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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
MadMadaMim · 24/07/2024 20:09

Bignanna · 24/07/2024 19:42

That’s fine but what if they make a terrible mess when cooking and don’t clean it up?Same with cooking etc. OP will not be able leave it and ends up cleaning it all up!
perhaps it’s now too late to put into practice all the things they should have been doing from an early age!

Gather up the mess and deposit it on their bed

pineapplesundae · 24/07/2024 20:12

You’re going to have to move with no forwarding address. Those two aren’t going anywhere! Why would they? Best of luck to you!

ScartlettSole · 24/07/2024 20:19

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 23/07/2024 20:30

It's unrealistic to suggest that OP, a single mum, can go into her 16yo son's room and physically remove his phone (which will no doubt be in his hand) and playstation. It has the potential to escalate very badly.

There are loads of other incentives/consequences suggested upthread which are less effort and don't require physical contact.

Its not unrealistic. I did it to mine 🤷🏼‍♀️

ThisRedLion · 24/07/2024 20:20

You are most certainly not being unreasonable, I kicked my son out at 16 he was given a place to live with kids his own age his own room his own money and a curfew to be in by or police would be called to collect them, they get totally everything it's like home from home and they get carers live in 247 so you wouldn't even have to stress where they are or what there doing there not allowed to have friends in so yiu wouldn't even have to worry about that they have to budget there monies and but there own food n clothes so if I was yiu i would do just that these kids today not all kids are rude entitled potty mouthed little no it all humans who think they can get away with shit time to take yiur life and home back so times tough love us needed so yiu go get some kind of normality back and warn yiur other kids that I they want to stay at home they best start mopping up there sloppy ways because you deserve better

LaDamaDeElche · 24/07/2024 20:30

Magnificentkitteh · 23/07/2024 20:47

Genuine question as I'm just entering the teen phase but does this confiscating stuff, turning WiFi approach actually work? My dd1 is ND so perhaps different but I just can't imagine it. We would just end up in a power struggle, od have confiscated all her stuff, she would not have changed her behaviour but would br seething mad at the injustice, and neither of us would be happy. I tend to have to appeal to her better nature (or get angry and shout like a pp said). Which will escalate things but then there'll be a climb down, we will both apologise and make up and can have a civilised conversation.

Totally different ball game with ND teens. Rewards and consequences don't work with most people with ADHD for example. Consistency and making things routine is the only thing that does. My DD is nearly 15 and visual reminders and being so repetitive that I bore myself is the only way we've got through it so far 😅

WeeOrcadian · 24/07/2024 20:30

Do they face consequences when they behave like barnyard animals and ungrateful little shitbags?

LaDamaDeElche · 24/07/2024 20:40

Swiftie1878 · 24/07/2024 17:45

Sounds like you’ve been going for the ‘quiet life’ for quite some time.
You say you feel downtrodden; well, they can see that.

Grow a back bone and do some parenting. Although to be honest you’ve probably left it way too late….

Enjoy your ‘you’ time if that makes you feel better.

Did that post make you feel better?

mathanxiety · 24/07/2024 20:42

No more pocket money for them.

No more cooked meals.

No more laundry.

No more wifi.

No more phone payment.

No more outings.

Buy food for yourself only. Let the fridge and cupboards gradually empty.

Confiscate any electronics or gadgets you bought them.

Don't tell them you're doing any of this.
Buy yourself a pair of honking big noise canceling ear muffs and wear them around the house. Ignore them when they're around.

Jumpers4goalposts · 24/07/2024 20:42

Surely you do realise that you are part of the problem?

LouLouVonSchnickleburger · 24/07/2024 20:45

Leave early in the morning, no goodbyes, nothing.
Grab your phone, car keys and go awol for the day, if they ring you, which they will, of course answer but don't get into a discussion. As long as nothing drastic has happened at home take your time coming back
If they ask you when you're coming back say it could be in 20 mins or it could be 4 hours, that way they can't get friends over
Be as short with them as they are with you, they'll probably go into panic mode. It'll do them the world of good
How do I know?
I did the above, it was fab 🤣

Kurtcobainscardigan · 24/07/2024 20:48

Why are you putting up with this shit?
If they can't be respectful toward you and your home then stop/limit tech (it's a privilege not a right), and stop/limit their allowance (again, a privilege not a right - assuming you provide food/appropriate clothing/toiletries to meet their basic needs).

They will push back against this, they'll be awful to you in the hope you'll crack and give them back their tech and allowance. But every time they say or do something disrespectful add an extra day of no tech/allowance and they'll soon learn. Yes, it will be shit for a while but then your current situation is shit and will only worsen.

Be consistent, don't back down, stick to your rules.

Glasgowgal200 · 24/07/2024 21:06

Volunteering!!!!!????

Nettie1964 · 24/07/2024 21:14

Time to take control back, the lunatics are running the assylum. No allowance unless they have done everything on their list. No WiFi new password. I could
write a novel. My blood is boiling on your behalf.

Bollindger · 24/07/2024 21:17

Start with their allowance. Change it too weekly.
Tell them £1 fine for not doing things.
Extra chores equal extra money...
List the chores. Maybe open a facebook group for it...
Then list the deductions and current pay out for that week... do not talk to them. Just keep it in the group..
Plus you get the fines to treat yourself....

Gemma2003 · 24/07/2024 21:18

You are not being unreasonable, but equally, they are being teenagers. How you respond to this will set a course for the future relationship you have with them.

At a practical level, you cannot control some of their behaviour. You can't for example stop your daughter leaving the bathroom in a mess. And it is hard to tell if she is an utter complete slob, or if she is a bit messy (noting you say you are a very clean person).

I would get them together at a time when everyone is calm - eg order pizza and have a family dinner. Say there are some basic standards (things like not leaving food in their bedrooms - things that are truly important from a basic hygiene perspective) that need to be kept - but don't do it in a lecturing mother type way. Do it in a calm, "we are all living here together and this is what needs to happen" type way. Then say that basic standards are required in return for their allowance - list the specific things that they must do to get it.

From your post it does sound like they are a bit ahead of you on the journey of independence. You can't expect them to want to come to the supermarket with you to choose cereals, or to go to your choice of restaurant. Accept that. Say if they want something different to eat to write it down and stick a note on the fridge and you will see if it is in the budget.

And I can completely understand why your daughter was upset about her phone - yes she left it in her pocket, but you also put it in the wash and ruined it. I think you are being a bit hard on them.

This is a tricky time. I have been through this with my kids. Accept they can choose what they do. Do things on your own. Try to see things from their perspective. Take the pressure off, but set up opportunities for things they might like to do - eg I'm going to X, do you want to come. If not, smile and say ok have a nice day, see you later.

You will get through this. But don't ruin your mental health over muddy footprints and messy bathrooms.

And don't treat them like a hectoring mother of a young child as some posters here seem to suggest.

gingerninja · 24/07/2024 21:21

I’d use their allowance to pay for a cleaner.

Sometimesright · 24/07/2024 21:23

I am actually getting stressed reading this!! Ffs get a grip!. Turn of the bloody internet change the password and tell the lazy little fuckers if their rooms are not sorted and they don’t clear up after their selves you will do it for them! Get a pile of black bags give them a 24 hrs time line then start packing their stuff ( that you paid for) into it and explain it’s going to the tip! You have the control. Take it back. Do you pay for their phones? Cancel the contract if they don’t start picking up after theirselves. Be a bitch! Would you let anyone else treat you like that? They are mistaking you being nice for weakness. Stop walking on eggshells around them. The minute they speak to you like shit give it right back! Stop doing everything for them. If the way you wash their stuff isn’t good enough then don’t do their washing! If what you cook isn’t good enough let them eat noodles and pizza for a few weeks they will get bored. Don’t cook for them. Until they ask you to nicely. They are not babies. shaving and buying pizza then they are old enough to grow up. Point out a cleaner earns around £16 an hour and if you need to then you will deduct that out of their allowance. Failing all that clean the bathroom after them and keep their bedroom doors closed and down tools with all cooking and washing until they treat you better. But my biggest advice is don’t let them see you get upset. Hope it improves soon OP you will get through it x

DeadbeatYoda · 24/07/2024 21:42

Do not cave. Do not say rash things or make threats you cannot carry out. Get used to saying 'I need to think about that' when they ask for things. Then actually take the time to consider if they have earnt the privileges they want. Some negotiation is fine but not after you have said no. No must mean no, so don't say it without thinking if you can stick to it. Set ground rules for how they talk to you - basic ones, don't try to achieve too much in one go. Do not cave in when you've put your foot down. Mean what you say and stick to it. Caving in is bad. Caving in makes everything so much worse.
I have 3 teens. They drive me nuts but I wouldn't accept what you have described. I'm a single mum and I expect respect. I get it too ( most of the time, sometimes eventually, but I get it). Value yourself enough to set boundaries and they will remember to value you too.

LaDamaDeElche · 24/07/2024 21:50

Gemma2003 · 24/07/2024 21:18

You are not being unreasonable, but equally, they are being teenagers. How you respond to this will set a course for the future relationship you have with them.

At a practical level, you cannot control some of their behaviour. You can't for example stop your daughter leaving the bathroom in a mess. And it is hard to tell if she is an utter complete slob, or if she is a bit messy (noting you say you are a very clean person).

I would get them together at a time when everyone is calm - eg order pizza and have a family dinner. Say there are some basic standards (things like not leaving food in their bedrooms - things that are truly important from a basic hygiene perspective) that need to be kept - but don't do it in a lecturing mother type way. Do it in a calm, "we are all living here together and this is what needs to happen" type way. Then say that basic standards are required in return for their allowance - list the specific things that they must do to get it.

From your post it does sound like they are a bit ahead of you on the journey of independence. You can't expect them to want to come to the supermarket with you to choose cereals, or to go to your choice of restaurant. Accept that. Say if they want something different to eat to write it down and stick a note on the fridge and you will see if it is in the budget.

And I can completely understand why your daughter was upset about her phone - yes she left it in her pocket, but you also put it in the wash and ruined it. I think you are being a bit hard on them.

This is a tricky time. I have been through this with my kids. Accept they can choose what they do. Do things on your own. Try to see things from their perspective. Take the pressure off, but set up opportunities for things they might like to do - eg I'm going to X, do you want to come. If not, smile and say ok have a nice day, see you later.

You will get through this. But don't ruin your mental health over muddy footprints and messy bathrooms.

And don't treat them like a hectoring mother of a young child as some posters here seem to suggest.

The most sensible post on here so far.

PippEmma · 24/07/2024 21:50

Put the router in you bag and go to the pub!

Pyewacketty · 24/07/2024 21:54

ChaiTeaOrTaiChi · 23/07/2024 19:56

No chores and no cleaning up after themselves = no money

I'd be changing the WiFi password as well.

Absolutely. No money, no WiFi, they don’t deserve it. I wasn’t the most amiable of teenagers and I moaned bitterly about doing the washing up, but I still did it! The only point I would make is that you refer to asking them to do the washing up or taking out the bin bags ‘for you.’ At their age they should be pulling their weight at home, not as a favour to you but because they live there and have a responsibility to keep their home clean and tidy just like everyone else. If I were you I would go on strike and just let the dishes and the rubbish pile up, see how they like it when their housemaid isn’t working anymore. Make sure there is food for them to prepare their own meals but eat out or have take outs yourself - don’t share!
Unfortunately these kids will run into difficulties when they leave home or go to uni because they don’t have a clue how to look after themselves, and their peers will think they are fools. I knew kids just like that at uni, couldn’t cook, do their own laundry or even change a lightbulb! I don’t know if you are a single parent or not, but it sounds like you are being bullied by your own children. Don’t blame yourself, it’s likely that they’ve picked up these attitudes at school or elsewhere. As for the old ‘so and so’s Mum lets her….’ it’s a tale as old as time and it’s always bullshit! Best of luck, I hope things get better xxx

Grammarnut · 24/07/2024 22:08

Stop their allowance. Change the wi-fi password. Don't wash their clothes or buy any of the things they need (that includes period products for DD), go out and leave them to it. If they want back their privileges they have to toe the line. As their father to stop their allowance also - explain why. If he doesn't comply with any luck the DCs will decide to move in with him, and it's his problem.
Have a fun summer. Let them fester.

Pyewacketty · 24/07/2024 22:09

Also you don’t say whether you work, but am guessing that you do. For Mums who have the financial ability to be stay at home Mums then constantly cleaning up after kids isn’t an issue, but for single mums who are out at work all day coming home to several hours housework every evening is just too much. OP you are no doubt exhausted and that, unfortunately, gives the kids the opportunity to walk all over you. Does their father pay for their upkeep or does he just give them an allowance? If he’s on the same page as you what about agreeing with Dad that the little darlings won’t get anymore pocket money from either of you, but instead Dad will give you the cash. Then you can use it to pay for someone to come in once a week and do some housework for you! After a month or two of this your kidlets might decide they are better off pitching in!

fairymary87 · 24/07/2024 22:11

You need to put the hard work in now or it's gonna be like this towards you forever. Be tough and firm

Elsvieta · 24/07/2024 22:17

I'm taking it as read you made them re-mop the hallway before they did anything else, obviously.

Set allowance (never a penny more), set chores. If the chores don't happen, no allowance. No phones either. Same if they're rude to you. Don't budge and don't let them see it's getting to you.

I know what you really want is for them to act decently because they love you and it's the right thing to do and not because you force them. But in the short-term, you're going to have to force them. You'll be doing them and everyone else who has to be around them a big favour, and in time, they will grow up and get better.