To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

The joys of ungrateful bratish teenagers

vast majority of teenagers I know are like your two for a few years seems rare on MN as it’s full of amazing parents but back to rl

give yourself a break, you are not doing anything wrong other than at times trying too hard, some just become like this not because of your parenting (which is hard when you are on your own you will get the brunt off the frustrations/mood swings) but because they just feel frustrated emotions are all over the place themselves

less tending to their needs and a bit more you time they can manage and let them wallow in their self pity they shall soon get bored of themselves and the next step is you will hardly see them as they shall always be out 🥳 then another load of stress but you cross that bridge when it comes to it

what made me realise I wasn’t so alone is hearing ds friends talk to their parents…

I just completely ignored mine if they were being vile. It's like toddler taming round 2, ignore the bad and reward the good.

In a very funny, I miss those days because they still need you in a lot of ways but are desperately trying to prove that they don't! The house is very quiet (and tidy) without them now they've flown the nest.

You are literally paying them to abuse you and still not getting the quiet life that you crave. You need to put your big girl pants on and make their lives a great deal less easy. Look after yourself, lay down some clear rules then go out for the day, every day until they get the message.

I’m not quite there yet (10-going-on-13 year old in this house) but a key bit of advice I was given is pick your battles - yes the eye rolling and huffing is rage-inducing, but let it go. Pull them up on the things that count and not every little thing otherwise your reprimands just become white noise and they will ignore it.

You’ll probably need a pillow to scream into when they really drive you insane, but decide what your boundaries are and then try to channel your inner zen master for everything else whilst inwardly reminding yourself you can always blow their inheritance on a fabulous shoe collection and around the world cruise once they leave home!

Wow. I really feel for you. I think I’d consider going on complete strike. Do nothing for them for a couple of weeks (cooking, cleaning, laundry, food shopping), confiscate their phones, refuse to give them any money. Leave the house all day and spend it with friends, walks and come home to bed and simply ignore them. And I mean ignore them - don’t look at them or speak to them at all. The more they shout, the more you ignore - or simply walk out. See how long it takes for them to crack and the penny to drop.

I don’t pay mine for chores.
no one pays me to do chores. It’s for the greater good that they get done

its not some utopia where we all muck in, far from it! But fuck paying them, and the subsequent negotiation that would go with that.

op I’m sorry your going through this, it sounds incredibly tough and heartbreaking. It’s easy to say be a little more selfish, but the mum guilt is real.

I was expecting from the title that you literally said that to them, which is literally what I said to mine about a week ago. Can't deny it felt good. And in the aftermath she seemed to think that losing her phone for 2 weeks was a pretty good deal. So completely losing your rag once in a while is to be recommended, just don't do it too often or it won't be taken seriously.

Change WiFi password/remove router, cancel phone contracts, no cash handouts, shopping for basics only, that they can prepare for themselves, eat out, or buy for your own specific meals. Washing? they know where the machine is. Take yourself out for the day. If you aren't in or contactable, they can't be rude to you.
Look at new interests/hobbies. Go out on trips, visit friends. Start to develop your own life. They are old enough to take consequences of being vile brats. They apologise, then start with agreed behaviours to get privileges.

Cut the allowance, hide phone chargers, switch off wifi etc.
Call a house meeting where you all sit down and discuss how things are going. Maybe get them to speak first? Then you say how you feel etc. Then set out new boundaries, ground rules.
What you require them to do in future and what privileges they can enjoy as a result (but no payment for chores - no one pays you to mop the floor etc)

If sitting them down for a discussion etc results in no improvement Id go on strike and do literally nowt until they wake up. No laundry service, no tidying up, no wifi, no food purchased or cooked.

@Suzieandthemonkeyfeet is right. I absolutely lost it with mine. I mean proper lost it, I threw a knife on the floor which landed pointed in to floor for dramatic effect (unintentionally!).
Honestly it worked, since then they have made more of an effort. Not amazing. They still don't tidy their rooms and have piles of unwashed clothes etc. But they are borderline acceptable in the kitchen and occasionally spontaneously do something nice like cook dinner for me which one did this evening

My 16 year old son’s attitude towards can be very disrespectful, it started just towards the end of his GCSEs and he changed over night. I feel disrespected and I can’t do or say anything right. I walk away from him now when he becomes argumentative. He attends 6th form, but also has a job where he takes on additional hours during the holiday so there is no way of me stopping allowances or phones etc! I have realised I have to stop pandering to him, and that I need to finally start putting myself first for a change.

I'd be tempted to ask ExH to agree to only send their allowance once he's had the nod from you and then to set new ground rules for both allowances.

No chores, no money. Rude or disrespectful, no money.

They may just change their tune after a few weeks of being skint.

Op i would fix the fuse box and change the WiFi code daily. Only release it when the jobs are done. I'm sorry your children are ungrateful little sods....if mine spoke to me like that I would go nuclear at them. If they want the nice things in life they need to start earning them. Washing up, cleaning up their own mess and helping round the house is necessary. You all live there X sending large glass 🍷 🫂❤️💐

Are they going to their dad’s for part of the holidays?

Once you remove their currency (phones and internet) they will up the behaviour, do not back down. They will learn quickly that keeping Mum happy gets them what they want (phones and internet)
Warn them to behave and clean up their act or there will be consequences. Then remove phones and pack up the wifi hub in the boot of the car and go out for the day.
Leave a list of what they need to do to get them back by the time you get home.
If you get home and nothing is done, they will have to wait another day. Rinse and repeat. If one complies they get their phone, they other will soon follow suit.
Then they need chores, threaten with a repeat if they slack off.

Thanks everyone for all your great responses.
Can't respond in too much detail right now but will read through all properly later.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks my kids are horrid brats lol!

When they leave dirty plates/bowls in the kitchen - put them in their bedrooms. (The crockery that is)

Stop making food for them if they insult your meals. They can cook their own or order takeaway. But ensure to them that they are to throw away the rubbish. And if not, put the rubbish in their bedrooms.

Throw their shoes outside if they trail mud through the house again. Bonus points if it’s raining.

Throw out your DDs bath products and DSs shaving products if they can’t clean them up afterwards.

Stop the allowance until they learn some basic manners and clean up after themselves.

I honestly think phones have made teenagers more horrible than previously. I agree you need to treat them like toddlers. Firm boundaries, consequences, ignore the tantrums. However, I know I'll get slaughtered for this but it's hard to build a relationship if they hate you - and it sounds like a complete breakdown on both sides - I would try to do some things with them that they like... take them to the cinema, play a game with them, go to the fair... find something that they're willing to do with you that they like. Try to keep the door open for when they're older and ready to come back, so there's some relationship left.

Kids are often completely feral and bad tempered by end of term. It's no
excuse for this level of shite but my inclination would be to sit them down and spell out how the summer can look. The happy path and the mother on the warpath !

But you have to be prepared to carry it out with no exceptions.

You are not alone op 🙁

OMG cut the allowance til they treat you with respect! You don’t need to be a screaming harridan about it, just quietly insist on the behaviour you require and no allowance until they do

I think you need to give them some space for a few days (weekend perhaps) and then once everyone’s calm have a chat about how things can be done differently so everyone stops being upset.

So tell your daughter she’s responsible for sorting her own clothes, you won’t do it going forward. Then no more arguments hopefully.

I’d add your son to this as well, tell your son he stinks, he needs to sort it. It’s embarrassing for him and unbearable for everyone else. If he doesn’t, ask him to move out (whenever is legal for him to) and stick with it.

If they don’t like your cooking, then stop cooking for them. Let them get pizza. Who cares. It’s one less argument and when they run out of money, they’ll have to cook for themselves

We weren’t a shouty household but there were one or two times when they were younger that I would lose my cool with them. As it was unusual it worked a lot better than if it was a regular occurrence. After my angry rant I would go up to my room and ignore them and invariably they would come up, very sheepishly, and apologise. As a single mum it can be very hard but it worked because my anger was out of character and gave them a bit of a shock. Sometimes shock tactics are what is needed.

I'd suggest they both get part time jobs. Mine were both working at that age helping out in a local retirement home. Put some money in their pockets and gave them a bit of perspective. It made them grow up a bit which sounds like what your kids need.

Oh it's so hard.. I would have taken the muddy shoes and put them in a bing bag by the back door.

I have thrown out my teen boys socks, so they ended up with no socks. They were holy and disgusting supposed to be white.

They know I will go in their rooms with bin bags and throw stuff out if it left about, so they do have the slight fear!!

My 16 almost 17 year old is a bit hands out wanting cash so I've given him an allowance until end of July and that's is he getting a job at the local pub doing dishes as he knows I mean it when I say no more money, he's picked up some babysitting work too.

The food thing, I gave up buying or preparing family meals about a year ago i do an weekly Aldi shop and fill the fridge with chicken, meats, snacks salads and fruit and veg and they can make their own food, noodles etc.

I make myself my own meals as well.

I think a degree of maybe showing them how utterly sick you are of them, I call them out on being rude.

And a degree of making your life easier.