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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 23/07/2024 21:55

I would really peed off. My DS did go through a very difficult stage at about 15 and i got bored of trying to reason with him, and I did just let him get on with it in the end. After about 3 weeks he did improve.

I would recommend just leave them to it, don't moan, or nag.

All the snacks will be gone in a couple of days. Do not buy anymore.

Make yourself a nice meal that you can either share with them, or pop the remainder in the fridge or freezer for you for another night. If they "urgh" over it, just smile ruefully and say "that's all there is".

Go out as arranged with your friends.

Do not do their laundry.

When they moan, say if you want to be treated with respect, treat me with respect.

pollyglot · 23/07/2024 21:59

Take a week's break, treat yourself and go to somewhere lovely like a spa. Do nothing at all for them.They have an allowance and can buy their own food, Don't give in to them. Have their father call in each night to ensure that there are no parties. You need to join forces on this one...they're playing you off against each other. Their behaviour is despicable.

boydoggies · 23/07/2024 22:04

OP it was lovely to read that last paragraph. So pleased that you are giving yourself some 'ME' time.

I have 3 teenagers and totally get how you feel.
Mine aren't in quite so rude, but they certainly have their moments!
They are absolute slobs, despite promoting tidiness (not a clean freak or house proud) , dirty washing in bin etc. I try my best to ignore their disgusting pits, but sometimes it really gets to me.
However, like you i have committed - quite rightly the last 17 years to these stinkers and am becoming more selfish. It's time to find me again and I'm rather excited about it!

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/07/2024 22:06

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 20:01

Their Dad lives 3 hours away and is supportive. We get on very well, he has the same trouble (daughter especially very rude to him) but he doesn't see them as often and he used to becsuse they are much older now and don't really like going up there.

He gives them an allowance as well and tells them its for things like going out with mates, or things they need, but they just blow it on make up and the xbox.

I would suggest that you send them both to their dad for a few weeks. Tough shit if they "don't really like going up there" being sent there is the consequences of being horrible to you. You need a break. You need them out of your face. Present it as a fait accompli - no choice, they're going.

"I guess I'm just thinking its best to muddle on as best we can until they are both old enough to leave. They always tell me they don't want to live here with me as I'm so strict/boring/nagging/tight so I say the day you turn 18 off you go!"
Well since they "always tell me they don't want to live here with me" they have no argument to not go to their dad's for a bit.

As others have said - you need to cut their allowance to zero. They can earn through chores, or do without. Who pays for their phones? I'd make them earn them too. It sounds like they need to learn that everything - EVERYTHING! - costs money and there is no such thing as a free lunch. They are taking such liberties, I think they have to be presented with very tight boundaries.

Speak with their dad. You say he's supportive, so let him support. At 14 and 16 it's not as if he can't still go to work - and then he can spend the time with his children and give you a much-needed break from these constant battles.

Combattingthemoaners · 23/07/2024 22:08

They will look back and regret how they have treated you but only once they have moved out and realised adult life is tough. You sound like a lovely mother. I used to tell my mum she was boring, everyone else’s mum was cooler, she was a nag etc etc. I’ll spend the rest of her life making it up to her as she’s the most selfless person I know. Yours will get there eventually!

Galoop · 23/07/2024 22:09

If your teens can't even be polite to you, why are you giving them allowance. Let alone phones, WiFi etc. You're doing them a disservice letting them being ungrateful brats, time for a serious chat with them followed up with some consequences

PadstowGirl · 23/07/2024 22:15

I've never been one to start with namby pamby consequences or with holding things. I'm from Irish stock, Im tougher than they are 😂 and though I've NEVER had to shout at them, they know I could and would.
The secret is to not show your hand of cards. Mine have never seen me really angry and I think they are a tiny bit afraid to.

Failing that, enrol them in army cadets.

viques · 23/07/2024 22:16

How come you are so articulate OP yet your daughter speaks so ungrammatically?

Gymnopedie · 23/07/2024 22:16

OP you are thoroughly worn down by it al and that's what they're relying on. That you're too tired and fed up to fight back.

You have to find your anger, even if it's fake it till you make it.

DD does her own washing but only hers. If anything is ruined it's no-one else's problem.

DS does his washing. If he doesn't put a peg on your nose until his friends tell him he stinks. That will get him moving where you can't.

No more allowance. Let them tantrum, hold firm. Tell them you will not be spoken to like shit and and then be expected to dole out the cash.

Beans on toast for every meal (for them). It's actually reasonably nutritious. If they don't like it, tough. As you will be stopping their allowance their ability to order in pizza will be somewhat curtailed.

As per a PP - anything left in the kitchen goes into their room. (You may need to buy some paper plates and disposable cutlery until they learn you're serious.)

Rudeness - wifi off. Let them shout. Develop a thick skin so that they can't get to you. Walk away.

Muck in the bathroom, either throw it away or let the fact that they have no allowance anymore let it come to a natural end when they can't replace it when they've run out.

In summary - don't be the mum you've become. Stand up to them. Get ex onside. They'll die of shock when they realise you're not playing at this, you mean it.

SnappyCroc · 23/07/2024 22:17

If I were you, I'd quietly exit in the morning with the router in my bag and stay out with friends until the evening. Leave some food (which needs to be prepared) in the fridge, but nothing else. Answer any messages with "The house elf is currently out of office but will respond on her return".

Gonners · 23/07/2024 22:18

I was about to suggest something along the lines of what @pollyglot said. Many years ago, my then-partner's ex-wife was having trouble coping with their 3 boys, aged about 11, 8 and 5 (give or take a year or so). He picked them up one weekend, right at the start of the school summer holidays. and got home to a message on the answerphone to say she was at the airport, off to visit her family in Japan, and would be back in 6 weeks. This was pre-mobile phone days.

He was off on a business trip abroad on the Monday and obviously expected me to Deal With It. I just wished him luck and went home!

<on edit> though I did think perhaps 6 weeks was excessive!

RamonaRamirez · 23/07/2024 22:28

It sounds like you are trying to please them all the time, why take them out if they are arses?

Why fill the hordes with nutritious food and lovingly cooked meals?

How do you react if they are rude to you? I feel that you just take it? I would say (shout) they cannot talk to me like that and seriously limit their allowance if they treat me like Shit!

Honestly try and find some self respect then start to stand up for yourself

do they have a dad? How does he treat you

You deserve better and this is not normal teenage behaviour

i would leave them to it a lot more, and limit their allowance massively!

VestaTilley · 23/07/2024 22:35

Cut the generous allowance - why on earth do they get that?

Remove x box and phones for the summer. Do not give either back. Teach them manners.

NotSoHotMess24 · 23/07/2024 22:37

"I can't cook in this kitchen, it's filthy where you've left everything unwashed. I'm taking myself out for dinner using what would have been your allowance. Yes, I would love to live in an asylum but here we all are. Byyyyeee!!"

Really, let them miss you. And if they don't miss you, at least you'll be somewhere nice, away from them.

NotSoHotMess24 · 23/07/2024 22:39

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:57

I am so downtrodden and miserable with it all though. I do take away their phones (Block them on Qustodio app) but then they get even worse and I am now at the point where a quite life takes priority over trying to raise decent human beings. I know how terrble that sounds but hey ho, it's true.

I did stop doing their laundry for a while. Told them both that if everything is downstairs, pockets emptied, everything the right way, so no bunched up socks, that I will do the laundry for them but if not they would have no clean clothes.
Son wasn't bothered in the slightest and would still be decaying in smelly clothes to this day and daughter eventually gave in but wouldn't empty her pockets and a whole wash was ruined by a blusher that made it's way into the machine, so now I have to double check everything (hence the power pack accusation)

Good that the clothes were ruined (assuming they were all hers?), a good life lesson in doing laundry properly!

AliceMcK · 23/07/2024 22:41

I think if I got to this point I’d stop coming home after work (assuming you work), I’d be going out for a quiet meal, come home, go to bed, get up go out, come home go to bed… I’d stop giving pocket money, I’d only buy basic food once a week, do my own washing or even take it to a laundromat. Basically don’t do zip for them. I think I could put up with a shit hole for a house to teach them a lesson. I’d also be removing the Xbox and router from the house and if you pay their mobile bills stop.

Leave them a note, when you two learn to treat me and the home I provide for you with respect then I’m willing to listen, until then you don’t get the privileges I have provided for you any longer.

SwordToFlamethrower · 23/07/2024 22:42

Take their phone chargers away of you can't prize the phones out of their hands.

Replace them with simple Nokias.

MrsSunshine2b · 23/07/2024 22:43

Change the wifi password, leave them a list of chores and tell them they can have the password when they've done them and go and have a nice day out.

And make the allowance dependent on good behaviour.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 23/07/2024 22:44

Boot camp time.
They get their allowance. Not a penny more. 6 weeks holiday they can find jobs babysitting, clearing up in a cafe, glass washing in a pub.My kids had all of these jobs starting with babysitting at 12/13.
They have house jobs to do. If they won’t do them, no allowance.
Stick to your guns, they shout , swear at you, diss the food you cook then they go without.
I had a battle with younger dc that lasted a few months, emptied their bedroom apart from a bed and a chest of drawers. Had to earn it all back. Was pre internet days though. You can always change password and it goes on on your terms.
Harsh but they have to learn respect.

and send them to their dad while you have a break.

Lolatusernamesuggestions · 23/07/2024 22:49

I do a lot of policing and taking phones and privileges away for bad behaviour. Lots of praise for good behaviour and exam results. Sometimes I think I'm going backwards. Tonight I was laid out with flu and heard my ten year old hoovering his room to my amazement and my 13 year old announced she was making us all dinner. She brought my food up and even arranged the boys some fruit on a plate in a little pattern. I was gob smacked. Absolutely not meant to be goadey but to show teens are capable of being sensible and nice. She declared it was mainly to stop me passing flu to her via the food as she really wants to see her friend this week 🤣 so you can't win on everything.

Sagarmatha · 23/07/2024 22:51

Stop giving them £
Remove all devices (which I assume you pay for????)
Turn the WiFi off completely
Require each to get a job
Stop cooking any meals and set up a cooking rota

Start a chore rota
Eg whoever cooks doesn't clear up
Reward good helpful behaviour

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 23/07/2024 22:52

Muddy shoes and they wouldn’t have even crossed the threshold of the door. Ordeting pizza? With what money, certainly not if they can’t be bothered to chip in with jobs around the house. Money has to be earned.
No internet or devices until jobs are done. End of.
What if you want from X shop? Well, you’ll have to come with me otherwise I’m not getting it. Lots of carrot dangling for these donkeys.

Sagarmatha · 23/07/2024 22:53

Allthehorsesintheworld · 23/07/2024 22:44

Boot camp time.
They get their allowance. Not a penny more. 6 weeks holiday they can find jobs babysitting, clearing up in a cafe, glass washing in a pub.My kids had all of these jobs starting with babysitting at 12/13.
They have house jobs to do. If they won’t do them, no allowance.
Stick to your guns, they shout , swear at you, diss the food you cook then they go without.
I had a battle with younger dc that lasted a few months, emptied their bedroom apart from a bed and a chest of drawers. Had to earn it all back. Was pre internet days though. You can always change password and it goes on on your terms.
Harsh but they have to learn respect.

and send them to their dad while you have a break.

Brilliant !

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/07/2024 22:53

The problem is really that they know that you, as a parent, have a duty and obligation to care for them (provide food and necessities), while they have absolutely no duty of care for you. You were, in their eyes, put on earth to serve them.

The only way to break this belief of theirs is to just...not. Be out as much as is physically possible, provide food and facilities but don't cook or wash or clean for them.Barricade yourself in a lovely room (bedroom?) with nice food, your laptop and TV and lots of books and only emerge to point dramatically at the full fridge or washing machine when they moan. No lifts, no extras other than the pure basics that you have to provide as a parent. And tell them this will continue as long as they continue to treat you as a slave.

Well, it's worth a shot....

Sagarmatha · 23/07/2024 22:56

Barricading yourself away sounds odd. I wouldn't.

Just remove everything nice from their lives, and as a pp said,.make them earn it back.