Been told my child is very weird and childish

[Gee54]

I don’t know where to go from here. I got told by a mum in my daughters class that people say she’s very silly and weird. My daughter is 10 years old. How can I fix this? Where to start from? She’s the eldest of 3 kids. I don’t want this to continue into secondary school. Not first time I’ve realised this but hearing someone else say it has upset me. I e spoken to her school and her lovely teacher but they all say it’s slightly immaturity but as a summer born (August birthday) it has been seen in others too. School don’t think it’s anything to worry about and the SEN lead observed her a few months back and said she’s fine and doesn’t think it’s anything ND related. It’s just hearing the mum say this today has upset me.

The thing us, she may mask the vast majority of the time - and the SENCo’s experience of autism may be limited to a few courses. I would not regard this as definitive.

@S1lverCandle yes it suggests to me some children with intolerant parents are hearing them gossip about kids in their class and getting carried away with it. Everyone pile on the kid that says poop. Does that sound reasonable to you as an adult?

I’m not sure why you’re focusing on whether there is something wrong with your child and not on why this rude cow thought she could say something like that to you? It sounds like there’s nothing wrong with your child, and everything wrong with this other parent!

It suggests to me that her behaviour is not nearly as normal as you insist.

I am really surprised at how many people think there's nothing wrong with this. As if everyone should just think the child is special and charming – for talking about poo to kids who clearly think it's weird. The poor child is at risk of losing friends and being ostracised. These things matter, more than being 'special and unique'.

No. This shouldn't be indulged. Or worse, praised. Quirky is fine, but this sort of behaviour is actually a little intrusive, not to mention rude. There seems to be this idea that everyone should just 'be themselves', with the assumption that the whole world will happily go along with it and there won't be any consequences.

The jump to autism isn't helpful either. Maybe she's just unskilled at social situations and has learned that this behaviour gets attention.

Things you CAN do, if you would like to support your child in making different sorts of decisions when communication with peers.

Research / read-up on social skills strategies.

You can get a book with scripts / photos that give examples of situations, then it’s a roll play with practice saying more appropriate things.
You can also roll play these with Lego people, soft toys. You two can have a laugh but also it’s learning.
when person says “I like poop” the other is sad walks off — what are they thinking???
Instead,
instead say “I’m looking forward to PE today, do you like netball?” … maybe we can be in same team?
“have you neen to the new shop/park/seen Inside Out 2? … I really liked X’s blue hair

Provide DD with practice and better sentences. Give her options. No harm in learning art of small talk / making connections.

I agree. I think it was extremely cruel for that mother to say that to you (that 'mother :-)). I'd have been hurt had it been about my child. There are some unpleasant, insensitive people around for sure.

My child was considered 'eccentric' until puberty hit, then he became a 'bloke', laid back and monosyllabic, suddenly started having loads of friends.

Please don't worry. The teachers have tried to reassure you and we will do the same.

In a year or two your daughter will be quite different, trust me.

Should have told her it was weird and childish to tell you that, what adult repeats unkind comments about a child to their mother of all people!

I think this pre-teen stage particularly with girls is a strange one. They are trying to be grown up and mature but are still quite childish. Maybe it’s a confidence thing that she thinks if she makes people laugh it will break the ice?

@yully what are you on about - praising

Agree. I'd look further into SEN and work through some social stories with her. While of course we shouldn't be telling our kids to mindlessly conform, they do need to observe socially appropriate behaviour or they're in for a hard time. Could it be a confidence issue? So she lacks confidence or doesn't feel she fits in so says silly things for effect?

I wouldn’t just go by the SEN lead’s observations.

I think it’s horrible for people to have made the comments that they have. But if your DD is ND then she will have a lifetime of being misunderstood by other horrible people. I think in your shoes I might look into getting a formal medical diagnosis. If it turns out to be just late maturing, so much the better. But if she is ND you’ll have the support she needs to help her deal with what can be a very challenging world.

So he only had friends when he stopped the weird behaviour. Haven't you put two and two together?!

@Gee54 Don't worry these kids are not the ones your DC needs as friends

I agree with @yully.

We’re not talking a unique, be yourself, girl. We’re talking about something rather inappropriate and peculiar.

When she gets to secondary school, she’ll be isolated for it.

All children in school know to change their behaviour when someone is in class watching them, so I’m not surprised the senco hasn’t picked up on her behaviour. However, I’d also go with her having ASD.

She will grow out of it. Me and brother, as kidd, used to have competitions to see who could say Bum, willy or pooh the most times. In public. My mum used to go crazy. Safe to say we haven't done it since we were about 10

10yo/yr 5 has been a strange year for my DD, she's May born so one of the younger in the year but not the youngest. There are some big differences in maturity across the class.

Some of the girls are fully into their Tween/Teen stage with skin care routines, acrylic nails, make up, boy band posters. Some of the girls are still very much into stuffed toys, dolls, poo jokes and unicorn/dinosaur T-shirts.

Neither is wrong, or needs any additional help they're just at different stages of development.

Yes, there is clearly a balance between being "special and unique" and finding common ground with peers that allows you to hold your own in social situations.

Other mums a cow. She literally a kid, people want kids to grow up so quickly these days I was still playing with bratz and Barbie's when I was like 11/12. Kids were weird back when I was young. Me and my friend in like year 8 made ourselves "look" like Hannah Montana and lily and called on our boy mate and asked if he wanted to be our Oliver. And he did 🤣

10 is so young, what is it she's doing that's so immature? My son is 9 and can be so immature, very silly aswell but I don't expect he will be 45 robotting into the office

Aren't parents supposed to teach tolerance and understanding to their DC. I suppose if they never got that lesson themselves...

My 9 and a half year old is a bit immature for his age, if that makes sense, in terms of his language and it has been suggested by the school that he has a language delay disorder and he has been referred to a speech and language therapist. Still waiting for the appointment so I am not sure how it goes. I do notice he can irritate jis friends a little. Then his friends can also amble irritating to him.

She might just have a really daft sense of humour. I know loads of kids that were at least this "weird"* and at the most they just turned out a bit nerdy? I'd honestly not think anything of it - maybe just try and get her into some better surreal comedy? Does she like whoopee cushions, Beano type stuff?

*in quotes because it's not actually weird

She will likely grow out of it. Those talking about secondary school are scare mongering. But because she is one of the younger ones, helping her improve her social skills will help her.

I'd agree with looking for a SaLT (Speech and Language Therapy) assessment. This sounds like something that needs a social communication assessment. I'd also bear in mind that often SendCo's don't have the training/resources to pick up on children who show less 'obvious' or 'typical' neurodiverse behaviours and often exploring a diagnosis, particularly in girls, is missed because of this.

They're just not though, are they? Because once you get past a certain age being silly and weird is just grating.

whether she is ND or not, she needs to be helped to learn what appropriate social behaviour is.

Yes kids with ASD often struggle with knowing this but so do some NT children and the ways to help are the same. Read social stories about 2 way conversations and who to share silly thoughts with.

ATM it doesn’t sound like the way people react to her worries her (only you) so try and worry less what people think and help her to get better at conversation before secondary. ❤️