Furious with DD's swimwear

[FFSTeenagers]

Someone talk me down please!

On holiday with elderly parents and elderly in-laws - wonderful people. 15 yr old DD has emerged from her room to go to the pool in 5he smallest of bikinis. I can almost see her vagina.

I feel fucking ancient saying this. I hate myself for even feeling like this but she has zero modesty.

I bought her 3 bikinis (together - we went together) from Roxy and Next - lovely ones. Not one has arrived and instead she has bought, without my knowledge, 4 from shein that are not for her curvy build. Barely any material and I'm really embarrassed.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly and she's claiming that I'm hardly a feminist as 'she should be able to wear what she likes as it's her body'. She's not bloody wrong but what the hell happened to my daughter's modesty.

My parents and in-laws are sensing the atmosphere already and we only arrived an hour ago.

AIBU?

I talked about the gradual pornification and hypersexualisation of young women on another thread, and I was roundly kicked for body shaming and victim blaming. I am glad some people agree with me on this thread.

This is not my feminism, and I don't care if my relationship with my DD is apparently destroyed. On MN, any boundaries are considered ruining your relationship, so....

Tell her she looks like Bianca Censori...

😳

I feel your pain

Tell her next year you'll be booking a naturalist place - then you'll not have this issue as you'll all be naked and feminist

The problem is that @FFSTeenagers there is no answer. In trying to be fair to DD and her grandparents, you please no one. I don’t think it’s right that she binned bikinis you had bought. So maybe a chat about honesty might be a good idea. Also get other family members to have a chat to her. Remove yourself for a bit. It’s difficult to see how you can have an immediate resolution to this. DD maybe should be aware of men and how she presents herself matters. She will probably disagree but if she is going away with a teen group at any stage, safety really matters. Again one for next year but many responsible parents have to chat about what some men think. Try and enjoy your holiday. You do deserve to. Has she a dad around who can have a chat?

Unfortunately though, perhaps she wants to be a Love Island wannabe and not a tweenager where she is either in very childish swimwear or she is in what she might think is frumpy swimwear, and this is her acting out???

YWBU as soon as your talked about your daughter’s “modesty” like some saudi prince. Made me feel a bit of sick.

Well said. I totally agree. It’s hard when teens don’t want to hear no or indeed anything from you at all. But that doesn’t mean you give up and hope she doesn’t start dressing like Bianca Censori.

I think tbh you’re just ruining this holiday for yourself at this point. If this is the worst behaviour your DD has ever exhibited, I think you’re both doing pretty well! Is this really the hill you want to die on?!

Yes. This is a hill I would die on.

The feminism argument makes no sense and these people seem a bit thick ... dressing provocatively to get the attention of men because you're a feminist ... erm yes, pull the other one 🙄😆

I feel sorry for the teens. They are young teens they just want to look trendy and to fit in with their peers. If the look was floor length black wool they would wear that. That’s what teens do. Look at Anne of Green gables faffing on about her calico and ribbons.

Whats heartbreaking is that the prevailing “look” is this one in our sick patriarchal male centred society.

A lot of posters are jumping to ‘she can wear this when she turns 18 on a girls holiday’ and tbh I think you should be thanking your lucky stars she ISN’T doing that and she’s exploring who she is and what she enjoys wearing on the safety of a family holiday.

She will probably get it out of her system on this holiday and realise it’s impractical/not comfortable/looks kind of tacky/is cheap and shittily made when it falls apart after three wears. And if she does that in the safety of her family then surely it’s a win, rather than when she’s on holiday by herself?

Just make sure she wears a T-shirt when she’s wandering about, rather than swimming, and plenty of SPF!

She will just be one of many with that kind of costume.

There are plenty of bikinis that are better at covering a bit more than the highly sexualised ones. Of course there’s a middle route for bikinis and many teens are ok with this. Looking at Grazia, which has photos of many Love Island girls and analysts their bikinis, plenty are relatively standard bikinis. They are definitely not all micro ones. Looking at the prices, many were not cheap. That’s one reason why they actually look good.

YWBU as soon as your talked about your daughter’s “modesty” like some saudi prince. Made me feel a bit of sick.

Don't be dense. OP isn't asking her 15 year old daughter to cover up entirely, they bought bikinis together - she just does not want her showing most of her breasts bum and vulva to a load of strangers. How odd...

I hear you..The prevailing look is also baby Botox and fillers.Some of DDs friends have got fillers that have gone horribly wrong. Therefore I practice what I preach to her, and haven't got any Botox or fillers or surgery. Unashamedly aging.

DD is an adult now, so I have little control. But I attempt to demonstrate that your looks are not the most important thing about you, though of course everybody wants to look as good as they can.

It's hard to know where to draw the line and I don't claim I have got it right, especially as I come from a covered up culture so I may go too far the opposite way. However I don't think the OP is being unreasonable on a family holiday.

Don't you just hate the fucking men and goads on here?

Maybe she stropped off because partly she knows you are right and actually it it a bit embarrassing. Maybe you won't see it again.
I wouldn't let my 15 year old wear one .

But the others won't be children.

My dd14 also bought very skimpy bikinis off shein and wore them on our recent holiday. Yes they are skimpy and definitely not something I would have worn but they are young they want to be on trend and they will grow out of it and in my experience it has nothing to do with attracting boys it is more likely to do with looking cool in front of their peers on snap and tictoc. I wore very questionable clothes as a teen. I don't know why you would want to make a young girl who no doubt is already self conscious and spent ages getting her look just right for the beach, even more uncomfortable and ashamed? What is it achieving?

I would agree with being angry about binning the swimsuits you bought but don't make her feel self conscious and ashamed that is horrible. No good will come of policing young peoples choice of outfits just shame and anger. This time next year she'll look back at those photo's and probably wonder what the hell was she thinking.

At 15 it's all about how you have these kind of conversations...
So interested of leaping to the 'over my dead body' 'take it off I can see your bits and gd is embarrassed' lines we might want to consider how we help our daughters understand why tiny bikinis have become a trend. Maybe be curious about where/how the trend has emerged? Who actually gets to influence (men). If be going with... "See you bought a different bikini? The love-island/porn star bikini trend is a massive thing right now isn't it? Looks like you've totally nailed that trend?. (Possible outraged response... Are you implying I'm a porn star/body shaming.. ). Which then gives you an option to honestly ask questions about her understanding of where the trend is coming from/what's driving it. You can be clear that you know she's actively making a choice which is hers. But that you want to understand whether she thinks her generation are bossing it by flashing their arse cheeks in defiance of the patriarchy or whether maybe powerful middle aged men are actually dictating the trends You could also offer to give her some one line out field to navigate any dick head attention that may come her way so she's prepared.

I honestly feel like I’m in a different universe with some of these responses.
She’s 15. Op is mum.
I honestly don’t know a mother who would be happy with a child in a micro bikini.
It’s the black one not the pink style.
Mine’s 18. We are close and rarely disagree but she wouldn’t be going out as a child with her bum out and was told that when choosing skirts for 6th form etc.
She chose her own bikinis for her first holiday with friends as an adult and they were pink style so it’s not a case of rebellion if you say no younger.
There’s always a mid ground. They shopped together the daughter should have said at that point she wanted a different style to Roxy and probably a compromise along the pink line could be found - bum and breasts covered.
I’d be really cross about waste of money and deceit too - oh I’ve ‘forgotten’ to pack them I’ll have to wear mine. Just no. That’s not how it goes. I’m the parent.

It seems like normal teenage rebellion to me. Obvs yes it's wildly inappropriate and i would hate for DD to wear it but i think a small telling off, letting her feel like she's pushing her boundaries a bit but not making it a big deal is the way forwards here.

It's not about saying no
It's too late for no.
The decision has been made, they are on holiday, getting upset about it and going on about it all holiday or worse forcing her to miss iut will ruin the relationship

It's not strange. He's probably embarrassed to be seen with her

That's the bit that makes it so hard.
The girl has confidence - few teens would have the confidence to wear them.

It definitely sounds like a very bold act of rebellion.
Did she really like the other bikinis or were the choosen in a moment of desperation?
"You need new stuff.....but I don't like....
Ah but you need stuff, what are you going to wear?"
So she picked / agreed to 3 bikinis 👙 to shut mum up?

I may have had that issue with teen boy with t-shirts. Can't find ones he likes, I'm fed up of seeing him in stuff that's too small, he picks stuff just to get the shopping trip over with. Then 2 weeks later they haven't made it out the bag....but mum I don't like them....why did you buy them....
Return, and try again- arrrh!