To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

Some great advice on here OP.
You have a 6 week holiday, send them to their dads for the first 3. Non-negotiable, and tell them why.
Spend that time to rest, but take a little time to plan a structure for when they get back.
The 'grey rock' post was awesome advice. I wouldn't switch off the wifi but remove charging cables and the power plug for the x-box. Cancel any subscriptions they have that you pay for and change the password on Netflix etc
STOP doing their washing, let them be gross their mates will call them out on it.
Offer once if they want dinner, then leave them to their own devices.
Buy the food you like and stop getting any snacks / convenience food for them.
Cut the allowance in half and every time they do something disrespectful, that has a financial consequence - like leaving the milk out, deduct it from their allowance.
Good luck OP

I feel for you OP, I know how you feel. For all those posters that are saying cut the internet, the money, the lifts, don't do anything for them etc..... if only it was just easy!
As parents it is inbuilt for us to provide for our kids and keep them safe, if that means a fiver to go and meet their pals then you'll do it even if they have been a little brat because you know that time with their friends is good for their wellbeing. It's a mother's instinct to lift the washing etc. I could give hundreds of examples of things you say you'll do/not do but mother's instinct to care will always kick in.
I promise you it does get better and i also agree with the PP that shared the teenagers letter, they're not fully matured yet and need you to be their constant, safe, stable person.

They say you don't miss the water until the well has run dry.
Time for them to miss the water.

Obviously, don't do any washing or cooking, but put a lock on the fridge and put as much cupboard stuff in your room as you can, with a lock on your door.

You can also turn off the wi-fi and lock all the towels and loo roll in your room. Every time they leave the bathroom in a disgusting state, put a lock on the door so they can't use it for the next six hours.

Don't give them one sous. They get money from their dad, they can use that to buy food and loo roll or they can starve.for a bit They have water from the tap, so they will manage.

Some bleeding heart will come along with excuses for them but it sounds as if you have made enough excuses for them and this is the fruit of it. They will say but they will only fear you, not love or respect you but you don't have their love or respect now, do you even though you have been a rub rag for them .

Screaming at you, insulting you. The time is now to say 'This Far and no Further.' It is an appalling state of affairs, You have been browbeaten into thinking you have to accept it. They are bullies. Wake Up. This is your home and your rules. Put some manners on them, even if they have to pretend to have manners in order to have their nice lives back.

You really should have applied your foot to their arse the second time they walked in mud over your floor but it's too late for that now.

Hopefully, the consequences you are now suffering as a result of giving them no real consequence will serve as an awful tale of warning to those with children young enough to be taught who is top dog.

I hope you have a lovely summer-they are unpleasant people. Stay away from the, They're almost reared, so don't have any guilt about it at all.

Wow.
This evening real?
Since you posted a gritty picture, OP,
I have a gritty example for you.
I was born in a Communist country 45 years ago, and if any kid pulled this behaviour, they would be maimed (mostly) by their fathers.
Sorry, no advice, no kids here, probably result of upbringing, although I was "lucky".
Time for yourself!

Something has gone wrong with the parenting hasn't it.

A simple thing like telling them to take their shoes off "for 10 years". They have disrespected you (because you let them). You've let this shit happen.

What a pile of horse shite!

All the people saying start cutting their money if they don't do chores etc.. surely it's too late for that now at 14 & 15? If it wasn't setup like that from an early age that they respect you and your home and you in turn love and take care of them (and give them pocket money).. then I can't see anything like that helping the situation, they seem too far gone up their own arses to care.

I feel it's a bit too late to start laying down the law now when you've put up with it for so long already, and I think your instinct to just go out, look after yourself and leave them to it is probably all you're left with for now.

Hopefully they will miss you being their personal punching bag and come to their senses.. if not, you'll have to wait for about 7-8 years when they realise being a grown up is hard and all you were ever guilty of was loving them unconditionally, once that guilt hits they should be decent human beings again.

Well, this should have been nipped in the bud years ago. They sound like 9 or 10, not 14 and 16.

As others have said, why on earth are you giving them money, xbox, etc? Pull the plug on all of it.

I'd give away all the nice food and leave them with porridge, maybe beans and some fruit. Bare minimum. Stay out as much as possible. Enjoy yourself. Send them to dad if possible. Can you enlist him to also stop the flow of money? If he makes up for what you withhold, they won't learn anything.

If they leave stuff in the lounge or kitchen or bathroom or other communal areas, just bin it without discussion.

Seriously, why do you let them treat you this way? "A quiet life" doesn't explain it.

I think it’s so hard because they are our children and the model is parental utter focus on them / they are the priority you care for them because that it is how it has to be when they are small. But that needs a total reset as they grow up and it comes to a head in the teen years.

Painful process - but it’s vital they start to see you as a person in your own right. I think going mental at them occasionally is no bad thing. Also agree no payment for chores - fuck that.

Advice for snowflakes!

Omg! What did he do once you’d gone?

I think every time they complain about something you stop doing it

Dont like what you are cooking
Cook only for yourself

Dont like what is in the fridge then only shop for yourself (get one of those tiny table top fridges for your food

Complaints about laundry. Stop doing their laundry

Eventually they will learn to do it themselves or not bother

Have you an en-suite where you can shower in peace or could you use your local swimming pool or gym to shower in for the time being and leave the bathtub caked in hair and claymask till your dd needs it again

Sometimes although you like things neat and tidy you have to ignore the filth in order for them to really see it.

I know one couple who have converted the downstairs to give them a bedroom with en-suite and have their 3 teens upstairs. The parents do not go upstairs. That is somewhere they don’t visit let alone clean and hoover

Agree! Teens can be moody, but most aren't spoilt little shit bags.

Before dc we had a dog and at a puppy training group I remember the trainer saying “ignore bad behaviour and praise good behaviour”

I think it works well on children

Remember they are teens and 10 years from now they will have come through this phase will be lovely adults.

Like everything with raising children, it is a phase. The teenage phase is truly awful

I was a pick your battles Mum.
House meeting and agreed that they weren’t children anymore.
We all needed to contribute to running the house.
They we’re responsible for their rooms and laundry. They also needed to cook once a week and clean the kitchen twice a week, dishes etc.
I did not do their laundry unless specifically asked.
I shut the doors of their rooms and let them live with their mess. I did pay for a cleaner every second week, but their floors had to be free of shit so she could vacuum (generally floor ended up on the bed then back on the floor).
I am out the other side.
It is not easy.
Good luck

It's teenagers testing boundaries. Don't let them get away with it. My mum's response, who never physically chastised us or emotionally abused us, would've been, 'If you aren't happy under this roof, then you can move in with however you want'.

I used to shit myself.

whoever ffs

I was in a charity shop today and a mum with two boys came in, one about 6 and one about 10, the mum pointed out something of interest on the shelf and the 10 year old said, "why would I care about that" in a really dismissive tone. The mum said very normally and conversationally that sometimes the way he says things is quite aggressive and his tone isn't very nice to hear at times, so in response he proceeded to call her a 'poo head' 'all you do is talk poo poo' and said to the younger one, 'see mum just talks poo all the time', he was really nasty in the way he said it.

I swear to god she didn't even flinch, just carried on browsing as if he hadn't said anything at all.. she was the ultimate in ignoring bad behaviour.

Doesn't seem to be working for her though does it?

I wanted to intervene and tell him what a nasty little shit he was, but I had my toddler with me and I knew no good would have come from it, the boundaries have to come from the parents, and she didn't seem to have any. I haven't been blessed with the patience of a saint so god help my kids if they ever spoke to me that way.. there could be no ignoring that for me.

Oh I feel for you OP, that sounds so draining and demoralising.
Hopefully, it’s just the teenage phase and, perhaps, now they are on holiday from school they may be more chilled and less mean spirited.

Definitely take time for yourself, look after yourself.

I do agree with others that they should have to earn their pocket money from yourself and their dad, but I can understand why this might feel like more trouble than it’s worth for you right now.

Remember, being a teenager can be really hard. I was a horrid teenager, very stroppy and hormonal

I have to say OP, I found your post quite amusing at times - maybe you should write a dairy and get it published.
The Diary of a Homicidal Mum Of Teenagers -
i’f defo buy it!

I changed the password on everything and stopped with the money.

"The WIFI isnt working!!!"
"Its working for me"

"I need money for XYZ"
"You had your pocket money, thats it. I did warn you"

Its a bit of a "it gets worse before it gets better" situation.

Been there, hold the line.

Thing is- I don't think suddenly piling on loads of consequences when you've been pretty slack for 10 years is the way to go with teens. They will just rebel, flounce off, start living with their boyfriend, live at dads, stay out all night and generally this will raise the temperature at home, not decrease it. I would start with the rude comments as that's just not ok in any way whatsoever, cleaning I would get to later.

I had a chat with both of mine when there was a bit of eye-rolling and huffing going on. I said, I get parents are irritating, but I live in this house, this is my home and I want to be happy in it. If I'm feeling ok, I'm happy to take you places, pay for stuff and generally help you out. If you treat me badly, I will feed you and provide the basics, but I won't feel generous-spirited at all, I won't be giving lifts, letting you socialise in my house and so on. It is your choice.

I didn't go crazy over one eye roll and occasionally there'd be a bit of a flare up, but both would know they would have to apologise for that, and basically be pleasant enough (not nice, just neutral) for us to all work as a team in the house.

I didn't succeed fully with cleaning initially, I'm not very good at tidying, but I more or less left their rooms to them, apart from requiring dirty dishes to be removed/putting bedding out for a change every week or two. Over time, they've started doing much more at home, cleaning the kitchen etc. One motivator for that was having friends/boyfriends over, it's embarrassing to live in a messy room or have an unpleasant kitchen, so this has improved hugely.

I don't want people making me feel sorry for being alive in my own home, that level of rudeness isn't something I could live with.

Taking away Xboxes and phones, is not going to improve your relationships or their attitude.

I think you have the right idea of making sure you are having a good summer, despite living with teens.

Explain again to them how you feel, but not by moaning them. Text it to them if it’s easier.

Lower your expectations on certain things like footprints but with manners and being civil, be firmer if you can.

I would have a plan of one or two things a week that you would like to do as a family such as -pizza night together and watch a comedy-even if it’s half and hour, a trip to the beach. Let them know that these are what you would like to do.

Good luck!

I also don't take people out to dinner who look at their phones all the time, because that's a waste of my money- either we go out and have dinner and chat, or we can stay home and look at our phones. I think you are doing the right thing going out with friends.

The other thing I would do is divide and conquer, don't let them gang up on you (if you are a single parent as I am too)- take one out individually, for coffee and chat, or doing their activity. Don't take both out and let them essentially bully you.

If you are on your own (and I don't see mention of your husband/partner) or your partner is very detached, it's very easy for two headstrong stroppy teens to rule the roost and you have to get back your own control of the situation in clever ways.

I try to remember that their brain is changing. They perceive facial expressions wrongly. (See anger where it's not) Got all those new hormones swirling about. Growing like Topsy, adjusting to a new body, got stupid exam pressure with schools laying it on thick and Idiot Goves new curriculum..

Try not to take what they say to heart...they have big emotions that are hard to regulate and are often really self centered.

It is hard work getting them through this phase to be functioning human beings. I have yet to succeed. I do know how to put a door back together though...

I praise them for behaviour I like. Thank them for stuff they do right.
Talk to them about their behaviour...Try and remain calm. Try to work out which hills are worth dying on. Try to explain things using examples from their life... Try to explain consequences... Withdraw services...

I text them and ring them from downstairs.

Sympathise with their feelings.

We are making progress but I might need a new door yet...

With yours I would decide which hills you want to die on.

Think of consequences that fit the crime... (I had to (clear up after you did....) so I don't have time to....(Thing they want)
(I had to pay to replace milk you left out so there is less pocket money)
(Your jeans were not in the laundry basket so weren't washed)
Off fuck when they tell you to....and don't do that thing they wanted you to do.

Tell them they are really good at...(Behaviour you want) (Eg bringing their pots down, feeding the cat) lay it on thick...it often gets repeated.

Might not work with yours though...

Try a few things, give them a decent try as things often get worse before they get better...

Mine are ND so need a different approach...

You’ve had loads of very similar advice, OP, and I’m not saying it’s wrong. But just to offer another perspective, because at the end of the day only you really know what’s going on in your home, with your kids, and it’s always helpful to get a range of views so you can take what might work and bin what doesn’t appeal. It sounds like you might all be a bit bogged down in a negative loop. Your kids act in a way that’s thoughtless, antisocial, even unpleasant. You focus on those things and make life more unpleasant for them to push them into behaving better. Not many of us do behave better because someone makes our life worse - there might be a short term effort at compliance, but it’s unlikely to last or to be meaningful change. Sometimes bringing a bit of joy, praising them, recognising something they have achieved and are proud of, reminding them that in a world that for teenagers sometimes seems very hard to navigate, you are their safe space, and that even when they are arseholes, you still love every atom of them and believe in them - sometimes that positivity can bring out the very best in them and remind you all of how special you are to each other. And yes, I am probably a snowflake optimist, but I have teenagers and no, they are very much not perfect!, but I have found being really transparent about the fact that they are absolutely my favourite people in the entire world makes it all that bit easier. So before you follow some of the advice on here and turn your home into a device free boot camp, maybe take a flyer on a day of love bombing and see where that gets you. I’ll be keeping everything crossed for you either way, the teenage years are brutal one way or the other!