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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
LoveSandbanks · 23/07/2024 20:45

I’ve got a 15 year old and a 19 year old and if they treated me like this I’d down tools. No washing, no cooking nothing. And absolutely NO POCKET MONEY, no lifts, absolutely fuck all until they treated me with some respect.

elaineyadayada · 23/07/2024 20:46

You poor thing OP. I can relate as the number of times I have asked mine to pick up their clothes in the bathroom. I would be going nuclear. This is not acceptable.
Two questions

  1. Like a previous poster said - how much real backup are you getting from their dad. I think you may have to get him to speak to them both. Sons at this age in particular I think really need their fathers. Although I have a good relationship with mine their dad often has to back me up, lay down some ground rules or reiterate them for my two boys to listen.
  2. Even with the above - if I could afford it I would ask for back up. A family mediator to help you set boundaries and agree in a family meeting some general standards. It might sound crazy and a bit dramatic but they have been acting like this for a while from your account. I think you might need to re-frame it as a family problem that you all need to resolve. Also another (skilled) adult will help reinforce the idea that the way they are treating you impacts you and them. They are getting too much for ‘free’ with no sense of responsibility to you or the family unit.
  3. You could take both approaches and also get their father to take away the tech.
  4. I would recommend Gabor Mate’s book ‘Why Parents need to matter more than peers’ - I think a previous poster referred to it.
1983Louise · 23/07/2024 20:46

Can you move without telling them.........

Magnificentkitteh · 23/07/2024 20:47

Genuine question as I'm just entering the teen phase but does this confiscating stuff, turning WiFi approach actually work? My dd1 is ND so perhaps different but I just can't imagine it. We would just end up in a power struggle, od have confiscated all her stuff, she would not have changed her behaviour but would br seething mad at the injustice, and neither of us would be happy. I tend to have to appeal to her better nature (or get angry and shout like a pp said). Which will escalate things but then there'll be a climb down, we will both apologise and make up and can have a civilised conversation.

JudgeJ · 23/07/2024 20:48

gynaeissue · 23/07/2024 20:03

Cut off their allowance and limit their device time. Go out so you don’t have to listen to them moan. They can earn both back by doing chores and being pleasant to you and each other.

CHange the wifi code every couple of days.

BellesAndGraces · 23/07/2024 20:48

Remember OP, you’re bigger, badder and uglier than they will ever be. Don’t let babies shout you down.

Bignanna · 23/07/2024 20:49

Tell them they’ve been written out of your will!

Magnificentkitteh · 23/07/2024 20:49

I think I'm in team fuck off and leave them to it

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2024 20:49

Take wifi router on your nice costal walk and hide all the chargers

Hankunamatata · 23/07/2024 20:50

And no money until they cam speak to you like a human being

Orquid · 23/07/2024 20:52

You cook for them while they are on holidays; you do their laundry and gave them a very fair allowance and you are not spoiling them?

LaMadameCholet · 23/07/2024 20:53

I’m really sorry you are going through this, it’s horrible. I have teens, I work with teens all day and I know it’s hard BUT it really really doesn’t have to be this way. Don’t buy into to the popular perception that all teens are horrible always (some are, most can be occasionally) because most are nice most of the time, given the right conditions. You HAVE to tell them what you expect, anticipate the odd fuck up by them but just keep going, you must stick to it. They secretly want you to take charge. Sit them down and calmly tell them that things can’t go on as they are, and there are new rules. If they start to leave, or argue, turn the WiFi off,and make it clear that they only have to be quiet for 5 minutes, but they have to listen if they want the WIFI back on and this week’s pocket money.

i would echo the poster above who suggested 5 basic rules (don’t ask for too much, make it easy to remember) but TELL them what they are - this is not a negotiation. You choose your own, but mine would be - Sort your own laundry, and put clean clothes away, Keep yourself and your room clean, Clean up after yourself in communal rooms, Be polite and kind to family members, guests and pets, All phones handed in at 10pm.

If these rules are kept daily you earn access to the WiFi, if these are kept weekly you earn pocket money and some say over household menus. If they are kept monthly you earn a bonus (item of clothing/ game/ takeaway).

You can do it OP, I promise you this works xxx

reluctantbrit · 23/07/2024 20:53

They are old enough to be left alone during the day.

Change the wifi-password or disable it if you don't need it. Block the mobile data on their phones. They can phone and text.

No more cooking and laundry for them, buy food you like and not for them. Wash up your crockery/cuterly and bin what is left by them (basically put it away, you don't want to replace it)

Stop pocket money and get their dad to do it as well.

Go out for day trips, see friends.

Sit back and wait.

Come up with a plan when they complain. Certain chores and decent behaviour for a set amount of time and privileges will be returned.

hot2trotter · 23/07/2024 20:54

Stop giving them an 'allowance' for a start. They can earn it.

Barney16 · 23/07/2024 20:54

I would just leave them to it and go do my own thing. They sound awful so remove yourself and do lovely things.

Cherrysoup · 23/07/2024 20:56

No, don’t just wait for them to fuck off, it could be years!

Stop all money/financial support eg paying for phones until they do as asked-reasonable requests eg various chores. You don’t do their washing/cooking/anything. You’re their mother, not a fucking maid.

How much time are the6 spending with their dad this holiday? Can you increase it?

Eviebeans · 23/07/2024 20:57

Don’t automatically give them any money - none at all
there is food in your cupboards and you aren’t obliged to give treats to people who are treating you like shit
when they question this probably by screaming and shouting
explain that when they can talk quietly you can all discuss how they can earn some money back - a fiver at a time
tell them that you don’t care if they don’t as you won’t give them any money and will spend it on treating yourself instead- and mean it
they will act badly for as long as it doesn’t have a negative impact on them

AuntyMermaid · 23/07/2024 20:58

I found this article on Facebook when my teenage daughter was just like this! She is now 18 and such a kind and wonderful young lady, I promise it does get better:

If you have a teenager, or a soon-to-be-teen, this is for you...

Remember, stick with them 💛

Dear Mom and Dad,

Please stick with me.

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math SAT doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.
You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.

Please stick with me.

Here’s what you can do for me

  1. Model adulting.
I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.
  1. Let me figure things out for myself.
If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.
  1. Tell me about you.
I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.
  1. Help me with perspective.
Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.
  1. Keep me safe.
Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.
  1. Be kind.
I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.
  1. Show interest in the things I enjoy.
Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested. One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.

Please stick with me.

Love,

Your Teenager

grownandflown.com/letter-from-teen-to-parents/

waltzingparrot · 23/07/2024 20:59

I give mine one domestic job each per day M-F and they have to make one family meal per week - honestly I find this really useful, more so than charging them board. They do it uncomplainingly - they'd have to pay board if they didn't.

You're going to have to sit them down and tell them there are new house rules - whatever you want them to be, and don't go soft.

VividQuoter · 23/07/2024 21:01

You are giving them too much money.

quintessentially166 · 23/07/2024 21:04

There is loads of good advice on here. Good luck but what ever you decide to do try and get their dad to have the same/similar rules

HighlandCowbag · 23/07/2024 21:08

Stop all the nice things. That includes Internet and phones and stuff like sky tv. Take tvs and laptops and gaming stations out of their room. Stop washing and cleaning and cooking. Literally be them.

I completely get anything for a quiet life. I'm 5 months in to dd coming home unexpectedly from uni and have ds 10 as well. But I really wouldn't tolerate any of that shit.

Is there anywhere you can go stay for a week or so? Dp, friend, parents. I'd fuck off, taking the router with me and block Internet on their phones. Let them do a few days going 'argh fuck you'. Followed by running out of bread, milk, clean pants etc.

FangsForTheMemory · 23/07/2024 21:09

I would say no wifi, no phones and absolutely no pocket money, and get their dad to do the same. They can earn money by doing their own washing, by cleaning up after themselves, by getting their own meals (have a rota for this) and by getting weekend jobs. They are old enough. If they complain, tell them you're treating them like adults since they think they're old enough to be rude to you.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 23/07/2024 21:11

OP both you and their dad need to sit them down and tell them, not explain, not plead, not ask but tell them that their behaviour is ridiculous and has to stop now. Have a list made out of what they have to do
shoes off at the door
laundry
clean rooms
take out rubbish
eat what's there or do without
clean up after themselves, bathroom cleaned after use, dishes in dishwasher, muddy footprints mopped up

Tell them their rudeness will not be tolerated, if they keep a civil tongue in their head, clean up and in general behave themselves then they can keep their allowance, devices, use of the wifi. You will have to be firm and show consequences at the first hurdle. The first rude comment, the first leaving the bathroom sloppy, the first time they won't sort their washing, you have to show them: money stopped, devices taken away, wifi off. If you don't they will continue as they are and become lazy, useless, abusive adults.

It might be an idea to give them their allowance in stages. If you give them £20 a week change it to £10 twice a week, behaviour has to be good in between to get the weeks full amount.

Their dad has to be on board with this, they have to see you have each other's backs and neither will give in so he's going to have to give them the same talk and set the same rules and show the same consequences.

BusyMum47 · 23/07/2024 21:14

Stop doing ANYTHING for them, stop cooking them meals, stop shopping for foods they like, turn off the WiFi, cancel their phone contracts, stop giving them money, etc. Make their lives crap!

Leave them to fester & spend the Summer doing your own thing. Rude, ungrateful little shits!!

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