yeah, I’ve experienced this. I just don’t engage once I recognise it.

Yes! Can’t type more atm but so much this.

@Cookiecrumblepie I totally get it. It’s weird because then they will say how much they enjoyed seeing you!

My brother is like this and it's exhausting.

It's not so much that he disagrees, but more that he feels the need to point out ALL sides. But sometimes it is just disagreeing.

If I state even the most benign observation, he absolutely MUST present another opinion - it could be the same as mine, just subtly stated differently, or it could be an opposing one. Doesn't matter.

Exhausting.

I think some people are in the habit of thinking a conversation is telling people things rather than a conversation being about listening.

With the puppy one, I think person A is being a bit insensitive- dog owners/lovers hate the idea that people buy a puppy and abandon them when they are no longer so cute, also they are in love with their ‘baby’ and still see them as cute. To say ‘they were cute as a puppy’ is like saying ‘I don’t think your dog is cute any more’. So the owner is getting snappy and defensive.

With the Sandra one, it is really annoying and judgemental to single out a person to define them as ‘very clever’, sort of putting them in a box or on a pedestal where others don’t belong, it causes derision. It’s ungracious and un-charming. My FIL does this self-important, kind of wistful pose and announces “Blah blah is a very intelligent woman” and you think “What - are all these women here, including me, as thick as pig shit?”.

With the reading thing, I imagine there is an insecurity there about how much effort they made - so person B is being more unreasonable.

I have an aunt who would just cut down every attempt to chat down dead and it was really awkward, I once said “Do have any plans for summer?” and she curtly replied “I don’t make plans”. That was the end of that conversation. However, since then she has started doing loads of trips and is completely different, much more easy to talk to.

So over all, I think that the examples as attempts to make conversation in the OP seem a bit judgemental or possibly competitive. The sort of person you can’t get the measure of and you think “Where are you going with this?”, like they’re digging for information or trying to find your weak spots.

Yeah, I sometimes found my ex a bit like this. He had this annoying habit that I’d make a comment/observation/opinion and he’d immediately have to counter it. It was like he could never bring himself to just say “yeah, I know what you mean…”

It felt like a wedge between us

Yes, I know exactly what you mean!

I was friends with a woman like this for years. I could never put my finger on why she was so irritating. She wasn't saying anything horrible but she always 'corrected' me. It was incessant, incredibly boring and made conversations utterly pointless. There was no benefit to raising it with her as she'd seize the opportunity to try to identify a 'weak point'.

As a hypothetical example
"Partner ended up in a strip club on his weekend away. I'm furious with him and we now aren't talking."
"Men are visual creatures and women's bodies are beautiful. There's no need to stifle his masculinity."
"I'm not stifling anything. I told him my views on this and he promised to respect my boundaries. "
"I think talking about boundaries is just a good topic to hide behind if you don't want to admit to feeling insecure. You mentioned wanting to get back in shape. Why not focus on that?"

Blah blah blah.

MN can read like this sometimes, with OP's being forensically held to account for every word written, and argued with endlessly.
Tedious in real life and tedious to read.
I have met people like this IRL and studiously avoid them!

Would I be right in assuming these people are know it alls in general? They can't just let someone say something without having something they deem more superior to share.

Oh yes, this pisses me off. Like my family member in my family watching me cook and remarking "Oh you do it that way do you, I always do it this way, my mum told us to always do it this way". I respond that I do it this way because I'm disabled. My family member replies "we were brought up to do it this way. Always always had to so it this way, wouldn't know any other way". Me (again), I'm disabled. I physically can't do it any other way. Family member "Well my mum forced us to do it this way, Oh yes, we all had to learn even if we struggled". FUCK OFF AUNTY JUNE.

Yes absolutely. Don't know if pandemic related or not but I was out of the country for several years, returned in 2020 and I felt a really significant difference in how people communicated.

It feels more aggressive to me now but maybe some would say it's more direct. People disagree more bluntly now and I feel are less likely to give people the benefit of the doubt.

I find it quite anxiety-inducing as I feel conversations become a conflict out of nowhere.

The dog one for example - I think it's overly defensive to assume that someone commenting your dog was "cute as a puppy" means they think it's ugly now.

Puppies are generally seen as cute. The person was just saying that as far as puppies go, yours was particularly cute. They probably still think the adult dog is cute but people love puppies so it's not a crazy thing to say.

Even if they don't think your adult dog is the cutest they've ever seen, it still seems like their intention is to be kind about your dog.

Generally I'd give someone I liked enough to talk to about my dog the benefit of the doubt.

So even if it did feel a bit clumsy of them to say, I might have said "yes I know he was so adorable then. Well I still think he is cute now obviously but I know what you mean. Hey do you remember Jens puppy with the little beard thing? How cute was he? Do you hear from her anymore?"

It's still pointing out that your dog is cute now but is a sort of polite conversational dance that everyone I knew did growing up that I guess saves face for both parties. You say it, move right past it and continue the conversation in a friendly manner.

To be as blunt as OPs examples does feel like the person is shutting conversation down and feels awkward to me.

Ruth Duggan is a PERFECT example, so like a close female relative of mine I felt quite triggered by the videos 😬

On the rare occasions I speak to her she is so argumentative, everything that comes out of my mouth has to be corrected or argued against, yet she's in agreement with everyone else! And the silences - so very uncomfortable. I'm very glad I'm extremely LC with her now.