Furious with DD's swimwear

[FFSTeenagers]

Someone talk me down please!

On holiday with elderly parents and elderly in-laws - wonderful people. 15 yr old DD has emerged from her room to go to the pool in 5he smallest of bikinis. I can almost see her vagina.

I feel fucking ancient saying this. I hate myself for even feeling like this but she has zero modesty.

I bought her 3 bikinis (together - we went together) from Roxy and Next - lovely ones. Not one has arrived and instead she has bought, without my knowledge, 4 from shein that are not for her curvy build. Barely any material and I'm really embarrassed.

Confronting her has gone downhill rapidly and she's claiming that I'm hardly a feminist as 'she should be able to wear what she likes as it's her body'. She's not bloody wrong but what the hell happened to my daughter's modesty.

My parents and in-laws are sensing the atmosphere already and we only arrived an hour ago.

AIBU?

I understand how you are feeling. I think you need to appeal to her sense of consideration towards GP's who aren't used to such modern swimwear cuts.

Sounds like someone needs to explain feminism to you @MsAmerica

(regardless of whether it’s appropriate for a 15yo to wear a skimpy bikini while on holiday with family)

Feminism is not victim blaming women for being sexually assaulted because of the clothes they wear. I respectfully suggest you read up about rape myths: rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/about-sexual-violence/myths-vs-realities/

If you say no to your kids, does it really ruin your relationship? Saying no and laying firm but well-explained boundaries can be a sign of love. Which is why neglected kids can go off the rails.

Goodness.

Quite. And They are not ‘all’ doing it. When I look at my kid’s inter-railing photos from last year there is not a skimpy bikini in sight and two girls are even in one-pieces. My uni girl also isn’t wearing this kind of stuff now. It’s not compulsory. Esp at 15.

Saying “no” to outfits is full on. It’s saying to them you don’t have the judgement to even decide what to wear and I will decide that for you. Dd2 hates it and gets angry and upset. She is actually lovely to us, works hard in school, her clothes are the only bone of contention (plus usual teen messiness which is far easier to deal with). I hate how our society is that these are the clothes they feel they need to wear to fit in with their peers.

So you arrive an hour ago
after settling in, get in to swim wear
daughter emerges in this bikini
OP horrified

what does OP do? Immediately reach for her phone and starts a thread and then dedicates herself to updating the thread for the rest of the first day of family holiday about her young teen daughter.

Weird

Humans aren't a nudist race, and it's thus simply because most of us don't want to see others' bits. End of.

These near nude bikinis aren't about comfort or convenience, they're entirely exhibitionist, and I'd be telling my 15 year old daughter to bore off with that kind of carry on. Remind her she's not yet even old enough to go on holiday alone - when she is, she can make an arse of herself wearing whatever she likes. In the meantime, Mum's responsibilty ergo Mum's rules.

If you have her two grandmother's there, would you all be prepared to don her tiny bikinis to show her how ridiculous it is? I'm not sure she would wear them again after that.

This sounds like a really tough one OP, i hope it has not cast a shadow over your holiday. Her confidence is admirable. Could you offer a compromise and get some different bottoms, or a cover up that just takes the edge (or crack) off, to make it a little more 15yo appropriate without completely shitting on her chips?

Oh OP…I also have a feisty, feminist daughter who has worn things I’ve been less than thrilled about in that past (she’s nearly 20 now and thankfully her taste has improved over the last few years 😁)

On one particular occasion I pointed out that whilst of course she should be able to wear what she likes, realistically there are idiots out there and she may attract the wrong kind of attention as a result which would be stressful and unpleasant for her.

In this situation I’d also point out that you can be a feminist and express your sartorial rights but still be mindful and considerate of grandparents who are of a different time and may feel a little uncomfortable. Perhaps she could cover up a little when her GPs are also at the pool - I’m guessing it won’t be all the time?

Couch it as respect for others feelings rather than wanting to control what she’s wearing and she might react a bit more positively.

Some really daft responses on this thread.

The OP is simply being a responsible parent.

Feminism and body confidence are not about aping what performers wear in porn & rap videos or stupid TV shows...

A 15 year old wearing something that anyone with a bit of common sense can see is too revealing is not on.

Some people seem to have forgotten that their role when they have kids is to parent, not to be their kids' best mates or to let their kid do anything they wish to do.

I think it is sad that girls grow up hyper-sexualised and thinking that their only value is about how they look and how much of their body they display.

We are also doing girls a disservice if we don't make it clear that there are a lot of dodgy men out there that will prey on them and take this type of clothing as an invitation. Is it fair? no. But that is the reality of the world we live in.

OP I am with you on this. She is 15 so have a clam conversation with her and explain your point of view and why you are saying this but make it clear she can no longer wear these during the holiday.

This. It's all well and good crying people should wear what they like, but like it or not, there is a time and a place and some things just aren't appropriate in certain situtations.

Take them off her and go to the shop and buy something more suitable.

Have a talk with her about having a bit of respect for herself too.

This is a pointless dialogue when we both agree the bikini is inappropriate.

Its funny how walking around half naked as a teen is ok, and right on, and good for her, and NO-ONE-CAN-TELL-HER-HOW-TO-DRESS and fuck other people being uncomfortable BECAUSE ITS HER RIGHT, but if a man wore speedos and made a woman feel uncomfortable, he's a pervert or a paedo.

Ooh, yeah I also think the 'her body, her choice' line is bogus. It these gentle parents that got her into this mess.
When I was a teen ( I'm 23 now so not that long ago) my mom would definitely have a say in our clothing. When I left for uni, I wore shorter shorts, but dropped them when I came home to my grandparents' farm . Why would I embarrass them? I think it's prudent to have respect.
You can't go into the hagga Sofia without covering your shoulders. Wheres all the feminists now? Yeah I see you on fb with your holiday photos -with your shoulders covered!!
So we all make allowances for the occasion.
Personally I think wearing a too tiny bikini is grim on all occasions. It's tatty and - hate me for it- makes you look cheap.
But if you insist on telling everyone exactly how little you think of your body - fair enough - but then at least not in front of your grabdparents

🤣

OP, I hope you are feeling better this morning.

This thread is batshit. Your daughter is 15 and is inappropriately dressed for a family holiday. She’s entitled to her opinions and to dress however she likes when she’s 18.

How can you salvage this and not ruin every one’s holiday? Is there somewhere you can take her shopping to buy something that’s more acceptable?

Honestly don’t take anymore crap from her or strangers on the internet. Make it clear that the replacement swimwear is to be used or there’s no lounging in swimwear around the pool. Them’s the choices - she can take her pick.

Different times, different country. I think we have a strange dichotomy now in this country where we get fussed about nakedness in the house, or on a beach, or in front of our families but then let it all hang out in pubs and clubs, or in town.

I’m off on holiday tomorrow with my almost 15 year old. There is no one on earth that criticises my daughters beautiful body more than she does herself. If she rocks up to the pool confident in her bikini this week I’d be giving the biggest sigh of relief. You’ve raised a daughter who loves who she is. That’s amazing parenting. Please don’t undo it now

We're questioning if it's about loving who she is, being body confident or buying into the hypersexualisation of young women's clothing.

There's a difference between being body confident and being appropriately dressed for the circumstances, taking other people's feelings into consideration. A 15 year old won't be mature enough to make that distinction.

OP, don't let it spoil your holiday.

I have just been on holiday with my (even younger) teen and we had a similar bikini argument before leaving (we also went with grandparents although I would have been the same if we hadn't) I do not want my young daughter in a teeny triangle bikini showing her entire bottom.
Luckily she bought one acceptable one from Shein and we went shopping and found another acceptable one. Half the problem I found is that almost all the styles in the shops she normally shops at are the tiny bikinis. There are hardly any that cover even a tiny bit more skin unless you go somewhere like Next (which she wouldn't be seen dead in).
We even had another argument on holiday when we went shopping, because all the shops out there sold tiny bikinis and again I said no (despite all the girls similar age to her on the beach and at the pool in them - it was so hard to stay firm!).
I think I'm going to have to give her some more leeway when she is 16 but I really, really hope she keeps some modesty I do not agree that letting your young teen daughter wear highly sexualised clothing is some demonstration of feminism! (We have also had many arguments over corset and bra type tops which I won't let her wear)

I think tbh you’re just ruining this holiday for yourself at this point. If this is the worst behaviour your DD has ever exhibited, I think you’re both doing pretty well! Is this really the hill you want to die on?!

Because she liked them all, because she couldn't chooose her favourite, because they'll get use in the future, because OP can afford it.

It's three bikinis, not three prada handbags 🙄.

I'd take the bikini's and bin them. Find her something more appropriate (but still a nice bikini). She has the choice then to wear something more appropriate or stay in the room. You cannot have her grandfather refusing to sit near the pool while she swans around making everyone uncomfortable.

I quite like them 😳 don't know how I'd feel about my 15 year old wearing them. Mine likes a one piece. For now.
Why do people keep mentioning Love Island though? Whenever I've watched it there's been a mix of lovely bikinis and costumes! I've not seen one of them with a micro bikini on, though I don't watch it all of the time.

Edited to add, I recommend New Looks teen range for swimwear. It's lovely quality and trendy. Someone recommended it to me and I've bought my dd's from there since.