To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

i think I would let them go out and about dirty and smelly, give them some more money to buy their own food.
it’s only a couple of years til they leave home. You can carpet, redecorate once they’ve gone
. I also might get an estate agent round to value the house as you are thinking of moving ? To the seaside or wherever. They will hate to leave their friends -use it as a bribing tool.

Tell them it is getting wearing saying the same thing over and nothing changes, you and their DF have been very patient… and introduce fines -

Deduct money off eg £5 for not taking off shoes at the door, same for clothes not sorted for washing, something left in pocket, sink not cleaned etc

You get on well with their DF so perhaps discuss and get him on board in advance to do the same and back you up. Money can be deducted from what he gives them too.

Some of the stuff eg about other parents etc you just have to take with a pinch (handfuls!) of salt and not engage.

I assume their Dad is not around? Wash their clothes together only, if there is crap in the pockets that leak and ruin their clothes, so be it. How are they ordering pizza, are they paying for it? Stop the pocket money. Can you block their devices from your WiFi?

Read so many posts like this recently, (we are
Week 3 into Scottish holidays).
I can't say my 12 year old is that bad but she would get there if I didn't keep her in check ALL the time. So
I prob belong in an institution too OP, but fk it, you are wayyyy too nice and waaaaaaay too generous. I'm telling you, I would be writing a chart. Washing done dishes down, dishwasher done, rooms cleaned bathroom cleaned, themselves cleaned (need to moan to get my 12 year old to shower and put deodorant on, (literally typed that then reminded her lol). I go though my 12 year old room anything I find get put in a pile
On her bed dirty washing, food, wrappings, paper, (once found half a pot noodle with the fork still upright in it in her kallax drawer box.) and another random one, boiled potatoes I had made she had taken up left them and they were actually green with mould. Just sitting in her drawers. Wtf.
So OP. Stop the money. This is the only area
You will have an impact on them with. Until you are satisfied the money goes. You have to get strict. Tell them very nicely there will
Be no more pocket money for anything. But. Before you do this. Take pictures of everything. And I mean close ups. Of the stubble. And the waste. And the mess. Print them
Out on paper and sellotape them to the wall for them to see everywhere. Cos they will
Deny it all. They are conniving. They will deny it all. They doooooo clean the bathroom, they dooooooo tidy their room, they dooooooo bring dishes down. Get evidence. And then go through them like u have never before. They are doing this cos u are
Letting them away with it. Buck stops now. Get mean, get on the ball, and they will start respecting you more. But u have to go through with it and you have to mean it.

Stop giving them an allowance.
Turn off the Wi-Fi - and be firm about it - take the router with you when you go out.

i do feel for you and hope things improve.

Telling the kids to fuck off won't help. Better to model good behaviour

Yes start p**ING them off like people have said. Take away router and go out for the day.
Only give them allowance if they behave.
Leave basic food in fridge. Go and see your friends.
Hahaha yes sell the house and move area for the ultimate sanction.

I think there's some v good advice on this thread eg stay calm, pick your battles, focus on what you can do

And some terrible advice eg be verbally abusive towards them

And some impractical eg "just make them do it" (how?)

And some pointless eg change wifi (don't kids have data on their phones?)

And some cruel eg it's all your fault

But, I hope this thread has been helpful overall. I wonder if your local authority offers parenting classes? Ours foes, for all age groups. And they're free of charge, as LA want to encourage as many oeople as possible to engage, like ante natal classes

Also, linking chores with allowances isn't helpful. Better to encourage intrinsic motivation than extrinsic https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-baby-scientist/201806/motivating-children-without-rewards

I used to feel so guilty that my kids were always skint because we had no spare cash.

maybe this was just as well as they were great teens for the most part and now are all delightful adults.

Your kids sounds dreadful. A United front with dad, cut the funding until you see some changes

Typical teenage fuckers.
Time to show who's the Bigger Bitch in the house.
Make the meal.
Eat the meal.
Throw away/freeze the meal if uneaten or refused.
Ignore whining about being hungry. Say cook what you need yourself if meal unacceptable.
Leave grunge bathroom exactly as is for them to enjoy... can you shower at gym or friend's.
Brace yourself for shitsville house. Keep lounge for you only so at least have a retreat.
Withhold allowance until behaviours improve. Lock dd phone away with sodden charger until behaviour improves. Buy gin for medicinal purposes and hide it in sitting room.
Be strong. Its only a few more years.

Caroparo52 · Today 10:10
Typical teenage fuckers.
Time to show who's the Bigger Bitch in the house

You sound nice.

A lot of Wi-Fi routers can individually block devices such as a sons PlayStation or phone.

The same friend realised her teens weren't paying attention and leaving their stuff everywhere. So she gathered it up in a black bag and put it in the garage and just answered she had no idea where their important stuff was for a week. They put stuff in their rooms after after that.
Also no lifts at the weekend if their bedrooms weren't half decent condition.

She's a real hero of mine!

Are you seriously advising the op to withdraw access to period protection for her teenage daughter?

Have a house meeting. Maybe your children’s attitudes are because one gets away with it and so the other also pushes with bad behaviour? I know it’s exhausting- I have similar issues with my 16 yo son, but these days he will empty his bedroom bin, make his bed and put his plate etc in the dishwasher and wash up after his lunch. Progress! His shoes are generally in the middle of the hallway - I can’t yet get through to him on that one!!! I’ve explained to him it’s a mark of respect as I can’t be on a permanent hamster wheel clearing up after him. And when he goes to Uni next year, I’m telling him he’s in training for that! Maybe have a chat and ask them why they think their habits are acceptable and explain your feelings. Good luck!

Mistake of quick typing whilst thinking DPuppy nees to go out - I ought to have been clearer and said do not provide the period products DD prefers, but just have in the ones OP uses (which DD can use or she can go and buy the ones she likes with her allowance).
This teenager appears to think her DM is a slave who has to provide money for nothing and run the household for the benefit of her teenage children, who do nothing to help but are abusive.
This is how I'd do it. Explain that this fortnight's allowance is the last lot till DCs stop being so rude and useless in the house. Explain also to DD that whatever tampons etc she currently has are the last that will be provided in the weekly/fortnightly shop especially for her (so the products OP prefers/uses will still be around, but they won't necessarily be the ones DD likes). She has her allowance for this fortnight and she is therefore able to buy her own products if she doesn't like using the ones OP has. This will mean budgeting and doing without some wants.
I would also point out that the allowance is for buying things DD wants/NEEDS, so clothes she fancies, and make-up but also period products she prefers and things she might need for school, e.g. books, pens etc. Food and accommodation is provided, the allowance is for personal expenditure.
Rudeness and poor behaviour being amended the period products DD prefers can be bought with the reinstated allowance (and OP will keep a supply of those DD prefers as well as those OP prefers, in case of emergencies).

The language used by lots of people towards teens is really quite an eye-opener. People are talking about adolescents using quite vile language.

I was firm and strict and maybe got lucky but mine would never have dared swear at me etc though I got eye rolls and laziness at times. I am not sure treating them like delinquent criminals helps. Very few here are advocating having conversations one to one with them and trying to make them understand what is wrong or right. Or encouraging empathy. I don’t think just punitive measures are helpful in the long run.

I am from an Asian culture. Whilst there are parts of it that are not perfect, we don’t have as much of this extreme teen behaviour. The expectations are high. There is none of this, ‘oh they are just being teenagers’. Yes, some leeway is given. But they are still expected to be a polite and integral part of family life. I don’t know if it is a western thing to have such a low bar for behaviour for teens. if you don’t expect much, they conform to the stereotype. It is almost sanctioned.

I definitely don’t think my kids were unusual. My friends all have largely lovely polite teens. I don’t think we should see such rudeness as inevitable in the teen years.

I have loads of sympathy for the OP. But I still think there is room for conversation in there, not just cutting off money and the Internet. I know I am in a minority.

Or she can muck the lot up when he's out. Esp a play station/X box.

Sorry but I find it abhorrent that any parent would use period products as a bargaining chip, or incentive for good behaviour with a teenage girl. You do you

I just came on to say this. I’ve never understood the whole chore chart thing. If ever there was a way to create a battleground between you and your teenager that’s it. Money isn’t necessarily a motivator either.

For us, intrinsic motivation was built up from around year 5, where the more sensible they were, the more freedom and perks they got. The minute they let you down (and at year 5/6 let’s face it, the level of ‘let down’ is not going to be huge) - the freedom and perks go away. It’s completely in their best interest to mature and take responsibility, and the result is they are trusted and treated like adults.

I didn’t expect my DC to do a SINGLE domestic chore but by the time they got to year 7/8 they could be pretty much left to choose their own bedtimes, get themselves up and ready for school, get their own meals, secure the house properly etc. They were mini adults. And hardly any disagreements or agro.

My DD15 once described us more like housemates than family, and I was quite sad about it but she said for them as teenagers that was a better model because we all did our own thing but when we did get together as a family to watch a film, or a Sunday roast, or just late night chatting in the kitchen it was so much more friendly and enjoyable - and they had an increased appreciation for family because of it.

OP wants to tell them to 'f- off'. I wouldn't personally do this to my DD (who is not a teenager anymore). But OP's DD seems an entitled twerp. So she won't get the tampons she likes but the ones OP buys generally. When I was a teenager this was the norm.

My mum hit the roof when she found maggots in the.food under my bed🤣

I'm 51 now and really tidy.

I don’t think the OP could stand the house being in such a mess- she’ll cave in!

Without wanting to put you down because you've looked after both very well BUT you allowed all this. You let them speak to you like that and you let them treat you the way you do. My kids wouldn't dare. They'd lose every privilege and have to earn each one back at a time. They'd have a bedroom that consists of a bed and bedding and their clothes until they followed my rules. There wouldn't be any phones, no video games and no ordering pizzas. While your kids live under your roof they obey your rules.
You should have nipped each bit of disrespect in the bud before it got like this. So you can't blame them entirely, they're teens and they'll act like dckhads if you let them push the boundaries.
Take this summer to restore some respect and order in your home. You don't want your future son and daughter in law to have to put up with this nonsense because this is part of your duty as a parent to raise them not to be like this.