To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

[FedupMum2024]

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

Teenagers can be hard work. I've just about come out the other side now but, god, it was worse than having a new baby at some points!
Take a few days to breathe and enjoy yourself. The kids probably need time to unwind from school and you need to regroup. Go out with your friends and leave them to it but tell them, you'll all be having a chat next week.

Then use carrot and stick. No allowance unless x,y,z is done weekly and stick to it. No Wifi unless x,y,z. Tell them your expectations..if it helps write it out.
Be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better.

You poor thing. Make the pocket money related to chores. Why should they get anything when they do nothing?

Unplugg the WIFi and take it with you when you go out for lunch.

Good question
kids don't just start behaving this way . It should have been stopped when they were much younger .
I feel really sorry for OP .

I feel you, OP. Mine are 18 and 19, filthy little harridans and are mortified if I ask them to put their laundry away.

There’s a few glimmers of hope, however. The eldest has actually cleaned her room today without me asking and has even sorted 2 lots of laundry, washed and dried.

Isnt it nature’s way of us being glad when they move out?

Pin this to the fridge to let them know how you feel. Send them to their father’s for 2 weeks and book yourself a holiday, preferably abroad. Let them know that you won’t be talking them anywhere or buying them anything other than essentials until they show respect. Stop cooking for them and no more allowance. Tell them to start saving for university as you won’t be paying and, if they aren’t going to uni, tell them they need to move out at 18. (They won’t know that you mean this but be strong!) Be an absolute b*tch until they start showing respect.

They sound like typical teenagers - I have one that's thankfully realised at 19 that not everything revolves round her and that it's better to live in a happy ship than making waves that only get bigger.

Yes they compare everything they have to what their friends have and let you know where you're lacking without a second thought. Yes to food changes also - what they've been happy to eat for god knows how long is now boring or not good enough. Yes hair etc left in the plug hole, crap left in the bathroom & nothing put away. Everything ends in an argument. I couldn't have got through it alone with one teenager - we used to go to the supermarket without her & sit in the car park working out strategies & getting it out of our system together.

Go on youtube or tiktok & watch videos about teenagers - obviously rehearsed & performed (not real) and you might feel better that other teens are the same. They're testing every boundary you've had in place to teach them life skills, routines, manners etc as they've grown up - now they want to make their own rules that go against everything you've put in place.

It's hard but normal. At least dad seems to be on the same side but he only sees a snapshot.

I feel your pain. My 7 olds are better and more considerate than that but I do dread the teenage years ahead! They need to know what it's like when you go on strike and refuse allowance.

Yes. Do exactly that. When they ask for something, respond in the same way they would - even if that involves telling them to fuck off.

Stop cooking for them - they can prepare their own meals.

Same for their washing and anything else.

Stuff left lying around, including plates, food, cups etc - put it on their bed/games console etc

Just stop doing stuff for them.

Oh - and stop the allowance and ask their dad to do so too. If they need money, they can ask and you can decide yes/no and how much.

I wouldn't engage / interact with any negative behaviour - just ignore them.

I wouldn't even tell them. Just put it all into action.

When they ask wtf is going on, inform them that selfish childish disrespectful behaviour will result in being treated like a child

I haven’t read all the responses on here so I’m sure I’m not the first one to say this, but:

No pocket money for them unless they do chores around the house. A list for each of them. This should include preparing dinner for the family, from scratch, once a week each.

I would consider removing TV/XBox/phone privileges unless they get a proper paying summer job working at least 20 hours per week.

Make it very clear that they have brought this upon themselves with their dreadful behaviour.

Get a massage, a manicure, have some days out just for you. Go and enjoy your summer and let reality smack them in the face. Could you manage a weekend away with some girlfriends?

Thank God for MN, it gives a great opportunity to vent, rant, say the unsayable! I bet you feel better just by getting that all off your chest OP!

I don't have much advice though, except (1) this too shall pass and (2) you do you!

They are old enough not to need any services from their parents, and as they are so rude and ungrateful in response they should receive none.

For the summer holidays I would certainly leave them to their own devices - including doing their own washing from now on. I would stop cooking for them, they have money so they can go get their own food. Have pasta, bread, cheese, milk, salad and fruit in the house, and leave them to get on with it. Washing up that they leave out when they have 'fended for themselves' in the kitchen gets put on their beds.

This.
And get them to wash their own clothes.
Each gets one day per week to do their own washing and 2 days to make the dinner.
They do the grocery shopping.
Tidy and clean their room once a week.
Write the list, have a schedule and stick to it.
No allowance or lifts or wifi codes any given day unless they've done what they're supposed to.

Send them to their dad's. Insist they leave. It's his turn and time. He can deal with it.

School holidays is a perfect time for them to do some lifting.

they each need to plan and cook one meal a week?

do you share their bathroom? If not just stop cleaning it.

You need to blow up nuclear style! F and blind and scream at the little fuckers 💪🏻😀 then go out, and my favourite trick when my teens are twats is I take the router on a day trip with me too. I’ve also come very very close to taking a hammer to their phones and launching the PS off the balcony. It may well happen one day but so far it brings them back to earth with me just going nuclear on them. Try it, it’s liberating. Sending much love, and a virtual glass of wine xx

Wow!
well that is good to remember for later.
😅

That’s fine but what if they make a terrible mess when cooking and don’t clean it up?Same with cooking etc. OP will not be able leave it and ends up cleaning it all up!
perhaps it’s now too late to put into practice all the things they should have been doing from an early age!

Don't shout at them, laugh when they do the eye roll, laugh, when they are going to say something is your fault, say it first in a stupid voice " I know it's my fault ha ha " walk away don't leave it get to you because the more you get upset the more they will do it. Put a menu of the next few days meals up that's what is cooked do they want it or not, if not tough don't cook enough for them , say you are not wasting time and food for them to not eat it they are old enough to make beans on toast. Definitely start consequences, like turning off the Wi-Fi and isolate the electric in their room if you know how. ( pop the button on the fuses , upstairs should be on a different circuit to down stairs) if you are going out take the Wi-Fi box with you as they probably will know how to switch it back on. you have got to be as bad as them but in sneaky way.😉

Teenagers are a bloody nightmare aren't they! Give me toddlers anyday over teens!
I have 3 teens at the moment. Eldest is great now but the younger two are shits!
Withdrawing services like washing and cleaning never worked for me I'm afraid. They couldn't care less if they have no clean clothes and the bathroom is disgusting! It just stresses me out even more.
I always use the withdrawal of allowance on mine, it's the only thing that's ever worked!
Spend the summer hols enjoying your plans without them. They might improve their attitude a little if you're out a lot doing nice things. Don't be rushing home to cook for them either!

Well that's fine if they spend their allowance on X Box, their choice and when it's gone it's gone, no more money til it's next due. Pick your battles, insist they keep communal areas tidy but if their bedrooms are a tip just shut the door and leave them. I've been through this and they will come out of the other side as decent people, just prioritise yourself and enforce boundaries re tidiness and money, everything else let it go over your head as much as you can

Exactly my thoughts! 😁

I do feel for you. I can tell you it all gets forgotten when they are grown up, but I don't think that would do any good.

Would it help to tell you not to bother with what the place looks like. Children are naturally negativistic. They more you try to tell them to be tidy, the more they will fight against you. Mine are past that stage. I have tried to remember what I used to do, but, like the pain of childbirth, it is all gone when they are older. One thing though: my long passage from kitchen to back door would be filled with pony feed and straw by just my daughter coming in from outside and putting her hands in her pockets. The cats bringing in contributions to the meals didn't help either, and my cats had a penchant for sitting on newly polished dining table. They had no mobile phones. We had a few CD players with a few CDs. Most of the disposable income went on horse riding, karting, animals. and my taking the boys wherever they wanted to go to be with their friends. We had all sorts of people who took them for days or even overnights when I was working away, and their homes were always full of things to do and hardly ever clean, especially in the holidays.

If you are worried about what people think, don't be. Start a trend: say you are trying out an experiment in child behaviour and seeing what they do if you don't do housework. They are probably doing the same, or wish they could. What is worse, and what you don't have at the moment is a man coming in and demanding his tea on the table and sounding off about the house not being tidy. If it is just you, don't bother. It really isn't worth the stress, and if they get angry with you, that is how they will take it out, by messing up the house again. They are like my cats who only sat on the dining table when I had polished it. Perhaps they just liked to see their faces in it, and it wasn't intentional. If you don't clean up, they cannot mess it up again. If they leave clothes strewn around, just don't wash them. Show them how to use the machine.

I always tried not to make rules. The only real rule was not to lie. Everything else was a mistake. That helps, believe me. Something else that helps is sitting down with them and telling them how much money is coming into the house, and what the order of importance is for spending it. Try getting them involved in contributing their thoughts to budgeting at an early age. Even five year olds understand that any money left over from a food shopping expedition is for them to decide what to spend it on.

My daughter was 14 when her father left us. I did exactly that. I told her what was coming in, and we decided between us what to spend it on. She said she would give up her comics. I suggested just a couple of them, and I would keep one of my magazines. We worked out how much for the pony feed and straw, vet bills and shoeing costs, and the same for the rabbits and chicken and cats. Then came the bills and so on. There was so much to keep her and her elder brothers interested in. We had TV but they hardly ever watched it.

You are 100% NOT being unreasonable!! Let them get on with it - you don’t deserve their crap. My brats are exactly the same and I’m done with it too. Horrible, entitled, rude and selfish - and that’s putting it mildly.

Nah, honestly fuck this. Absolutely not. If they want to act like little pricks, out prick them.
Firstly, get the WiFi code changed. They can be told it when they've earned it. Change it daily if you have to.
Secondly, mobiles, whos paying for them? Bet its not them. Cut. Them. Off. Again, they can earn them.
Thirdly, do eff all for them. Any shit they leave lying around the house, dump on their bed for them to sort. (i am so petty id wipe the stubble/plug hole hair with a hanky and dump it on their pillow!)

Get yourself dolled up and off out. Leave them with no phones, no wifi and no cooked dinner. Not your problem, they are old enough to sort their own dinner and wash their own clothes.