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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say F*** OFF to my ingrate teenagers

393 replies

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 19:45

School have broken up today.
My two teenagers have skulked in through the door, traipsing muddy footprints through the freshly mopped hallway (they cannot be arsed to remove their shoes despite my pleading for them to do this every day for the last 10 years)
Daughter (14) starts screaming at me straight away because her phone is dead and apparently its MY fault because apparently I washed her power pack (she cannot be bothered to empty out her blazer pockets before it goes through the wash despite me asking her ten times to bring down her laundry)
Son (15) moans about the vegetables I am preparing for their tea, and tells me don't bother I'm ordering a pizza, then pisses off up to his filthy room to no doubt sit on his Xbox for the next 6 weeks.
Daughter hears this, comes in, looks at the dish I am halfway through preparing, and says "urgh, I ain't eating that neither"

These kids are revoltng to me daily, as well as to each other.
They huff and puff at every (very reasonable) request of mine.
My daughter does this vile eyeroll which makes me feel quite homicidal!

I am constantly being compared to their friends' parents (such and such Mum lets them do this, that, everything YOU don't etc)

They are spoilt brats that I never spoilt growing up iyswim?

Constantly demanding money, I give them an extremely fair allowance every two weeks and I expect them to budget, they expect a constant flow of cash from me.

They are so slobby it's unreal, I am a very clean person and have always made sure they live in a tidy smart home. Daughter takes lenghty baths and leaves all her hairs congealed in the tub, hair mask and face clay masks splashed everywhere, she won't rinse them away despite me asking her nicely. Son will shave at the sink and bash his razor all over the side, leaving his stubble everywhere.
Both just expect me to clean it all and when I pull them up on it they just throw tantrums.
Daughter told me I belong in an asylum because I asked her to take out the recycling for me last week!

I try so hard to engage them, I suggest outings, or going out to a restaurant for some food, the whole time they both sulk, stare at their phones, moan at me for listening to the radio in the car, we end up just leaving early and I think why the hell bother??

They would both just rather sit in their rooms all day every day, they don't want to do anything, they used to do clubs but both got bored and now just sit on their phone, or Xbox all day.

Constant complaining about the food in this house, despite the cupboards and fridge always full of fresh produce, nutritious bits for them to snack on, we do have the odd treat and a nice desert now and then but I do try to feed them well. I appreciate they are getting older and have their own tastes, so I say come shopping with me, you can both chose what cereal, drinks etc we have in but they just moan the entire time. Or point blank refuse to come.

They leave bowls on the breakfast bar, leave the milk out, splashes everywhere. They cannot even be arsed to mop up after themselves or put the milk back in the fridge or even just put their bowls in the bloody sink
Actually washing up has never happened!

It is not uncommon for my daughter to walk into the same room as me, moan at me for breathing, or coughing, or sneezing, tell me I'm gross and then huff out the room!

Anyway, I GIVE UP.

I have written off these holidays and am taking time for just me. All of my 20s and half my 30s sacrificed for this pair of lazy sods and they treat me with utter contempt. I have planned some lovely coastal walks and a few lunch dates with some old friends, and my ungrateful kids can bugger off and entertain themselves now!

Time to get ME back!!!!

OP posts:
Pyewacketty · 24/07/2024 22:20

Just a quick thought, this is the social media generation. If nothing else works why not take pics of the mess they leave and/or record them when they are being rude and unpleasant. Then post this stuff online….😱🤣 However whatever you do, you must remember to praise them when they get it right. Don’t say thank you, that implies they are doing you a favour, but do say you are pleased and that they did a good job. Underneath all the teenage horror they are still children who want Mum to be pleased and proud of them, so tap into that whenever you can xxx

Ahhhmarsbar · 24/07/2024 22:24

I don't have any children NBC. At Christmas I get upset. After lots of therapy the conclusion is kids are a fucking nightmare but society says not draw your own conclusions lol.

Loneparent1111111 · 24/07/2024 22:42

I can't believe that even six percent think you are being unreasonable, they must have been spoiled themselves as children or don't have teenagers yet lol

Havinganamechange · 24/07/2024 22:42

Don’t give them money, don’t cook them dinner, go on strike and let them do everything for themselves. Ungrateful little fuckers!

Atsocta · 24/07/2024 22:56

Move and don’t tell them ( ever) where your going ..selfish brats

Loneparent1111111 · 24/07/2024 22:56

I appreciate the thoughts behind the "I wouldn't let my teens do this" etc. I agree, but as a lone parent having no reinforcement and constant badgering from your teens can wear you down and impact your mental health. Remember for many of us lone parents we have raised them alone for a decade or more before they become teens. Additionally for many lone parents (obviously not middle income) extra financial stresses wear you down for years too. Most people are obnoxious when teenagers, it is due to both hormonal changes and neuronal changes. For the OP it will end I promise, my oldest is now 21, finished university and is more mature and a help to me. My youngest is 18 in August and still causes me anguish but is slowly but surely maturing. Have a nice holiday without them and feel no guilt, they will mature. Additionally our whole society is more individualistic now, it is a result of increased consumerism. Marketing experts and advertiser's promote it, phrases like 'you deserve it's etc. They never say ' you deserve it because you did a good thing, or earned it' do they, so people of all ages become more entitled. Enjoy the holiday and f**k them 🙂🙂

Kerensa70 · 24/07/2024 22:57

I really feel for you and it’s actually funny the way you write, terrible but funny! Been there and generally they grow up and alls ok. My two are now late twenties, my daughter esp was a nightmare at times, the eye roller! However they never had allowances, both had paper rounds and cleaning jobs from age 13. Did take daughter on a few shopping trips I remember where I was completely fleeced but she knew she had to spend a couple of weeks before buttering me up for that. They are so manipulative teenagers! Hang on and go be independent for a while and good luck!!

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 24/07/2024 23:06

FedupMum2024 · 23/07/2024 21:39

Thanks everyone for all your great responses.
Can't respond in too much detail right now but will read through all properly later.

Glad to know I'm not the only one who thinks my kids are horrid brats lol!

Change the internet password.
Remove the cables and chargers for phones and Xbox etc then go out for the day with a note pinned to their doors/bathroom/mirrors/kitchen cupboard etc telling them they won't get a b or c until things change.
Let them scream and shout - but don't retaliate.
And if you need a good hiding place for any essentials you confiscate - a cardboard box labelled cleaning products hidden under the sink usually suffices ♥️
And if they stomp off to their dad's get him on side to do the same too - and no more money. Let them earn it by doing their chores and being respectful xx
Good luck op x

Avocadorable · 24/07/2024 23:14

YANBU
have no advice at all just in the middle of camping with my 2 youngest feral rude spoilt entitled brats, 13f 12m with no internet, no home comforts, no gaming crap they are used to, DH on the other hand is horrified by their attitude, it’s gearing up for an interesting week 🤭

SeasideJane · 24/07/2024 23:28

Mine were exactly the same. I'm a secondary teacher and so know much of the theory but applying it successfully was challenging. Now they have their own children and they will go through it themselves!
Teenagers are hard work and can be heartbreaking so I'm glad we're not getting the 'mine never did that' unhelpful brags here for you OP. Well done and good luck. Have some well earned 'me' time. It will be OK.

TheNuthatch · 24/07/2024 23:41

Gemma2003 · 24/07/2024 21:18

You are not being unreasonable, but equally, they are being teenagers. How you respond to this will set a course for the future relationship you have with them.

At a practical level, you cannot control some of their behaviour. You can't for example stop your daughter leaving the bathroom in a mess. And it is hard to tell if she is an utter complete slob, or if she is a bit messy (noting you say you are a very clean person).

I would get them together at a time when everyone is calm - eg order pizza and have a family dinner. Say there are some basic standards (things like not leaving food in their bedrooms - things that are truly important from a basic hygiene perspective) that need to be kept - but don't do it in a lecturing mother type way. Do it in a calm, "we are all living here together and this is what needs to happen" type way. Then say that basic standards are required in return for their allowance - list the specific things that they must do to get it.

From your post it does sound like they are a bit ahead of you on the journey of independence. You can't expect them to want to come to the supermarket with you to choose cereals, or to go to your choice of restaurant. Accept that. Say if they want something different to eat to write it down and stick a note on the fridge and you will see if it is in the budget.

And I can completely understand why your daughter was upset about her phone - yes she left it in her pocket, but you also put it in the wash and ruined it. I think you are being a bit hard on them.

This is a tricky time. I have been through this with my kids. Accept they can choose what they do. Do things on your own. Try to see things from their perspective. Take the pressure off, but set up opportunities for things they might like to do - eg I'm going to X, do you want to come. If not, smile and say ok have a nice day, see you later.

You will get through this. But don't ruin your mental health over muddy footprints and messy bathrooms.

And don't treat them like a hectoring mother of a young child as some posters here seem to suggest.

Brilliant pp 👏

TheNuthatch · 24/07/2024 23:48

I also have a WhatsApp group between me and my teens. It works really well. If I see an empty toilet roll tube in the bathroom for example, I will leave it, then put a message on the group 'whoever left the toilet roll empty, please change it now'. It works 99% of the time without any tension or arguments. I also use it to ask for any requests for the food shopping. It's been a game changer in our house, and I'm not constantly bellowing upstairs! I also leave post it notes around the house if they are really pissing me off!

T1Dmama · 25/07/2024 00:09

Stop the pocket money - make them earn it!!
Turn off the wifi and take the monitor with you. Tell them they have to earn access!
stop doing their washing… they’ll soon run out of clean clothes.. then you can offer to show them how to use the machine!!
Tell them they can’t treat you like crap anymore without consequences!

06230villefrancesurmer · 25/07/2024 00:11

I hear ya kid. .. devil ya do devil ya don't.
Life sometimes, not that straight on that particular highway. However as a great American writer Hunter S Thompson said " seize the moment, sieze the day " .

AmIbeingTreasonable · 25/07/2024 00:21

It's time to take away everything that you pay for, they sound absolutely horrendous, how did they get this way?

Codlingmoths · 25/07/2024 00:32

I would probably just go away for a few days, then come home and the new regime begin. Mess gets chucked in their rooms, including dirty washing, and you only cook for yourself. ‘That looks awful’ ‘that’s ok, I didn’t make any for you.’ Phones and tablets disconnected at 8 until they start to make a dent in the mess. This really does call for a nuclear hold the line approach.

WalkingonWheels · 25/07/2024 00:52

I see The Sun has picked up this story.

CatsnCoffeeetal · 25/07/2024 01:08

If you’ve been doing/saying the same thing for 10 years with no results stop! It’s futile and makes you look useless.
Choose your arguments wisely. Spending their money on Xbox and make-up isn’t the terrible issue you think. If you and their father give them money, it’s theirs to spend as they like.

Pyewacketty · 25/07/2024 01:54

You say they don’t see their Dad much, but maybe have a word with him or any grandparents and see if they can take the kids off your hands for a week or two. Beg and cry if you have to! Be honest about how much you are struggling and that you need some help. It probably won’t do much for the kids’ behaviour, but it really sounds like you need a proper break. Even if you’re still working at least you’ll come home to a tidy, quiet house and be able to get some sleep! Above all else you need to look after yourself and give yourself a chance to recharge your batteries xxx

Popsielady · 25/07/2024 03:37

Welcome to teenager-hood!!! 😂 if people are being honest pretty much every teen expresses some or all of these behaviours - I certainly recognise some of what you’ve said in mine. Is tough as you’re on your own so obvs can feel
like you’re going crazy sometimes, but keep the faith! Some good tips from people here. Pretty much the only
leverage u have is money, lifts etc so use it. Mine don’t get money unless the do chores - unload/reload dishwasher, clean up in kitchen after they’ve used it, tidy bedrooms ,sort washing etc. you may have to put up with messy house for a short while but they’ll soon learn you’re not to be messed with. And yes defo get out there and do your own thing, Good luck x

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 25/07/2024 05:32

AmIbeingTreasonable · 25/07/2024 00:21

It's time to take away everything that you pay for, they sound absolutely horrendous, how did they get this way?

They turned into teenagers at some point! 🤣

ElizaJ74 · 25/07/2024 06:01

Stop asking nicely and lose your mind!
Being nice is getting you exactly no where. If they're going to treat you with contempt give them something truly to complain about.
And I'd definitely be changing the allowance rules, if they want cash they best start doing some chores for it.
Take yourself off for lunch and give yourself a well deserved break from them.
Teenagers are the worst, but fortunately they grow out of it x

RichieRich64 · 25/07/2024 06:26

Wick55 · 24/07/2024 18:02

It’s really not pleasant but from someone that works in youth mental health services teens are completely re-wiring their brain, sometimes this leads to some awful behaviour that’s hard to deal with, but usually they will grow out of it and become normal, responsible adults. It’s so hard but try not to let it get to you.too much (easier said than done). They are evolutionarily programmed to push boundaries and almost feel a slight repulsion to the ‘family unit’, understandably this can be incredibly hurtful! My advice would be just leave them be (in as much as don’t make effort to force activities) and do some things just for you, as it’s probably making you very stressed and unhappy.

100% this, it's a phase. Saying that, my DWs friend has a daughter that still treats her as a convenience to be summoned at will so the earlier you set some boundaries, the better. But the way teenagers act, yes, that's part of the great rewiring in their bodies. Can be hard to navigate but I'm proud of my daughters and they are what I would consider good members of the human race now! They were never completely awful tbf.

Candlelights1 · 25/07/2024 06:27

The thing to remember is that if you start screaming it will be water off a ducks back, they won't care.

Far more powerful and meniscing to withdraw all services.

They cannot force you to do anything, so you just stop everything.

Some years ago a friend's teens were a bit rude about a dinner she prepared and her husband didn't step in and correct them quick enough.
She told the family that she was handing over all cooking for a month to Dad.
Lots of spluttering etc. She ate at her work canteen which wasn't bad at all.
She kept it up without any difficulty...what woman wouldn't love a break from cooking!
Her husbands very mediocre cooking improved a bit and everyone was far more appreciative of her meals.
She didn't go back to all the cooking, just half of it. She couldn't face it after such a great break.

Quiet calm withdrawal of all services is the way to go as is insisting they stay with their father for an extended break.
Let them return to zero services and a far more detached mother who just will not engage or facilitate their daily lives if they disrespect her.

LaDamaDeElche · 25/07/2024 07:09

OP, I've been thinking about this thread a lot and there is a lot of blame put firmly at your door and a lot of absolutely terrible advice that no child psychologist, mental health professional or any kind of specialist in teen behaviour would advocate. Take a lot of this with a massive pinch of salt and take your advice from people who actually work in this field - there are sone good books you can buy and lots of helpful stuff online. I know some adults who were horrible teens and they are so ashamed now, but it was just a phase. I know some friends who have a few kids and even though they've been brought up with the same boundaries, the teen years hit differently for one or two of them. It's tough being a lone parent and I'm sure you've been a good mum and tries your best. Ignore the posters saying this was your fault. No one can say anything about anyone else's life/parenting until they have walked a mile in their shoes. It's unhelpful and a bit twattish really.