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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
Rcgc · 27/07/2024 21:44

All good advice regarding consequences and certainly standing your ground. Certainly need ground rules laid out. But it sounds like you spend all your time doing things for them and complaining etc that you’re never engaging with them on their level. Not suggesting trips but asking them what they want to do. Try playing Xbox with your son or talking to your daughter about all the make up she uses. It sounds to me like you don’t have fun with them you always the adult in the room. If they start seeing you for you instead of nagging boring old mum. Then you might find they want to help you out and respect your wish’s more willingly.

Cheeseandcrispss · 27/07/2024 21:48

Cut the allowance all together or just a small amount, say £20 a month each total from you and their dad. They are old enough to get a part time job to learn the value of money!

Old enough too to do their own washing and cook some meals. They’ve had it way to easy and you’re looking after them like they are toddlers! You need to start withdrawing what you do and let them learn some life skills. At their age it would be lovely to become a team and enjoy time together, they need to learn to appreciate you and be more grateful.

Ideal opportunity to start in the holidays!! Tackle a few battles a week to make it more manageable! Id start with the washing- no loads are done by you from now on, including stripping their own beds and washing the sheets. If they don’t wash their clothes or beds just make comment like ‘what’s that awful b.o smell’ 😂 they’ll soon start washing

GhostMum · 27/07/2024 21:50

This is so sad. I’m so sorry you’re all so disconnected from one another. You’re even doing your best to connect and get some quality time in. I don’t know what to suggest as mine’s only little, so I’ve no experience with teens. I would be inclined to take away the phones for the whole summer (yes, completely, for the whole amount of time). Bit as a punishment, but as a way to allow for the time and headspace for you all to reconnect, instead of them having a constant distraction in their pockets. Let time slow down for them again. Let them be bored. Maybe they’ll be more inclined to spend an evening on the sofa with you watching a film. Connectedness begets respect, you just have to get to the root of the disconnect. Wishing you all the best x

Jeannie88 · 27/07/2024 23:23

Easier said than done, I know but tough love! No phone/gaming until the basics are done. As a parent and teacher, it's only when something that interferes with their personal enjoyment has an effect. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I understand completely, they really are ungrateful and selfish (though we love them and they will be wonderful adults eventually!) Even just an hour of no WiFi until their responsibilities are done, wear earplugs to drown out the moaning. X

MrsS424 · 28/07/2024 10:40

Good grief, grow a pair and be the adult in the relationship. These kids either treat u with some respect or kick them out. Dirty, ungrateful little sh*ts.

Pherian · 28/07/2024 11:32

No, and deduct a % from the allowance for every occurrence of rude and disrespectful behaviour.

Take away phones and games and tv.

If they make a mess have them clean it up.

They probably will act up more briefly to test if you’re serious. Once they experience the consequences and spend the summer grounded it will change their tune.

VeryOldMan · 28/07/2024 11:50

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

No, you are NOT being unreasonable, but sadly 'twas ever thus!
Unless brought up with the expectation that they help in the home and adhere to standards set, their sense of entitlement will always over-rule parental concerns.

Notavailabletryanotherone · 28/07/2024 12:25

I was exhausted reading this message, so much rudeness , disrespect and utter contempt for you, it’s totally understandable that you are at the end of your tether !
you don’t mention a DP so I assume you are a single parent ?
Continue to have your “me” time, and when you are feeling stronger and less angry call a family meeting and lay down some firm rules , do not shout ( even when they are rolling there eyes) tell them to keep quiet and listen because you have had enough. Have some rules of the house to hand , everything you have mentioned , shoes off before they walk in , help with shopping or do not whinge if you don’t get what you wanted , it’s not a hotel .
plates in the sink or loaded in the dish washer.
tell them to clean there own rooms , do there own washing etc
do not give them one more penny unless they do as they are told . Do not carry cash if you can help it . They have an allowance, each time they don’t do as you ask take a pound away at the end of the 2 weeks give any remaining money but not a penny more .
AND THEN STICK TO IT!
You’ve all forgotten who’s in charge, you are the parent not them and you hold all the trump cards .. good luck

ArtfulViper · 28/07/2024 12:59

Oh we had the same problem with 4 teenagers!, so the wife decided to TAKE THEM BACK IN TIME and I to them back to my military years(thry were only babies)... try these things might help but you will need to be strong.

We kept the doors locked from the inside, and the keys in the lock. They had to knock to get in, direct supervision.
She took thier phones away, and I turned off the WiFi.
If they didn't bring the washing down it didn't get done, funny how friends can turn when your minging.
They only got enough 'pocket money' for a Mars bar.
If they didn't eat dinner they had to cook themselves or go hungry

Hell, when my oldest son stole £20 from his mums purse I had him arrested. You gotta be strong, even horrible but they will change

ElectricLegs · 28/07/2024 15:24

I have commtted the cardinal sin of not reading the whole thread, but I hope what I have to say might help...

Ah the joys of single parenthood and kids who know their rights but seem to be fuzzy on their responsibilities.

Have you got a strict relative(s) who will take one or both of them in for a week to show them the error of their ways?

Otherwise get Social Services in to help. It sounds like you need support. With any luck they might be taken into care and you will get some respite.

BeFairSheep · 28/07/2024 18:14

@youcancallmebabefortheweekend

I think you've missed the point, what youre describing is not from a place of a healthy dynamic.

Deciding to go head to head into a fight with what is essentially a minor and completely dependant on you is unhinged to say the least.

The switch in conditional love when kids hit puberty is shocking to me. There's a breakdown in relationship and communications. Tbh it's a red flag to me when ever people start slagging off teenage behavior and not looking at themselves and the relationships they have with them. Having come from a family of utterly immature reactive nutcases that had a similar attitude to a lot of these posts.

Work on your relationship now or risk losing them when they're adults.

Goodtogossip · 29/07/2024 14:22

I could've written this a few years ago when my two were the same ages, they weren't quite as bad but very close. Tell them, don't ask them to tidy up communal areas & explain the consequences if they don't. If your Daughter doesn't clean the bath after using it tell her she can have a 5 minute shower each day until she starts to clean up after herself. Same with your Son. Tell him he needs to take a bowl of water into his room to shave if he doesn't start cleaning the sink in the bathroom. If they don't like the food you prepare then they go hungry of buy what they want out of the allowance you give them but once that money has gone it won't be replenished until it's next due. Have reasonable consequences for each thing that pee's you off. Be consistent & don't give in to them. If it's any consolation they do start to mature & come back to you. Me & my two are actually good friends now & both tidy up after themselves. Good Luck

Surf2Live · 29/07/2024 15:45

I used to teach high school in Auckland New Zealand where most of my students were much bigger than me. I learned quickly that for any learning to happen I had to be in charge of the classroom, up to 30 kids at a time.

Parenting is the same. It's our job as parents to teach our kids to be ready for life when they leave home. They need fiar, firm, consistent discipline for learning to happen.

Parents today have more power to get this than any generation ever before. Wifi. They want it so badly, we pay the bill and can control their access completely. We buy their devices, we own their devices, we can take them away.

This is what I'd do: Print a list of house rules, put it on the fridge. Instruct them to read them. They must do chores, must speak respectfully, must follow simple instructions without eye rolling or backchat. This is how you enforce the rules: Change the wifi password, take away their mobile devices. Do not give them any money. They will have to earn these things back as you decide.

I'd even go so far as to take the router with me when I go out. And you go out and enjoy yourself as much as you like. They're old enough to be left home alone.

Have clear firm boundaries for how you expect them to behave. Write this down somewhere private for yourself to refer to because their whining / tantrums will make you second guess yourself. Stay steadfast.

They'll scream and shout. Remain calm. It gets worse before it gets better.

When it gets better, then start teaching them the things they need to know before they leave home. How to cook, clean, do their own laundry, apply for a job, apply for a flat to live in, tenancy laws, basic social manners. It's our job as parents to ready our kids for the world, and it's so important, you can't give up on them.

Honestly, teenagers NEED boundaries. Their job is to constantly test you. They need fair and firm boundaries to feel loved and safe.

I always think boundaries are best set for toddlers, then when you get to teenage years you'll have a relatively easy time in that respect. But it's never too late.

For some further ideas I'd recommend Super Nanny. She's brilliant. Calm, loving, fair and firm. Watch episodes with teens. She's great.

Goldengamer · 29/07/2024 19:05

THIS

Sagarmatha · 29/07/2024 21:19

Surf2Live · 29/07/2024 15:45

I used to teach high school in Auckland New Zealand where most of my students were much bigger than me. I learned quickly that for any learning to happen I had to be in charge of the classroom, up to 30 kids at a time.

Parenting is the same. It's our job as parents to teach our kids to be ready for life when they leave home. They need fiar, firm, consistent discipline for learning to happen.

Parents today have more power to get this than any generation ever before. Wifi. They want it so badly, we pay the bill and can control their access completely. We buy their devices, we own their devices, we can take them away.

This is what I'd do: Print a list of house rules, put it on the fridge. Instruct them to read them. They must do chores, must speak respectfully, must follow simple instructions without eye rolling or backchat. This is how you enforce the rules: Change the wifi password, take away their mobile devices. Do not give them any money. They will have to earn these things back as you decide.

I'd even go so far as to take the router with me when I go out. And you go out and enjoy yourself as much as you like. They're old enough to be left home alone.

Have clear firm boundaries for how you expect them to behave. Write this down somewhere private for yourself to refer to because their whining / tantrums will make you second guess yourself. Stay steadfast.

They'll scream and shout. Remain calm. It gets worse before it gets better.

When it gets better, then start teaching them the things they need to know before they leave home. How to cook, clean, do their own laundry, apply for a job, apply for a flat to live in, tenancy laws, basic social manners. It's our job as parents to ready our kids for the world, and it's so important, you can't give up on them.

Honestly, teenagers NEED boundaries. Their job is to constantly test you. They need fair and firm boundaries to feel loved and safe.

I always think boundaries are best set for toddlers, then when you get to teenage years you'll have a relatively easy time in that respect. But it's never too late.

For some further ideas I'd recommend Super Nanny. She's brilliant. Calm, loving, fair and firm. Watch episodes with teens. She's great.

Spot on!!

Aussiemade · 03/08/2024 07:25

Stop Stop everything. They are old enough to do their own clothes washing. If they don’t they wear dirty clothes
If they are in their rooms - good out of sight out of mind.
Provide food you can afford if they don’t want it, stop cooking immediately. Let them go hungry, it’s their choice not to eat it.
They have learned how to manipulate you.
You sound like a good mum with good intentions but they are teenagers and you are being too nice. They are pushing you why? Because they can !
You clean up after them , wash their clothes, feed them, spend time with them, give them money. Stop!
If they don’t appreciate it stop. Listen to them
They are saying No!
Time for job at McDonalds and they work for their pocket money. Nobody gets a free ride in life.
Go out and have coffee with your friends instead

Pimlicopolly · 13/04/2025 01:17

My daughter is 35 and I’ve just estranged her She was self entitled and rude as a child and is worse as an adult . After years of being used as a walking ATM and treated like crap I’ve decided I no longer want her in my life . Stop doing anything for them washing ironing pocket money etc . Let them cook for them selves . They might learn something . Get your life back

Scarletrunner · 13/04/2025 13:36

Send them to their Dads and change the locks. Bin all tech.

i cannot believe Dad gets to choose not to have them much - what are you thinking of?

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