To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

Change the WiFi code, give them chores to do to earn it from you.

Absolutely, TheNuthatch. Not yet seen how period products entered the thread but this has no correlation with the issue and just creates anxiety for the DD and more resentment. That’s awful and immature parenting.

Just a thought, but maybe instead of stopping pocket money just reduce it, and agree with their father that he won’t give them extra as that would undermine what you are trying to achieve. Then literally pay them to do chores. Have a set amount for each task and require proof of completion. I’m not talking about things such as keeping their rooms tidy (too easy to deliberately make a mess then get paid for the clean up!) I mean specific household tasks eg washing up, laundry, taking the rubbish out etc things that benefit everyone in the household - even cooking a family meal if one of them is up to it! So instead of asking them to clean up after they’ve used the bathroom, one of them will get paid to clean the entire bathroom however often you want it done, regardless of who makes the mess. So it’s not about clearing up after themselves, it’s about helping with general household tasks. That in itself will probably make them more aware of the mess they are making. Dad can do the same if he wants to at his house. And remember to praise good work as well as paying cash!

Bully for you... my youngest was 6'5 at 16yo, I would not be wresting his possessions from his hands. Even if I was in any way able to physically overpower my teen boys to take their belongings from them, I think it would have been entirely inappropriate to do so, not to mention incredibly inflammatory.

My sons the same height and age, if he was acting in the way the OPs son was i can assure you id be wrestling the phone i pay for (because im guessing OP foots the bill) out his hands. My son was being completely disrespectful so his phone was removed and he learned.
In the circumstances OP is describing, her son in no way deserves a phone that he most certainly doesnt pay for.

Why would you need to be overpowering him? Do you allow your children to be physically reactive towards you? I've never lifted a hand to my kids and they certainly wouldn't lift their hands to me, 6ft 5 or otherwise.

And that includes trying to stop me taking something from them. They're not his possessions, you bought them and while he lives under your rules he's not entitled to them if he's not behaving.

Exactly this!

OP lone parent, work full time with an ADHD DD15.

You sound exhausted.

Own oxygen mask on here first.

Please take a break, get them to their Dads for a weekend or week, get yourself out to see friends, coffee, massage.

When they come back start deploying any tactics on here you think will work.

My tips. Car time, they can talk about what they want with you. If they don't talk then tell them something interesting about you, you as a teen.
Chores, or there is no reward, praise every small good they do and get in there for a big hug.

Roar, when they are absolute assholes, they need to know.

Mine gets right in my space sometimes, in my room, I tell her to leave when she's being an asshole.

It's a really tough time, I'm in the thick of it too. Plus I have a heavy career so it a balancing act.

Try to have some fun with them too though, something they want to do, paddle boarding or trip to a city etc (but only if they have been nice)

yes, yes and a hundred times yes.

East European here and absolutely horrified at what I’m reading. I mean, horrified.

Had I ever behaved like these teens do, had I ever dared to speak to my parents in the way these teens do… whoa, my possessions would have been sent flying to Neptune with me flying right behind them. And I had loads of autonomy and pretty chilled out parents in general, but that kind of language and attitude would not have been tolerated.

Yes, some allowances were made, but this idea that “they’re teens, what can you do” simply doesn’t exist. There’s plenty that parents can do.

If my room was such a stinking mess they’d empty all the drawers, throw all of my possessions onto the floor, take away all of my electronics etc and make me clean it up. I’d have received no money, no privileges, no right to leave the house, until I learned to behave.

I'm not sure how cultural it is. I'm neither Asian nor Eastern European, just a bit Irish I guess, but in my family we took the same approach - swearing and disrespect from teenagers or anyone else were NOT tolerated for ONE SECOND, the DC knew that was the deal from an early age and nothing changed when they were teens. Equally, I did not swear at them or disrespect them, their feelings or their possessions. Somehow it was also unacceptable that they spent any significant time alone in their rooms, but that was before smartphones and we only had one TV, in the living room, so it was their choice really.

I'm also really shocked at the attitude that seems pretty widespread on Mumsnet that teenagers are 'vile', that rudeness is just part of the package, that parents should let them leave their bedrooms in a mess as it's 'their' space, as well as the behaviour of the OP's teens. It doesn't sound like many of the posters just sit down and talk calmly to their teenagers, just so much strife all the time.

I'm Irish - if I had tried to behave with such rudeness to my parents they would have thought I was mentally ill.

I have teens and while they aren't angels I just don't recognise this behaviour as normal. Their rooms can be untidy, but I just ask them to tidy them - job done. Same with helping around the house, I just ask and they just do it. We had a sit down recently and said they've to step up a bit in tidying after themselves and take it in turns to clean the kitchen every evening and they agreed although they're often a bit slap dash. I've occasionally caught them rolling their eyes but they apologise when I mention it. Amongst my friends it's similar in that sometimes someone will have a hard time with their teenager but only momentarily or to do with larger issues.

Teens can be just awful, can't they? Makes me yearn for their young years when you were their world, they could have lots of hugs, now my DD tells me not to talk to her anywhere in the vicinity of the school gates 😂 no advice just solidarity
Add a grumpy autistic teen to an ailing mother with Alzheimer's and as a lone parent doing it all I dream of running away to a desert island fanned by Jason Momoa as Khal Drogo lookalikes 🌴

I’m none of the above, including Irish and my teens aren’t recognisable here either. Most British parents have boundaries that are enforced long before things get to how they are in the ops post, but I think most of us recognise that that is how teens would behave if they are allowed to get away with it.

So now things have hit rock bottom for the op, and she has lots of helpful suggestions to get back on track. I hope she now has the ability to enforce tough love. Pain before gain etc. And it will be painful to begin with, until they know she means business. They’ll push back enormously to begin with, but hopefully she’ll ride through that by being calm and consistent, until things begin to get better.

How are you doing op?
Good luck op.

Take the summer off. Just do your own washing, zero cleaning and leave them some food to prepare if they wish. No pocket money but offer to pay them if they do the housework.

They'll soon realise what they are missing.

I think teens can be a bit cranky, but not rude.
Mine wouldn't dream of raising their voice to me.
No dishes or eating meals in bedrooms either.
They do hang out in their rooms though at times and I think that is both normal and acceptable.
At times they have been lazy and a short sharp dose of zero tolerance has gotten them to up their game.
They have a lovely home and they need to both pitch in and appreciate it.
What the OP describes is absolutely awful behaviour and I wouldn't give them a penny, nor do a thing for them until they majorly adjusted their attitude.

Oh god I would shout so much! I remember being given loads of freedom as a teen but there was absolutely no way I would have been allowed to be rude to my parents, ever.

I can't remember doing chores at all but I cleaned up after myself in communal areas, always.
I didn't have an allowance but asked for money when and where I needed it. That kept me in check I assume, you can't go and ask for £20 when you have been a little shit.

Remember that you are not failing, they are failing you at the moment.

Ground rule: rudeness is not acceptable.
For the rest: leniency, they can keep their bedroom how they want, checking the pockets of their clothes I would actually doit, it takes one second.

Every parent is different though so I would have a think about the boundaries that you do not want to see crossed, and then gives them loads of freedom inside that frame.

They're old enough to do chores for their pocket money

Chores shouldn't be for money IMO, we all have to do chores, we don't do it for financial reasons, we do it because it's part of living. Sets the wrong precedence in my view. They should do chores as they get older as part of chipping in for the family, a matter of mutual respect, it shouldn't be on one person to do. It's probably hard to start that as teens though.

Irish here too. I can't use my own childhood and teen years as any reference as it was abusive but we've loads of teens in our family now on both sides and while there's been moody strops and some eye rolling, there's never been disrespect that's been described on here.
The majority of Irish kids are expected to help out at home from an early age so maybe it just doesn't occur to them to lose their shit when asked to do the dishes as a teen because it's just something that everyone does. Or they'd soon get reminded that their parents had to get up at the crack of dawn to milk cows/ check sheep /pick stones and had to do the turf and silage after their shift at a summer job, so count themselves lucky they get asked to wash a few dishes.

Leave. Even if just a week, but preferably longer. Don't tell them you are coming back.
Tell them they are intolerable. Pack a case.
Then go.
A hotel, a holiday let. A friend. Anywhere
Get a life. Enjoy yourself. Put yourself first, for once, nobody else will.
You're not their slave.
Tell ex you're going. Let him cope.
Stop any allowance you provide.
Then go.
Yoy deserve it. Living with selfish, abusive, lazy, entitled monsters is exhausting. It's abusive.
You deserve better.

Unplug the wifi and take it with you when you go out. They want wifi; they do chores.

This 😂

They are teenagers and teenagers can be little shits, pushing the boundaries, but, with that in mind, I'd sit them down, tell them how hurt you are about the way they behave towards you, make it clear that you won't tolerate rudeness towards you and that you expect them to be respectful at home, which means taking their shoes off at the door, etc. Be calm, but tell them that if they can't show this basic sense of decency they will get no more allowance, and mean it. Tell them it's not negotiable.

I need you to imagine being a secondary school teacher with 30-32 teenagers (with the same attitude as your children) in a class every day from September to July. I so look forward to the 6 weeks break when parents can understand what we go through on a daily basis. 🤔

Change the WiFi password every morning before they are awake. Then go out for the morning. If they have cleared up when you get home give them the password. If they are rude don't. One day of respect get the password no respect, then no password. When they behave then praise them with cooking or buying something they like for dinner.