Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 23/07/2024 20:13

@FedupMum2024 if you get on well with your ex can you take a joint approach? Will ex agree to stop paying the allowance as and when needed?

Also, since they think they’re so grown up time for you to do less …

You can make it that allowance is paid in small increments only when they follow the rules:

  1. sort rubbish as they go £1 a week
  2. do own washing £1 a week
  3. pack away shopping £1 a week
  4. rude to you - wifi off for 15 minutes … and so on for a bunch of stuff?

no effort, no allowance …

It shouldn’t have to be like this but maybe this will let them see you mean business.

ThatBreezyRobin · 23/07/2024 20:17

I’m sorry, that sounds so stressful!

I will start by saying I don’t have teenagers yet (in the thick of toddler tantrums instead) but I think I would take the summer holidays as the perfect time for intervention, as others have said take the phones / Xbox etc away for such vile behaviour even though it will just be met with more vile behaviour. Put them somewhere they can’t get too or give them to a neighbour or friend for safekeeping if they’ll find them at home!

Once you feel their attitudes have improved enough (and they’ve done their chores) they can have them back, but beforehand change the WiFi password, that way if they’re rude you can just boot them off and don’t tell them the new password. You’re in charge of that.

I don’t know if you are in control of their data on their phones but you can also set controls over that so you can take that away or make it so they have to pay for it themselves.

As far as meals go - Theres only one meal option being offered, don’t buy in the the extra snacks they like - they can budget their own money for that - say there will be meals and fruit/a few healthy snacks available for all the family but that’s it. If they get their allowance and the money runs out then it’s time for them to get some work (I know hospitality can hire 14/15 year olds but only if they can get there themselves otherwise more work for you) or find odd jobs or tidy their rooms and find things to sell on Facebook marketplace etc.

I would also make a chore chart - everyone has roles to do at home. If they do not do them, no money until they do. If they want to sit in a filthy bedroom with no technology all day then that’s on them I guess! They are old enough to pitch in properly at home, they are very aware of what they are doing.

It’ll be a shock to their systems but sounds like they need it!

Am I too harsh?!! My dad was pretty hardline but I was a pretty quiet teen, didn’t really push the boundaries much so maybe I am assuming this will eventually work, but worth a try!

Honestly, you are not being unreasonable, how much should one person have to put up with! Good luck! Keep posting here I’m sure plenty of parents will have been in similar situations with their teens xx

Cobswaffle · 23/07/2024 20:18

Time for them to start looking for Saturday jobs!

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 23/07/2024 20:18

Just lost my shit at my nearly 13 year old.
Ler her have loads of mates over today for end of term, all lovely girls so happy to host but said to them all not to mess her room up - just checked and fuck me the state of it but it waan't her friends, she has got clothes everywhere just not put away. She will not be getting any pocket money until it is sorted and evwn then it won't be the full amount. Winds me up cos l say every day keep on top of the mess.

Sorry op no advice just having a rant myself. Def do your own thing over summer.

Araminta1003 · 23/07/2024 20:23

Allowance needs to be earned by doing chores.
Phone time needs to be earned by respect.
All vile behaviour has to cost them.
They will soon learn.
Pick 5 simple ground rules and stick them on the fridge. Then follow through.
Give them tomorrow off to sleep then implement the next day.

If they cry whinge scream just leave the house and take the wifi password with you.

Ghostgirl77 · 23/07/2024 20:26

Why are you giving them money when they treat you like shit?

You give in and do what’s easy “for a quiet life” and this is what you get: spoilt entitled kids. You’re not setting them up well for adult life either.

Stop the pocket money, take away the phones etc. and don’t give them back until they start showing respect to you and your home. It’ll be tough in the short term but it’s the only way.

Sunshineafterthehail · 23/07/2024 20:28

WiFi password is earned and changed daily..
Money is earned..
Self service canteen and laundry..

2sisters · 23/07/2024 20:28

Make the earn their allowance. They should be doing chores. If they are rude remove privileges. You can stop the phones, WiFi or ground them. Do their .ates ever come over? If they do send them directly up to their stinking pits or refuse to have friends over all together.

CeruleanDive · 23/07/2024 20:28

Their dad is "supportive"? For how many hours per week does he actually parent them?

This shouldn't all land on you.

YouJustDoYou · 23/07/2024 20:29

This your doing. Stop giving them money. Stop cooking for them. Stop doing their laundry. STOP.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 23/07/2024 20:30

It's unrealistic to suggest that OP, a single mum, can go into her 16yo son's room and physically remove his phone (which will no doubt be in his hand) and playstation. It has the potential to escalate very badly.

There are loads of other incentives/consequences suggested upthread which are less effort and don't require physical contact.

WonderingAboutThus · 23/07/2024 20:31

You can't just slink away from your duties, I am afraid.
You can actually confiscate their stuff. You can make every form of privilege they have contingent on some form of chores. You can stop them from having other food options. You can literally take almost all of their stuff out of their room.
But you're going to have to raise them eventually, and you are running out of time.

setmestraightplease · 23/07/2024 20:32

@FedupMum2024 It's no use 'pleading for them to do this' or 'asking nicely' - it obviously doesn't work so you have to tell them

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me - don't bother trying to engage - they're teenagers and programmed not to engage

Constant complaining about the food in this house - give them something to complain about - basic healthy rations, no treats and then just ignore them

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar - put them in their rooms Make sure you have enough cutlery/plates etc for yourself (well hidden so only you can use them) They'll notice when they have nothing to eat off - mind you, they probably won't be eating all the basic healthy food anyway so problem solved!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room! tell her if she finds you that gross, then she can find somewhere else to live

I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me. Why are they getting an allowance when they do nothing for it - you're paying then to carry on behaving exactly as they are

I did stop doing their laundry for a while............. daughter eventually gave in but wouldn't empty her pockets and a whole wash was ruined by a blusher that made it's way into the machine, so now I have to double check everything WHY???

But because they are my children I am expected to just put up and shut up It's just your children who are expecting that!

Time to get ME back!!!! yes, it definitely is! And don't feel guilty about putting yourself first - they're old enough to learn how to fend for themselves a bit more!

I know it's hard on your own ! - I've survived two teenagers.

Just remember - there's nothing wong in telling them you're not happy with their behaviour, there's nothing wrong in expecting them to do things round the house, there's nothing wrong expecting them to respect you and your rules, there's nothing wrong in telling them off!!

ThatsAFineLookingHighHorse · 23/07/2024 20:33

WTF are you still giving them spending money?
And I'd pull every single piece of electronics you paid for.

Floofydawg · 23/07/2024 20:33

I wouldn't be giving them an allowance. I know teens can be vile (I had one) but they sound very rude and ungrateful.

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 23/07/2024 20:35

My 7 and 9 year old wouldn't get away with acting like that. They need to learn life skills.

First things first stop giving them money for nothing. Who gives you money for nothing? They need to earn it.

WiFi goes off until chores are done. Teach them how to do their own washing.

You are doing them a disservice by allowing them to continue like that. How will they ever become functioning members of society?

At their age they should be able to do almost everything at home. I was looking for after my. 4, 7 and 10 yo siblings while my parents worked at that age....all summer.

You need to lay down the law. Family meeting tomorrow....this is how these next 6 weeks are going to go. I am not your slave, any money is payment for chores completed. Wash your own clothes cook a meal once a week or no money, WiFi, phone or xbox. They might piss off to their dads for the summer...even better!

redalex261 · 23/07/2024 20:36

Yep, been there, done that. The feckin’ phones - root of all evil. I found removal produced panic, bared teeth and real venom. For two full days. Then it dissipated, like drug withdrawal, then they are much nicer. I don’t think confiscation for a couple of hours works - they are too angry and huffy, it’s not enough time to punish them or recalibrate their attitude.

Definitely withdraw allowance from both yourself and their dad if he will agree. Pay per task as previously recommended. Push them to get part time jobs, every teen I know who wants one has one at the moment (not sure if it’s the same everywhere else in the country).

It will be utter hell but don’t cave, whatever sanctions you choose. Otherwise you may as well surrender!

Screamingabdabz · 23/07/2024 20:37

Suzieandthemonkeyfeet · 23/07/2024 20:09

Do you know what you need to do? Shout - like really fucking shout. Show them that you’re a human being with feelings rather than a grey shadow that is there to service them.

Your dd does her own washing and let your son stink in his rotten shit.

Dig deep and find your strength and stop being a door mat

Thank God for this post.

So many fretful doting women wondering why their kids treat them like shit. It’s not rocket science - if you act like a door mat, people will wipe their feet on you.

Stop cooking for them like they’re 8. No chore charts or twee shit like that. Only do the bare minimum and leave them to it. Set them free. Treat them like the independent adults they long to be, but expect them to behave like that too. If they don’t, bawl them out like Sir Alan Sugar and make them accountable. If they do, cool. Cheers. Be low-key cool mum and loosen the reigns a bit.

Once they get used to the I-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine way of ‘house-mate’ living - trust me, there’ll be less bawling and more harmony for you all.

Kilofoxtrot99 · 23/07/2024 20:39

Had this briefly at one point with my son- so just black bagged his laundry and popped it all in the shed, shrugged if I got questions about where his uniform or sports kit was, maintained a slightly baffled air when shouted at and would just turn away, ignored any verbal comments, stopped all funds changed the WiFi password and cancelled subscriptions, stopped cooking/dishing up meals for him ( food was available but he had to sort it out himself) or getting in any easy to make food etc, basically grey rocked the shit out of him until he was forced to speak to me like a normal human child. Took a few weeks and was definitely a war of attrition, I did say to him that nothing would change unless he did and I didn’t want him growing up to be a total arsehole, so the choices were all his if normal services were to resume. It did work although it ruined a summer but three years later he is on track and we have a good relationship now. It’s bloody hard to stick to and I was lucky I just about am more stubborn than he is although I had plenty of years he never saw them. Hang in there and make them realise the choices are theirs.

Whatabonkersworld · 23/07/2024 20:40

ChaiTeaOrTaiChi · 23/07/2024 19:56

No chores and no cleaning up after themselves = no money

I'd be changing the WiFi password as well.

This. Don't beat yourself up over it, teenagers can be vile. Just leave them to it and do your own thing for the holidays.

Maria1979 · 23/07/2024 20:43

Life can be really hard sometimes, I'm sorry you are on your own dealing with these brats. But they won't change unless you do. No more Mr Nice Guy: plan everything out and STICK to it. No giving in. Ever. Buy NO treats until they treat you with respect. Allowance is only given when chores are done (laundry, bedroom and cleaning up their mess around the house). No need to shout or be angry- be factual and firm. Think really hard about what you expect and the consequences for not meeting those expectations (be reasonable), write it down, explain to them and STICK to it. Good luck.

MyNewNewlife · 23/07/2024 20:43

Stop their allowance. Put you conditions for resuming allowance in writing and go out. Send them to their dad for two weeks. Dont budge and get militant. Money talks. You have to not bend though. Way easier said than done though .. maybe several large sips🍷 first

BellesAndGraces · 23/07/2024 20:44

Sorry OP, it’s tough but you absolutely get what you put in. You have given in for a “quiet life” but your life doesn’t seem that quiet. Follow the advice given by PPs and use this summer as boot camp. If they tantrum, put earphones on or go for a walk, come back with a lovely treat for just yourself. Make sure your ex is taking the same approach.

The sad truth is they won’t leave at 18 - why would they? They have a cushy life at home and get to tell and tantrum their mum into submission.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 23/07/2024 20:44

I am out the other side with quite nice young adults (still live at home but we're in outer London) . End of term they're little gits . Knackered . miss their friends , jealous if friends going away , moving up a school year , the endless chasm of the 6 week holiday

If mine leave anything in the washing basket that isn't right ( everything inside out and pockets empty , socks right way round in pairs ) they don;t get washed .If they let anything in that buggers up the machine then they know they;ll need to take everything to the laundrette to wash/dry till it;s fixed .

DS kept losing school stuff (PE top etc) I told hi he'd need tp gp to the School Shop and queue himself .

I'm your Mother not Your Friend

DD had a nice phone , DS content to have a 2nd hand lesser phone + extra pocket money

You can see why some animals eat their young !

wellington77 · 23/07/2024 20:45

I would take away the Xbox, and stop paying for her phone and get a really simple one so she can just call and text. And then I would say until they can treat you with respect they can like it or lump it. I’d get them earning their pocket money - don’t give it away for free